Just enough light for the step I’m on – I need to listen to those words and not try to step onto the next step too soon! This week I have continued to learn what it is like to live beyond treatment. I am still anxious about the bone scan - concerned it might show up something and my life will change again. It would be wonderful if it is clear and I can get on with this new life. please pray for Monday 12.00 that they are able to get a needle in and the dye in and that it is clear.

I have missed blogging – I miss sharing my thoughts in writing. Working through the issues with you all. I continue to work at the issues of suffering and why God chooses to allow those he loves to suffer. I am learning so much and have realised that our lives are about so much more than we think they are day by day. It is so easy to get lost in apathy – just dealing with the trivialities of the day ahead. We don’t see the big picture and we don’t see eternity. I think that is why sometimes God allows us to glimpse the big picture and to see how tiny our daily struggles are. If only we could live each day with the big picture in view – how different our attitudes would be, how different our conversations, our relationships.

I have enjoyed my week – being busy.

Sunday – I drove to church on my own (Paul was in London) lunch with my Ben boys outside in the sunshine

Monday – tidying, visiting the library and Holme Grange

Tuesday – Dialysis

Wednesday – Lovely trip to M&S, spending my voucher

Thursday – dialysis with Kitty, meal cooked by me with Matt, Joy, Kitty, Talia, Chloe, Ben, Paul and me. We lost Papageno after the meal and then spent almost an hour trying to find him in the dark – don’t want to do that again.

Friday - tidying of Ben's room ( a big task) cooking for Ed and Chloe and watching Harry Potter ready to see next one on Sunday.

The week ahead is busy with nice things, BBQ, Harry Potter, bone scan (not so nice), dialysis (also not so nice) meal out with Chloe and Ed and then my girlie goes to Uganda next Saturday. I expect that there will be a lot of packing and unpacking! I am looking forward to the sunshine. It is a shame that I can't usually see the outside from dialysis - I will imagine that I am gazing at fields, rivers, lakes and mountains all glistening from the sun.

Today Mark is coming with me to dialysis. i am looking forward to catching up with his news and the girls news.

I hope you all have wonderful weeks planned - I know lots of you are going on holiday this week or returning from holiday. Do share your holidays with me - I love to hear and see photos of them. I can at least live a little through your eyes.

So I have started my new life. It seems strange to be doing it without you. Thank you for all your messages and emails etc... telling me that you are missing me. I really appreciate that you have been making this journey with me.

This week has included very normal things - ironing, tidying, washing ( I have nearly found the bottom of Chloe's washing), cooking, shopping, hoovering. All in little doses but at least i am doing them.

I have also been out to coffee and to the end of term BBQ which was really lovely. I can't tell you how much I miss you all. Thank you very much for the token for M&S - how well you know me. Another chance to shop!

I have had some broken nights this week - feeling anxious about the bone scan and really praying that it will be OK. I so want some time to be well. I am reading a book about sin and how anxiety, worry and frustrations are all sins as they all show we aren't trusting God. It is hard when you have had bad things happen to trust that no more will come your way or if they do that they are part of God's plan for your life. I continue to work on these things - maybe it is my lifes work!!!!!

In dialysis this week I have managed both needles and I am learning how to attach myself and programme the machine. It is good to be in control but to have the nurses there for back up.

My boy is back from his honeymoon and learning about married life. They both sound very happy. I am really looking forward to going to see them in a few weeks.

This week holds church, shopping, renal consultants visit, more tidying, washing, and of course dialysis. I am also hoping to pop into the holiday club our church is running for about 250 children. I feel sad not to be part of it. Although I have lent our lego etc... do you think that counts? I am so glad that the weather has cheered up for it.

I hope you all have great plans for your week. See you next Saturday.

Had to wait for an hour and half to see consultant, not sure what had happened but as ever i felt like I was his only patient. He examined me and said everything looks fine. We then had quite a discussion about whether I should have another attempt at a bone scan and decided that it would be a good idea - with the understanding that there is a good chance it may come back abnormal due to my joint problems which will then need an MRI scan to follow up. I am also going to have a bone density scan and a mammogram. So that's August taken care of as I spend the next few weeks at hospital appointments! I will then see him again in 3 months with a phone call to let me know about the test results.

So that's it - me done!

Thank you to all of you for travelling this journey with me. I will try and post on Saturdays certainly for the short term as it would be hard to have no contact!

I can’t quite believe this is it. My last day of daily posting. It will be strange not to be posting every day and to know that you all know what I am getting up to. Thank you so much for sticking with me through thick and thin. I am so grateful for all your thoughts, prayers, cards, flowers, cakes, messages, meals, presents, visits ,lifts, emails etc….. You have all helped make a very difficult year so much easier. I will miss your presence in my life. But this is my step into the future and into a more normal life. I intend to continue to blog on a Saturday for now – just to keep in touch! Over 28,000 times people have logged into my site to see how I am – that is truly amazing that people are interested in my little life. I hope that I have encouraged you to see that illness doesn’t have to mean disaster and that you can find joy in each day. That maybe in dark days you too can reach out for a hand to hold and find that He is faithful.

I began with this passage

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40

It has been the passage I have clung to and at times I have soared and had strength even when I have thought strength wasn’t possible. I still have moments of fear and sadness that this has happened to me but I do trust that it is part of a bigger plan that one day I will understand. Please know that my testimony is that our Father God is with us in the darkest of days. He holds our hands and his promises are true. He will never leave us

I am so glad we don’t know our futures – how scary that would be. I am learning to be content with this day and all it holds. To find joy and laughter with my friends and family and to be thankful for all things.

I wouldn’t have chosen this journey but I am so grateful for all I have learnt along the way. I don’t know where this journey leads but I trust that all things are in the hands of the Father who loves us.

There is so much I wished I had said and I wish I could let each of you know how valuable your support has been. It feels a bit scary to be walking without you each day holding my hands.

I will post again this evening to let you know how my 6-week check (at 7 weeks) goes and then that will be that. I am praying that there are no hidden secrets to be told.

Yesterday was magical. Everything went very well. We had a lovely lunch in a pub near to Tate Britain. The watercolour exhibition was interesting with some wonderful paintings and some - mmm rubbish ones! A walk around the south bank and its food festival was great. Some tasting and some buying. Then the Railway Children which was really wonderful. i encourage everyone who loves the story to go. We had wonderful seats which felt like we were part of the story. As predicted I cried when Bobby says - 'My daddy, my daddy'. Such a poignant moment.

Today - physio and lunch with a friend. Also sleeping, to catch up after the weekend!

I have just read back to a year ago and am amazed at all I have been through to reach this point. It has been a tough year but here we are about to have my 6 weeks check. I am grateful to God that he has carried me through these trials and that I am now out the other side beginning to see what my life will look like. It is very different to my previous life and I feel like a different person. Dialysis unfortunately shapes my life and takes up huge chunks of my days. I am slowly learning patience but it is slow! I am trying to make the most of my non- dialysis days and have nice things to do at dialysis.

Today we are off to London - lunch, Tate Britain and The Railway Children. Just a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been even able to contemplate one of those things. I am so glad to have more energy.

My appointment is on Tuesday after dialysis - please pray that all is well. I am anticipating that I will be started on a new drug which I will then take for 5 years. It will come with new side effects to get used to - ho hum!

A week ago we were just finishing breakfast and looking for safety pins and plasters - all essential at weddings! I will know in future! So glad this was not the weather we had woken to.

Yesterday was lovely -I so love non-dialysis days. My evening was very quiet though with everyone leaving me for more exciting pursuits. Paul enjoyed his first prom - number 2 today. I have managed to find a lift - thank you C.

Today - dialysis, maybe I will manage my needles first time again.

I have been thinking a lot about holidays as I have been listening to people chatting about theirs. It is hard to think we won't be going for the second year. Hopefully next year we will be able to go. We are trying to organise nice things to do for Sunday and Mondays which is the closest I get to a holiday!

Tomorrow Chloe and I are going to see The Railway Children at Waterloo and also hoping to go to Tate Britain to see the Watercolour exhibition. On Monday I am having lunch with a friend.