Seen Consultant - last chemo tomorrow. Yippee!

He is concerned about the side effects and that my blood is taking much longer to recover - a sign that my body is saying enough. And so he siad enough.

I am so relieved - just the next few weeks to get through.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Here it is decision day. I so hope that today we decide that tomorrow will be my last chemo day. I have had enough! I am exhausted from a year of treatment and I want my life back even with its new normal. I want to be a mummy again and look after my house, cook our meals and tidy. I am not asking for much! I don't want my thoughts to keep turning to illness and death - ENOUGH. I think I have been quite patient but now...............

Sorry that was a bit of a moan. I am weary of this journey. I will let you know later the outcome.

Today I am going to look for shoes for the wedding. Hopefully I will find a perfect pair.

Already Monday - wow the weekend went quickly. I am feeling very split about my meeting with the oncologist tomorrow. I really want to stop chemo and for Wednesday to be my last one but I know that he may say 3 more and I will have to do it even though I feel like my body can't take any more. I don't ever want to regret not doing what i am told to do. Ho Hum!

Today we are having a birthday lunch for Chloe(her birthday is in 2 weeks but she will be away camping with Ed that weekend). My girlie is 22 - how did that happen? She is working hard revising for her exams in July and working on her last surgical placement ( breast and vascular surgery)

Yesterday Paul and I visited a garden centre and bought a swing seat which will hopefully arrive in a couple of weeks. We also bought some of the plants we saw at Chelsea including a lovely rose called rambling rector. Our garden is looking very good due to Paul's hard work and watering. He is a star.

Tomorrow I may not blog as I am going early to the shops to look for shoes for the wedding before dialysis.

Feeling quite yuck this morning. Been sick - maybe a warning that I have been trying to do too much. I am exhausted so a quiet day today I think.

Dialysis was ok yesterday - i dropped my BP but managed to get my head down quick enough to control it and I didn't bleed- yippee! The needling is going very well and hardly hurt at all which is wonderful. I had a visit from a former patient who had a transplant 3 weeks ago. It was lovely seeing him look so well. His new kidney was given by an altruistic donor ( a person unknown to the patient) and it is doing very well. What an amazing gift. He is a young chap so it is wonderful to see his life so changed. He is planning holidays!

Its lovely having Chloe home - she is off to Brighton to try on her bridesmaid dress today. Josh is having his stag weekend - hope he is still in 1 piece by Monday. He has great things planned with friends from Wokingham and Brighton.

Thank you for the comments about my blog yesterday - I did have such a lovely day on Wednesday - a forever day as we call them. A day that will stay in my memories for ever.

Yesterday was busy and filled with lovely people. Coffee with a friend to start the day followed by ladies who lunch and bible study. Chloe arrived home in the middle of bible study which was lovely. It is great to have her for a long weekend even if she is having to study hard. Eleanore also arrived for the weekend so Ben is very happy - lots of singing!

Today - dialysis yuck! After a difficult session like Thursday I find it even more difficult to go the next time. But hey ho I am sure it will be fine. Please keep praying for Tuesdays meeting with the oncologist when he will decide on the number more chemos I have. I would so like it to be one more.

On Thursday it was a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year it has been! I couldn't have forseen what this year would bring. Obviously I wouldn't have chosen this journey but I am a different person because of it. My life is completely different because of it. I am so thankful for all of you who have walked with me, many of you holding my hands through the hardest parts. It has been a long journey and it doesn't end here but I am grateful for your company.

I am so sorry my blogging has been hopeless first it was because it was blocking me and then I was feeling rubbish. Let me tell you about Wednesday. (I apologise to anyone not interested in gardens this will be a long post and you have my permission to skip it!!!!!!)

It started early - we managed to get the 7.30 train up to London. I was so delighted to see the sunshine as soon as we woke. We had decided to go to Vauxhall to get a taxi, as it was the nearest station. If ever you need a taxi in London Vauxhall is not the place! Eventually Paul managed to flag one down.

We arrived at Chelsea and collected the wheel chair (such a good idea to hire one) and began our day. We had decided to head to the show gardens first and aimed for the ones furthest away. Although there were plenty of people around it was easy to get around and we could see the gardens with no difficulty. The first 3 we saw were the B and Q garden with an amazing 9-foot tower filled with herbs and fruit and vegetables. It also had a see through table with fish swimming in it. Not sure any of that would work in our garden. Then to the Irish Sky garden - oh wow! A bright fuscha pink pod which is lifted into the sky and filled with beautiful plants spilling out. It is stunning. Unfortunately in my wheel chair I was unable to see much of the garden at all. Apparently there are nearly 30 pools of water but I could only see 2. I imagine it looks fantastic especially from the air. It is designed by Diarmuid Gavin and he achieved his first gold medal with this garden. It was stunning but very unrealistic for normal gardening. I am so glad we saw this at the beginning as it became very busy later. The last of the show gardens we then saw was the ‘ Making memories with a green poem’. It was so different from the other 2 – so peaceful and full of beautiful flowers and trickling water. The designer ( Ishihara Kazuyuki) was in the garden walking around wearing a shirt which perfectly blended with his garden. It felt possible to take ideas from this garden and translate it to ours.

We then moved onto the Pavilion – a huge structure which fills the centre of the plot. I had no idea how enormous it was. We visited it 3 times and still didn’t manage to cover it all. Each stand was full of amazing flowers and plants beautifully arranged to show them at their best. We struggled to know where to begin. The colours were wonderful. The designers and their staff were so helpful – passionate about whatever plants they grew. It was great to chat to them and we came away with a mass of new ideas and a huge list of plants we would love to try and in our garden. I especially loved the aliums – purple balls of loveliness. We probably covered about a ¼ of the space in our first visit.

Lunch was had in a lovely picnic area with a bandstand where there was a brass band playing a whole variety of different pieces of music.

We moved onto the other show gardens – there were 17 in total. It had become much busier by then. People were very kind and moved out of our way so that I could see. We did however spend much of the day with our hands out to try and prevent people from ending up in my lap! Lots of people walked backwards from the gardens with out looking and tripped over the chair. Each show garden was amazing – full to the brim of plants and trees all displayed amongst amazing structures. I couldn’t say which one I loved the best. I loved the Monaco garden where you felt like you could dive into the swimming pool and then lie on the beautiful loungers in the sunshine. The lavender roof caught Paul’s eye as our shed is missing a roof at the moment.

The best in show garden – the Daily Telegraph garden was stunning with its pillars and beautiful planting. The designer (Cleve West) was in the garden showing some friends around. The British Heart Foundation was startling with its bright red structures surrounded by green planting. And I loved the seaside garden designed for Cancer Research (my cousins husband helped build this garden and the B&Q garden).

We then visited the Urban gardens – small spaces with ideas that could be used in normal gardens. Here we met the TV cameras( and the accompanying crowds) filming Alan Titmarsh. All day we came across areas taped off with camera crews filming presenters or plants. I loved the garden designed to celebrate 650 years of magistracy and the Chilstone garden with its beautiful planting against turquoise carpeting.

Another visit to the pavilion where we met a lovely florist who told us all about the most amazing display of flowers weaved into branches of an old tree. He was a sweety and also told me that ‘I looked very sexy with no hair’ ! The display for ‘The Young Florist of the Year’ was fantastic – jackets using flowers. Wow!

By this time we were flowered out! We went and found a lovely spot in the sunshine to drink Pimms and recover. The weather made such a difference to the day as we were in sunshine for the whole day but it wasn’t too hot.

The Artisan gardens were next – beautiful little gardens tucked away at the far end of the show. I loved these – maybe because they felt the most like real gardens. The planting was stunning. I loved each one of them. The designers were all with their gardens and we chatted with most of them. Jihae Hwang the designer of the best in show artisan garden chatted with us and gave me ‘ a very special plant all the way from Korea’ – a type of Korean dandelion which she asked me to take special care of. Her garden includes a Korean toilet! The Literary garden was beautiful with poetry included on many of the structures in the garden.

Another visit to the Pavilion to try and cover those areas we hadn’t seen before – more floristry and the amazing Waitrose display which included flowers and fruit and vegetables in swathes of colour.

By this time we were exhausted and needed food. The seafood restaurant was perfect at the end of a very busy and packed day. The staff were attentive and the food was yummy.

We ended our visit with the stand selling metal creatures for the garden and we bought my lovely duck – named Chelsea Duck. A fitting memento of a truly amazing day.

Our journey home was uneventful and straightforward and we arrived home exhausted but very happy to watch the coverage on the BBC.

My apologies that this has been so long and probably has a mass of spelling and grammar mistakes but hopefully gives you a flavour of Chelsea. I would encourage everyone to go – it is amazing!

Sorry everyone we have had lots of trouble with the blog. I had a wonderful day yesterday. I will write about it tomorrow. I had a yucky time in dialysis today - dropped my blood pressure and was sick and then bled for 2 1/2 hours. Feeling quite battered now.