there are no ‘ifs’ in God’s kingdom,

His timing is perfect.

His will is our hiding place…..

Corrie Tenboom

So do I believe this or not? Is He in charge or not? Does He direct my paths or not? Those are huge questions and it is good to return to them again and again as life appears to throw more ‘stuff’ at me. And again and again I will say – His timing is perfect and His choices for my life are the best whatever I seem to think in the moment. I trust that He is in charge.

Yesterday I had my first antibiotics and then 20 minutes later threw them back up – a great start! I then had to wait until the next dose was due, take my anti-sickness tablets first and then take the antibiotics. This worked thankfully otherwise I think I would be heading for the hospital today. Unfortunately I have to take the tablets 4 times a day an hour before food. Ho Hum! I think I will need to set an alarm on my phone to remind me. I am really hoping that the anti sickness tablets work well as I don’t want to be feeling sick for 2 weeks.

Today – all being well, shopping this morning, school nativity this afternoon and Housegroup meal this evening. All lovely things to do, perhaps made a bit more tricky whilst feeling sick!

So lymphodema clinic this morning. Went through my history and I answered lots of questions. The physio then examined my arm and said that she thought I had cellulitis along with the lymphodema, This is an infection in the soft tissues and can quickly lead to a whole body infection. She told me to go straight to the GP and get high dose antibiotics. She also said that there is not very much they will be able to do for the lymphodema because of my fistula but she will contact the renal team and see what they can do to help. She is also ordering me a special soft bandage to wear. I went to see the GP and phoned the kidney care nurses to check what drugs I can take because of the renal implications. Nothing is ever simple. So I now have high dose antibiotics for 2 weeks. If it doesn't start working within 48 hours I have to go back and I may need to go into hospital for IV antibiotics. Ho Hum!!!! The antibiotics have side effects - of course - and so I will be taking other tablets to counteract the side effects. mmmmmm working hard to look for joy in this day! Thankful for my warm blanket and my lovely husband, for twinkly lights and my Christmas tree.

I am off to the lymphodema clinic this morning. I hope they are ready for me! I am not sure what they will be able to suggest - if anything but we shall see. Most treatments would affect my fistula and therefore not possible. But at least they should be able to advise me about whether I should be sitting with it in the air etc..... I am also off to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping. Nearly there I hope. Last night I started the cards - they take a long time as I can't write for very long before my fingers get sore. But at least I have started!

Monday morning! I am feeling a bit all over the place today. I have so many bits everywhere and I don't know which to start/finish first. I need a plan! Or maybe I need an organiser! I am sure I will get through everything its just that it is a bit chaotic. I am loving all the sparkly lights and my beautiful Christmas tree. I have made my first mince pies with special mincemeat with less of the fruits I can't have. I made them very little as well so that hopefully they are not so bad for me!!!!

Chloe has her statistics exam today and then apart from meetings with her professor she is finished. She is staying in Southampton this week to go to Christmas meals and reviews. She will then be home at the weekend. I am looking forward to having her home and doing making.

Busy day today. Cooking and cleaning this morning and then service at church this afternoon. A Time to Remember. It is so good to stop and think for a while of those who have died both recently and in the past. Christmas can be so busy it is good to have a time to be quiet within the business. Again a reminder that it could have been my family there remembering - I am so thankful it is not.

I am looking forward to the week ahead which includes the nativity at school, house-group meal and hospital appointment for my arm.

Very tired again today - seems I can manage one busy day followed by one very not busy day! Ho hum! I shouldn't be so impatient at least I can now manage one busy day. Recovery is SO slow! I forget so quickly how poorly I have been and how amazing it is that I can do anything. This time last year I could manage one thing in a day and that one thing was usually tiny. The rest of the day was spent recovering. Yesterday I managed tidying, shopping, cooking, baking, flower arranging and making a wreath, bible study, washing, hoovering...... quite a normal day for most people but amazing for me. Today I have done - well nothing! Maybe I should share it out a bit!

In bible study yesterday it was good to be reminded that we worship an amazing God who does amazing things, and that prayer changes things. I, of all people, should never forget that. We can't understand his plans but he knows what he is doing. He sees the big picture - whilst we see only a glimpse here and now.

Well I had better be off and do something with my day. There are boxes everywhere - ho hum!

Wow! last nights concert at Ben's school was AMAZING. The boys are SO talented and we were treated to a wonderful array of different music. 4 of Ben's music group sang barbershop and it was brilliant. They were funny and beautifully in tune throughout. I was a proud Mummy. Ben's friend conducted the concert band as they played the music from Pirates of the Caribbean - it was fantastic we felt very proud of him too. It was great to see boys loving music.

Yesterday we put up our Christmas tree. I know its very early but I love Christmas and twinkly lights. I had a few tears as I opened the bag of decorations as when I put them away last year I did wonder if I would be opening them this year or whether my family would be opening the bag without me. (or not opening them as Chloe said because they wouldn't want Christmas) We had a chat about the importance of carrying on after someone has gone to honour their memory even though it is hard. We stopped to think about all those we know this year who are facing Christmas without someone they love, especially those known to us whose loved ones have died very recently. I am so thankful to be here and to be recovering - slowly.

Chloe came home yesterday afternoon to come to Ben's concert. It is lovely to have her home and she is using the front room as her revision base again - more exams on Monday.

Today - tidying after the mess I made getting Christmas out of the loft. A bit of cooking - I have found renal friendly cake recipes. And ladies who lunch and bible study. A lovely day!