This is my new look - grey!!

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We didn't manage church - I couldn't get organised in time. But we did manage Wisley which was really lovely. We had lunch in their lovely restaurant - very yummy food. Then went to see the butterflies in the glasshouse. They were spectacular, huge butterflies in the most beau

tiful colours. I was event

ually allowed to use my wheel chair which took some discussion but I was pleased we did as we had to wait for ages in a long queue. We then had a lovely wander around and saw the first snowdrops appearing out of the hard earth and met the Wisley cat Sammy who lives in one of the glasshouses. Again the reminder of spring everywhere with the bulbs poking their tiny heads out of the soil and buds appearing on bare branches. It was a beautiful day with the sunshine colouring the landscape, although quite chilly.

Today brings coffee at school and radiotherapy all being well.

Yesterdays meeting with the consultant was interesting. She is so lovely. My treatment is going well and they are pleased with the blood results after dialysis. This means the dialysis is clearing my body well. It also means that I still don't have to alter my diet too much which is good. I can't imagine life with no chocolate or tomatoes. We also discussed home haemodialysis. This would mean being able to have dialysis at home. They are starting a new project in May and are looking for suitable people. She felt that I would be a very suitable candidate. With home dialysis you can have it more often for shorter times and fit the times into your life to suit you. It would involve having a room which could be used especially for that. So we shall see if it is possible. It would make life so much easier.

Today we are off to church at Bearwood and then a day at Wisley seeing butterflies and snow drops. I am looking forward to it - although not looking forward to the cold.

This week -

Monday - radiotherapy and coffee at school

Tuesday - dialysis and school options evening with Ben

Wednesday - radiotherapy

Thursday - physio and dialysis

Friday radiotherapy, ladies who lunch, bible study and Chloe home

Saturday - dialysis with Chloe

Sunday - sleep!!!

and at sometime next week trying to reuse my fistula. We are going to use only one needle at a time to establish it.

Hope you all have lovely Sundays.

Yesterday went well. Radiotherapy very quick (although still difficulty positioning me) back for lunch before the girlies arrived and then good bible study with lots of things to think about. Miss Marple with Paul in the evening. All good.

Today - dialysis on my own and a visit from consultant. How good it would be if she said that I was doing so well I could have dialysis in 2 hours instead of 4. Well you can always dream! Chloe visited the dialysis unit in Portsmouth yesterday. Their hope is to get as many patients as possible on home haemodialysis. Interesting!

I am longing for summer when all my cancer treatment will be finished apart from the tamoxifen which I will take for 5 years. Then I will just have dialysis to deal with. And hopefully sunshine to enjoy.

Tomorrow we are hoping to go to the joint church service at Bearwood and then onto Wisley to see the butterflies and snowdrops, wrapped up warm!

Glad its Friday and I can see the sun. Radiotherapy with F , ladies who lunch and bible study today all being well.

Yesterday was fine. Dialysis went quickly with Kit - catching up and playing new game.

My arm is now multi coloured but not too sore thankfully.

I am in need of a lift to radiotherapy next Friday morning if any one is free. We would need to leave here at 11.00 and would be back any time between 12.30 and 2! Depending on how quick they are.

Thank you.

Thankfully my arm seems to be ok despite the adventures of Tuesday. I have some bruising but not much and it isn't too sore at all. I am glad however that they won't use it again for a bit. I need to gear myself up for that!

I am feeling very tired now - combination of daily hospital visits and side effects of the radiotherapy. Thankfully I don't have to do anything except concentrate on getting through this bit. Paul is amazing and continues to hold the household together although I am sure he wishes that I could do more he never moans. I dream of spending days cleaning - who would have thought I would miss it so much.

Today dialysis with Kit. Maybe I will teach her the new game.

Yesterdays radiotherapy was a bit tricky as my arm was sore and they couldn't get me into the right position. They are discussing having to replan my treatment which I would much rather not have to do. Eventually they managed - hopefully it will be better on Friday. I didn't manage house-group last night - I was just too tired to think!

Anyone who is squeamish may want to look away now!!

So yesterday didn't go to plan. My nurse was there and it was all go for needling. I was ready for this new challenge. The plan was to get 2 needles into the vein which has been enlarged and use them for dialysis. At the end of dialysis you then put in little pegs to keep the holes open so that the same holes can be used each time. Simple! Well no. The needles went in well and dialysis started well. We all sighed a sigh of relief. 2 minutes later - nurse panicking as the second needle had dislodged and was bleeding into my arm. Needle removed and blood everywhere. Me in tears as I watched my precious haemoglobin dripping onto the pillow case. So we carried on using one needle and one line. All fine until the end of dialysis. The nurse removed the needle and a second nurse came to insert the peg. Unfortunately the first nurse had told me to stop pressing on the wound too early and I had bleed into the tissues from the second needle. This resulted in a huge swelling in my arm. Ho hum! So now I can't use this arm for dialysis for at least a week - probably 2 weeks. Not the plan! I am now waiting for the bruises to appear. However I was very thankful to have my friend D for company and we chatted away the time. At least my lines are working well and there is no urgency to be using the fistula.

Today radiotherapy - I am half way through. Picc line flushed and house-group here tonight.

tf98frg (This is Papageno helping with the typing)

Chloe's flights are booked to Uganda - she is very excited. We have 'children who travel' this year. I am looking forward to seeing the world through their eyes.

Early start for physio this morning. She identified that I have something called cording from my arm down my side to my hip which is one of the reasons I have so much trouble moving my arm. She is working on stretching and pushing my shoulder joint to get more movement into it. I think it is going to be a long haul. I am thankful I can go to physio in the hospital just around the corner. It was lovely walking there this morning in beautiful sunshine.

Today dialysis with D and maybe needles - who knows!

I continue to be thankful about so many things. I am reading a book about thanks and how when we learn the discipline of thankfulness it changes us. When we get into the habit of looking for things to be thankful for our attitudes change. Try it yourself and see.

Monday here we are! Yesterday was a bit of a nothing day but at least it was restful and no hospital. Chloe cooked a lovely roast dinner.

Today brings radiotherapy and a friend for afternoon coffee/tea.

On a very go slow! Glad that I don't have to rush around today. Not that I can go very fast even when I do rush! It is good to have a day when I don't have to do anything hospitally ( a new word to fit my situation). Yesterday 's dialysis went quickly with Josh and Chloe. It was lovely to have them with me. We played our new game - Chloe delighted to beat both me and more importantly Josh who plays 'hard'. Then we had a picnic and played scrabble (which I won). Unfortunately the nurse wasn't there to 'needle' me. - ho hum!

This week dawns as busy as ever.

Monday - radiotherapy and coffee with a friend in the afternoon

Tuesday - physio and dialysis

Wednesday - radiotherapy

Thursday - dialysis

Friday radiotherapy, ladies who lunch and bible study

Saturday - dialysis

Sunday - sleep!!!

Thankfully Paul's back seems to be slowly improving and he has started driving again - hurrah! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

All my chicks are home in the nest! I love them all being here together - what a joy!

Yesterdays radiotherapy started well and then the computer controlling the machine broke. So I had to lay with my arms up waiting for them to mend it - I am paying for it this morning as my shoulders are very sore.

Today dialysis with Josh and Chloe and a new game and to hear all the news. Maybe needles who knows!

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” Victor Hugo

I found this quote and love the image of God being awake while we sleep, watching over us.

Yesterday was a hard day. I was supposed to start using needles for dialysis but I need the same nurse to do it for the first 6 times so that they make sure that they use the same holes. The nurse also needs to be experienced in button holing. This means that a nurse has to be asked to come in on their off duty days to button hole me. The nurse they have chosen to do this hasn't been asked yet and was off yesterday - ho hum!!!! Then they discovered that they had forgotten to do a blood test so the dialysis had to be stopped and then restarted. And lastly they decided that as my weight had increased a bit I must have more fluid so they took off more than usual despite me saying it is because I am eating better. So towards the end of dialysis my BP dropped and i felt very poorly and was very sick - very yucky. Luckily they then give you fluid back and you quickly feel better but it is very scary when it happens as you feel like you are disappearing.

It was good to go to coffee at school although lots of people were busy.

Today - radiotherapy and maybe bible study if I am not too late. And Chloe and Josh home this evening - yippee!

Early start as I have physio this morning. Then a visit to school all being well and then dialysis. They are hoping to use my fistula today which means they will put needles into my arm to take the blood and return it. I will be glad when that is done and it is working well. It is another change to dialysis and means I will only be able to use one arm during it. I am very glad I have my kindle.

Radiotherapy was fine yesterday - we had to wait for an hour to start- ho hum! However I had a lovely friend with me and the time passed quickly as we chatted. She also brought a lovely tea which we really appreciated.

Oh what a beautiful morning! The birds are awake and singing and all is right with the world.

I managed book club last night and had a lovely time. I felt like a little girl allowed out in the dark! It was great to meet up with the others and we had a really good chat about the book we had read. It was a book by Dr Helen Roseveare. We also watched a clip of her talking. I was very challenged by something she said about her suffering - that God had allowed her to go through it all because he could trust her with it. I am not comparing what happened to her to my journey but it did make me think that maybe God is saying that he has allowed me to go through this because he trusts me with it; to make the best out of what he has allowed to happen to me. That is a challenge to use this time for the best. To make each day count for God. I can easily loose sight of that and think that my days don't matter - that sitting here day after day is pointless. But if God has a different plan.........................

Today - radiotherapy and Pic line flushing.

Paul has hurt his back - ho hum. This means he can't drive. This is adding to our adventure! Thank you for the offers of help we may need to take you up on them.

Radiotherapy was much quicker yesterday - I was in almost as soon as I had got my kindle out and they used the correct headrest (after a little reminder from me) so set up was much quicker. My arms really hurt whilst I lay there hopefully the physio will help with that. I sang this time when they left the room - that improved things greatly. Not sure what they made of that! Then I had a lovely lunch with G. It was great to catch up on her news and hear about her Christmas. I love sharing peoples lives.

Today - dialysis, maybe with a scan of my arm to check where they will needle me. Will be glad when we have started that and it all goes well.

Tonight I am hoping to go to church book club. I shall try having a sleep when I come home from dialysis. We shall see how that goes.

Yesterday turned into a lovely day. We continued on our go slow but eventually got out at 12.00 and went to Saville gardens. We had a yummy lunch and then a walk ( well I was pushed) around the gardens. It was a wonderful reminder that although we may think that January is a dead month the plants don't think so. There were buds everywhere. Also the gardeners had left lots of the flower heads from the summer giving a wonderful feeling of shape and pattern. The bare branches of the shrubs mixed with the flower heads gave a wonderful feeling of a secret world. It was a joy to see and a reminder of how much I love life.

Today radiotherapy and lunch with a friend. Hoping that the radiotherapy is a bit quicker now that they have realised which headrest to use!

Quite a party at dialysis with my Aunt and Uncle and Joy. We tried to keep quiet so that we didn't get into trouble for having 3 people! (only supposed to have 2 and we got into trouble on Boxing Day) It was lovely catching up with all their news and hearing about my cousins and their lovely children. Home to a really lovely tea. A good day.

Today I am on a go slow. I am still in my jamas and in bed - maybe a good choice looking at the busy week ahead.

Monday - radiotherapy and lunch with a friend

Tuesday - dialysis

Wednesday - radiotherapy

Thursday - physio at 8.30 hoping to go into school for coffee and then dialysis

Friday radiotherapy, ladies who lunch and bible study (Josh and Chloe home for weekend)

Saturday - dialysis

Sunday - sleep!!!

I am sure it will pass quickly.

Saturday - looking forward to spending time with my Aunt and Uncle. Dialysis - ho hum!

Yesterday was busy. Radiotherapy was ok but long. They tried setting me up with the wrong headrest which meant none of the figures were right. Lots of wriggling later they realised! I had an unexpected reaction to the radiotherapy when the radiographers left the room I found the tears rolling down my face. It was such a reminder of what this journey is all about. I also was awash with reminders of my past life as a radiotherapy radiographer and I never expected to need treatment myself. I am sure I will be fine in the future but just occasionally it all feels too much. However I was aware of your prayers surrounding me and Jesus being with me in that room bearing my grief and tears.

I am now the proud owner of a new prosthesis. It is a bit weird to look at and touch but looks just right when I wear it. I am looking forward to it not slowly moving up and arriving around my ear as the last one did!

Good bible study with the girlies - lots of laughter - always a good medicine. I am privileged to be able to share my life with them.

I also had a lovely phone call with my Mum's cousin and her husband. We hadn't spoken for years and it was great to hear from them and catch up with all their news. Family is so important.

I hope your weekends are full of family and laughter.

I thought I would put down my times for radiotherapy here so all of you taking me will know.

17.1.11 - 11.30

19.1.11 - 11.10

21.1.11 - 11.30

24.1.11 - 11.30

26.1.11 - 11.10

28.1.11 - 11.30

31.1.11 - 11.30

2.2.11 - 11.30

4.2.11 - 11.30

7.2.11 - 11.30

9.2.11 - 11.30

It takes just under half an hour from here so we usually leave half an hour before we need to get there. Thank you so much for offering to take me we really appreciate it.

So today - radiotherapy, new prosthesis, ladies who lunch and bible study. A busy day! I am grateful for your prayers and good wishes.

Chloe has been accepted to do her elective in Uganda - she is so excited. This will mean a month in a hospital in Uganda in the summer. What an adventure!

Tomorrow my Aunt and Uncle are coming for the day. My Aunt is coming to dialysis with me. I am really looking forward to seeing them.

I have just been reading a blog which reflects my thoughts today. 'Be in the habit of looking for beauty'. There are many new habits I have developed over the last 6 months. Habits which have changed my life for the better. I look for joy in each day, I seek to see the best in a situation rather than moan, I treasure each new day grateful for the gift it is, I express my love for people freely and often knowing the importance of friendship, I hold my family tight to me, and I fail frequently in all areas. That is life and I am so grateful for it all - the good and the bad. A new habit of looking for beauty sounds like a good idea. Although I can't say I would have chosen this journey I am a different person because of it.

Today Kitty is coming to spend dialysis with me. Yippee! I haven't seen her since Christmas so plenty to catch up on. I should also be having my stitches out - not so yippee!

Yesterdays rehabilitation class was very useful and it was lovely to see some of the ladies I was in hospital with. It is good to share with people who are on a similar journey. We went over the exercises (I had to watch as I didn't want to open up my fistula wound) which was very helpful. I was frustrated that I don't have the range of movement that lots of the ladies now have but I suppose it is to be expected with a damaged shoulder from the rheumatoid arthritis, a fistula in my arm and a winged scapula. I now have an appointment to see the physio who specialises in oncology patients next week. I also have an appointment to have a new prosthesis fitted tomorrow after radiotherapy. It is all go!!!

Tomorrow I start radiotherapy.

Strange dreams last night which included painting Jonathon Ross's kitchen bright pink (paint chosen by Paul) ! Not sure what that was about!

Dialysis was fine yesterday - lovely spending time with D. They decided to leave my stitches until Thursday to make sure I didn't bleed again. It is feeling much better now and is buzzing very nicely. They will try using it next week. I have also managed to arrange physio for next week after a lot of hassle. This is to sort out my winging scapula!

I have a special thank you to 2 people who have cooked us meals this week. It has been wonderful!

Today the nurse is coming to flush my pick line and I am going to the breast clinic to discuss lymphoedema and exercises to reduce the risk (this is a swelling of the arm following mastectomy due to removal of the lymph glands) . Its all go at the moment!

I continue to feel that this blog is very self-indulgent when so many people have so much to deal with. I have heard today of a family, known to us, in Australia who are likely to loose all their possessions in the flooding. At least they are all safe. We are praying for them and especially for their children. However I do so value your thoughts and prayers on my journey so I will continue.

I am feeling a bit like I am trudging up a mountain very slowly. I can see the summit but the climb is long. I have been walking along a flat part recently and it is about to get steeper. I am grateful for all you fellow climbers who walk beside me helping the climb to be easier.

I am very glad that my fistulaplasty went well yesterday (see previous post) and although my arm is stiff it isn't painful. Sedation is interesting! I had thought I had been quite with it throughout the procedure but at the end they removed something which was stuck to my forehead - I have no idea what is was or how it got on my head!! As ever with me nothing is completely straightforward and the bleeding meant we had to stay an extra couple of hours in recovery. - ho hum. Today I am supposed to have the stitches out - I am hoping that is straightforward!

Dialysis today with D.

All done. Went well and the fistulaplasty appears to have been successful. We will know when they start to use it probably next week. It was straightforward with only a little pain but unfortunately I took ages to stop bleeding and I nearly had to have the stitch replaced.The consultant steri stripped it and padded it and hopefully it has stopped! I am very glad its done - box ticked!

Sunday again. Where did that week go? Yesterdays dialysis was Ok. Paul stayed for a while and then went home to be with Papageno and make tea returning later to play scrabble. I nearly beat him - 2 points in it. I have never beaten Paul at scrabble! Maybe dialysis helps my thought processes!

Today - church which I am looking forward to as I haven't been for ages.

I may not blog tomorrow morning as my fistulaplasty appointment is at 8.45 so an early start to get to the hospital for then. I will be glad when it is over. If you have a moment please pray that it is successful and not too painful.

I am gearing myself up for the week ahead.

Lovely to see the sun shining through the trees out of my bedroom window. Everything is lightly touched by the sun. How much better things feel in the sunshine!

Yesterdays bible study was great - lovely to catch up with the girlies. We discussed plans for the next term - I do so like plans!

Today brings dialysis with Paul. Maybe a spot of cooking first.

Well its Friday again - this week seems to have gone quickly. I had a lovely day yesterday - coffee with friends and then dialysis with R. It was good to catch up on her news and chat. She beat me (only just) at Chinese Chequers - one day I will win!

I have had a slow start to the day after a disturbed night - not sure why. We have bible study this afternoon - I am looking forward to seeing the girlies again.

I so appreciate your prayers - especially for the next few weeks. I am aware that almost daily hospital visits are going to take it out of me along with the tiredness that radiotherapy brings. However it will then be another box ticked with just the 4 sessions of chemo to go.

My hair is growing nicely - I look like I should be doing motivational talks in a long skirt and flowing shawls! However I do miss my red curls - ho hum! Maybe after it falls out next time it will grow back red!

A quiet weekend ahead in preparation for the week to come.

Outside of my window a bird is singing loudly - welcoming the day. I am looking forward to this new day. Coffee with a friend then dialysis with R. Also some reading of the book club book which I am enjoying. Reading is becoming a real pleasure again - at last.

Our kitten is very settled now and it is so lovely to be greeted with such delight in the mornings. He is beginning to explore more of the house now and continues to get into scrapes. We all love him greatly - he is a very spoilt kitten.

I managed to dismantle the tree yesterday - the lounge looks rather bare without it. I am hopeful that when we put it back up next year I will be so much better than now.

I am to have my fistulaplasty ( a balloon inserted into the fistula and blown up) on Monday morning. I am going to be sedated before hand as it can be very painful apparently. I will be glad when that is done and out of the way. Hopefully they will then be able to start using the fistula and I will be able to have the Tess line out.

Next week begins the daily hospital visits apart from Sundays.

Monday - Fistulaplasty

Tuesday - Dialysis

Wednesday - breast clinic

Thursday - dialysis

Friday - start radiotherapy

Saturday - dialysis

Sunday - sleep!!!!!!

I am so glad to have my kindle and lovely friends as I guess there will be plenty of waiting! I knew I needed to learn about patience - I guess God thought I needed a lot of practice!!!!!!

This is my 250 th blog - goodness what a lot of days! I woke feeling very cheerful this morning. A new day - a new page to write on. I am very grateful for new days.

Yesterdays slow cooker recipe was very yummy. I enjoyed making it and having it when I got back from dialysis.

Today holds tidying and some more cooking hopefully. I think it is time to take down the decorations. It is lovely to see the sunshine although Chloe informs me it was very cold on her walk to the hospital. I am looking forward to spring and glad that the days are getting longer again.

I managed to do the shopping in Waitrose yesterday - yippee! Who would have guessed how exciting it is to shop when you can't! I miss the normality of life so much.

My chicks flew the nest and even Ben left me yesterday so it was VERY quiet. Chloe will be back in 3 weeks which isn't too long. I am sure the time will fly by.

Today I am hoping to make a meal in the new slow cooker Josh and Debz bought us. It should then be ready when we come back from dialysis which I am spending with D. I am really looking forward to seeing her and catching up on all her family news from Christmas.

My eating continues to improve although I am not yet putting on any weight but at least I am not loosing it.

Last day of Christmas decorations as they will come down tomorrow. I have loved the twinkly lights and the candles etc.... Who knows what will be happening by this time next year.

At least there is a glimpse of sunshine through the bedroom window as I sit here and type. My head is still full of thoughts about the new year. I think I just need to get on with it and think less!!!

Dialysis was ok yesterday - I am so glad the anti-sickness tablets are working well - it makes such a difference not to be worrying about whether and when i am going to be sick. Chloe and I both had a good cry while watching Little Women. A good cry at a film always helps!

Today we have a packing day for Josh and Chloe whose things are spread around the house. It will look(and feel) very different when they are gone!

Today my last dialysis with Chloe before she returns to uni tomorrow. I will miss her. Josh is also returning tomorrow so we will have a quiet house. It has been so wonderful having them home.

Yesterday was a bit of a nothing day although i did manage to get a bit of tidying done although i can only manage a bit. We had a yummy roast dinner.

So we begin 2011. I am glad that the last year is over and we begin a new year full of hope. There is much to be thankful for and I choose to dwell on those things. Today I am going to start a list for 2011 - things to look forward to. As you can imagine the wedding is top of the list

• Josh and Debz wedding
• Chelsea Flower show
• Ending of treatment party
• meals out and enjoying food again
• my garden in flower
• visits to Wisley and Saville gardens
• a tidy house (mmm will that ever happen)
• returning to work

I am sure I will be able to add to my list.