Middle of the night ramblings

So here I am again - middle of the night coming to terms with the new adventure. Yesterday we learned that I probably have liver secondaries as well as bone secondaries. My mind has been whirling as I try to take in this new piece of news. Thankfully God in his grace is here with me - reaching into those fearful places in the darkness and holding my hand - oh so tightly. It doesn't feel quite real that this is happening. But here we are. Wonderfully, I am surrounded by staff who care and are trying to make this easier for me. Who support and provide for me, nothing is too much trouble always speaking with kind words and ready smiles.

We don't yet have a plan but it is being formulated and will probably include chemo now. We are discussing having a line put in as my veins are useless and including all the changes we were going to make to tackle the bone secondaries. As ever the tricky part of the plan is to protect my kidneys. I am trying to be peaceful as they make the plans, taking each step as it comes. It is good to be in hospital as they can do all their planning with me here. I also have space to work through my thinking in the quietness of my lovely room.

I am loving having my family around me - listening to them laughing last night as Paul sat looking like a little gnome in my jama top, Ed 'borrowing' the comfy chair from the nurses station to sit on, and Josh and Debs listening to me telling Josh's birth story! Visits from friends, bringing their lives into my room helps and all your hundreds of texts and emails and messages. Thank you! I feel like I am held up by a cloud of loveliness! But most of all I am held by the creator who has numbered my days since before I was born - each one written in his book, planned perfectly for me and for you. Together we are on this journey and I am grateful for each and everyone of you. I will let you know the plan as soon as we know - in the meantime know that I am ok - don't worry about words - I know there are no words to be said and that is ok. I am held.