Winter Blues

Another blue sky day - lovely. But I am struggling with tiredness and not being quite right. So blood tests today to see what is going on. It maybe that reducing my epo hasn't worked and my hb is low or it maybe something else or it maybe just winter tiredness. Is that a disease? If it isn't I declare it to be! Dark mornings, dark nights, cold, wet all leads to winter tiredness! 

Still plenty of joy to be found - 

• new friends at family history course
• new lives to imagine on family tree
• bible promises forever true
• warm blankets
• texts from friends
• holiday planning
• shoots appearing 
• snowdrops with their shy faces
• a bag of knitting wool waiting to be used 
• new fingerless gloves knitted by a friend 
• phone calls with new family members
• books to review and share 

So what are you thankful for today despite the winter blues?

Pink skies and busy weekends

From my window I can see a gently appearing pink sky. Maybe a bit more sun for today - hurrah. I can also hear a few birds quietly singing. I am very glad to see then end of the snow. I have started the day with Chloe bringing her cup of tea into bed with me and chatting - what a lovely way to start a day and a new week. She is now on her journey to Southampton to begin her week on AMU (acute medical unit) 

We have had a wonderful busy and packed weekend, lovely friends for the day, Josh for a short time, Chloe and Ed for most of the weekend, Les Mis and a box of tissues, nice meals. Perfect! 

This week brings - tutoring, family history course, meetings, flowers, bible study, The Hobbit, Book Club, garden planning, cooking, a happy week ahead. 

My family tree is coming on nicely - I have now gone back to my great great grandparents reliably(I think) on all 8 sides which takes me to about 1840. I have begun writing our story at a basic level - facts and figures and now need to add in all the bits and pieces which will make it come to life. How I wish I could go and chat to each of my great great grand parents and ask them what life was like. How amazing would that be! How different their lives would have been to ours.

I am so thankful for my comfortable life with electricity, washing machine, dishwasher, hoover, gas, lighting, cameras, televisions, photographs, computers, telephones, street lighting, toasters, x-rays, films, antibiotics etc......  so much we take forgranted every day of our lives that make our lives so easy. I wonder what you are thankful for today?

Grey days

Grey Days at Crean Bottoms By David Jenkin

The sun has been sleeping too long

Perhaps it is dead?

The sky is grey and sodden;

It drapes its misery

Like the shawl about the head.

Walk on, light the fire to

Drive out the damp.

Strike out the negative

Until it evaperates,

And tomorrow can be a better day.

 

This poem sums up today - grey! But I will light the fire and snuggle up and hope that tomorrow the sun shines.  However - before then there is shopping to put away, puddings to cook, some beds to be made and some tidying. Chloe and Ed will be back tonight and friends to lunch tomorrow and Les Mis on Sunday, and maybe my biggest boy popping in for a visit. 

 

 'All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well'

A thread of thankfulness

Nothing is quite right - I am sure you know that feeling. Lots of little niggles, health wise, home wise, sleep wise etc..... I am struggling to find a pattern for my days. I miss the structure of working and need to find a way of making a new structure which takes self-discipline something I am not very good at. When you only have a short amount of available time you fit in what urgently needs to get done. When you can choose what you do when and structure your own days - mmmmm that's when I come unstuck. Life is full of lovely things to do and some not so lovely things and I need a bit of both! When I was so poorly and could only do one thing a day I longed for the days when I could pack my day. I am now nearer to that but still have to reserve energy for certain activities but I feel guilty when I haven't achieved all that I want to achieve. I suppose this is the part of the journey where I am trudging along! Learning to live in the new normal and accepting it for what it is and not longing for more. Thankfulness remains my byword and is the thread winding through my days. Maybe at times it's not quite as obvious as it was but it's still there.

Enough snow!

Ok enough snow now! It is very pretty and I have enjoyed watching it fall but now it starts to impact daily living and it can go. I don't drive in snow and when it is icy I don't walk in the snow either. I have enough difficuties walking normally without snow to help. Thankfully Mr Ocado does drive in snow and bought our shopping this morning so we can eat. 

My family tree is coming on nicely - it has over 280 people in it. Wow! That is 280 people related to me. 280 stories - not that i intend to tell them all! 

So this week some tidying,  lots of washing (I am still trying to get on top of the washing since Christmas), some tutoring, some book sorting for the bookstall, some planning of meals for a busy weekend, some cooking for busy weekend, maybe some coffee drinking with friends, some family history course(thankfully I can walk to it if necessary), some patchwork with friends, some biblestudy, some flowers arranging, some cinema going, some lunch with friends, some family visiting, some ironing, and some family history writing. I had better get started!

Cosy and warm

This is where I spent yesterday, occasionally with Papageno although he is not at all keen on the fire. It was cosy and warm and the perfect place to be writing my family history. I am now back to the 1830s fairly reliably on both sides of my family and I'm looking for the details which make our story come alive. It is amazing what you can find out from forms! I don't want it to be just a list of names and dates, which, however interesting in themselves, really do need padding out to make a better story. 

I was pleased to be in touch with all my children last night (none of whom are at home this weekend) to know that they were all tucked up in homes. It seems very strange not to have anyone building snowmen in our garden - probably the first time it hasn't happened for 25 years.

This weekend we shall mostly stay put with small ventures out for essentials on Paul's part! I had thought that a snowy walk would be a good idea but probably not if it continues to snow. At least I am getting my writing done.

I hope you are all able to stay cosy at home and enjoy looking at the snow.

Snow and family history

Outisde my window the world is turning white. It is looking so very beautiful. However I am so glad I have cancelled everything and can stay inside and watch. I am so grateful that I don't have to go to dialysis. The winter I did dialysis was so worrying when it snowed in case I wouldn't be able to get to hospital. The other patients told me of previous years when they had been collected from their homes in all manor of vehicles and then had to sleep in local B&Bs. I really didn't want to have to do any of that especilally when i was feeling so ill. With dialysis you don't have the option to cancel. 

This week has been a bit of this and a bit of that with a bit of being poorly. I have manged to do quite a lot of family history research which has been wonderful. My amazing bit of news is that because of this blog and my previous comments I have been found by a member of my family. How wonderful is the internet! He is a cousin a few times removed but his grandfather was brought up by my great grandparents. His greatgrandfather was Bijou and my greatgrandmother was Bella. It is so exciting to find him and to be in touch with this part of my family. The other very exciting news is that the painting - 'Popularity' that Bella and Bijou are in is going to be dispalyed in the V&A musuem this year. Bella and Bijou are the couple right in the middle by the policeman - Bella has a white coat on.It is wonderful to have our family history coming alive. 

So this weekend - we are snuggling down with an open fire, cosy duvets, yummy food and each other for company. Thankful for our home and family.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for 

• central heating
• good food
• no dialysis
• my family 
• contact with family I didn't know
• God's word - sharper than a two edged sword 
• my laptop
• jamas
• answered prayer 
• my friends
• my kidneys working at 18%
• my patchwork quilt
• my beautiful new button clock
• my phone
• Being cancer free as far as I know 
• Papageno 
• my husband who loves me
• my family tree - fitting together 
• candles and twinkly lights

 I have just looked back over my posts for the last few weeks and realised that I have hardly mentioned being ill. Just a few comments but mostly they are full of other things. Looking back a year my posts were full of hospitals and illness. I was still going for regular check ups and my arm was causing lots of problems. I wrote

'What will you do now with the gift of your left life? '

 

a  line from Carol Ann Duffy's poetry. I think I am getting it - I am using my 'left life' and trying to make each day count, trying to live it to the full, taking every opportunity and loving it. I still have to remember to take time out to stop and rest otherwise my body tells me I have done too much, but I can push myself a bit more now and that is ok. I am more settled in my new normal and feel like I fit. Life is good and I am thankful.

Apologies and this and that

Apologies for the lack of posting - something is not quite right with my blog and it doesn't want me to post! 

My family tree is taking up lots of my time - some exciting news about that later in the week. 

I am loving the snow - but I don't like driving in it. Hoping it clears up a bit by the time I have to go out. Thankfully Mr Ocardo brought my shopping this morning. 

This week I am going to Cameo, tutoring, coffee with a friend, starting my family history course, going to see my Aunt and Uncle in Bexhill (weather permitting), flower arranging, bible study with the ladies, and a bit of cooking, cleaning, ironing etc... in the gaps in between all those lovely things. I hope you all have lovely weeks planned. Still looking for joy in each day. 

Stroke Prevention

I don't like feeling wooly headed in the morning and sick in the evening. I don't like feeling tired all the time. I don't like having swollen ankles and feet in the evening. I don't like having bad dreams. But the news that Andrew Marr has had a stroke is a wakeup call to remind me (if I needed reminding) why I take the tablets that make me feel like that. Andrew Marr is the same age as me and now has to face the consequences of having had a stroke. Whilst looking at photos I found pictures of my grandma before she had her stroke. I can't really remember her very well before the stroke but she was a very large part of my life after the stroke.  The consequences to her life were huge. It affected her speech, coordination, walking and fine motor skills on one side. She came to live with us as my grandfather had a heat attack and died while she was in hospital. Thankfully so much more can be done now when someone has a stoke if they get to hospital quickly. 

These are the symptoms of a stoke - we should all know them, maybe you could save someone from living with the terrible consequences of a stroke. 

The main stroke symptoms can be remembered with the word FAST: Face-Arms-Speech-Time.

• Face – the face may have dropped on one side, the person may not be able to smile or their mouth or eye may have drooped
• Arms – the person with suspected stroke may not be able to lift one or both arms and keep them there because of arm weakness or numbness
• Speech – their speech may be slurred or garbled, or the person may not be able to talk at all despite appearing to be awake
• Time – it is time to dial 999 immediately if you see any of these signs or symptoms

Today I am having lunch with a friend and doing some of those post Christmas jobs in town, thankful that I can get about independently. 

If people could learn from history, what lessons it might teach us!

If a man is fortunate he will, before he dies, gather up as much as he can of what he knows about his world, and tell it to his children.

                Will Durant, a modern American thinker.

If people could learn from history, what lessons it might teach us!

                Samuel Coleridge Taylor (1772–1834), a British poet.

I sat with Ben yesterday surrounded by bags of photos, certificates, newspaper cuttings etc.. and chatted about our family. He was fascinated to see newspaper cuttings about relatives of ours. But we both had so many questions that I wished we could ask them. I would love to know about their lives - I have little bits of information but how wonderful it would be to sit down with my great grandfather and ask him what it was like to perform in front of Queen Victoria or travel to Australia and South Africa, or direct some of the first talking films. I would love to ask Peter Cannon (Bijou) how he came to marry Florrie and not Blanche(Bella) who he worked with. Or to ask Blanche about how Emily (her mum died) and what it felt like when her dad married Eliza. How I would love to sit in a room with my great uncle Roy Kellino and ask how he felt when James Mason (the actor) stole his wife. Or how he could have gone on to live with them. So many questions! 

What it does highlight is that you should ask questions of your family while they are alive. So many questions I wished I had asked my parents when they were here. I am very sad I didn't. My dad was an a only child and so I have no one to ask about his family - particularly his fathers side of the family. It makes me realise how important it is for me to write down what I know to pass on to my children. I wonder what lessons my family would want me to pass on?   

So today - more sorting of the stuff I have found in readiness of writing my family history. It may also be the day I tackle my girlies room! As ever she has left some piles of stuff to be sorted! I am also still wading my way through Christmas washing - that seems never ending. 

Windsor Castle

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”  And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.  That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”  So I went forth, and finding the hand of God, trod gladly into the night.  And he led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.  
Minnie Louise Haskins 1908 

 Our day in Windsor was lovely although maybe not quite christmasy enough for me. After Basildon Park I expected lots of rooms to be decorated but at Windsor there were only a few. They had a small table set for a meal - all decorated in gold with ivy running all over the table. Some small artificial trees and one large one and some lovely banisters covered in foliage(artificial) and orange slices, berries etc.... Some of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert's presents were displayed in cabinets. 


Apparently each member of the family would have had their own small Christmas tree on a table and

the presents would have been displayed around the tree. Albert had designed jewellery for Victoria. 

The gardens which are on view over the walls are really lovely. On Saturday a lady was gardening right at the top of the slope -quite tricky to balance there. I did wonder if hobbits lived in the small caves you can see on the bottom pictures.

We saw the guard being changed and as ever i was amazed at their marching - perfectly in time together ignoring all that was going on around them. (A child was shouting at his mum who was telling him to move out of the way). Reminded me of a visit we had with Chloe when she had run ahead of us up the hill and the guard appeared marching behind her. before we could get to her they reached her - broke formation around where she was,  by now sitting on the floor quite concerned by these large men marching towards her. They reformed perfectly just beyond her.

 I wish we had videoed it. She didn't cry as it all happened so quickly with just one shout by the soldier in charge to tell the men to break formation and then reform. 

We returned home to a very messy kitchen where more cake pops were being made. 

 Today we had good news - Ben passed his driving test first time at 8am this morning. I think he did very well as the traffic must have been quite busy. It is a shame we can't afford to insure him at the moment! Otherwise I could have a chauffeur. 

Chloe has taken her exam which will decide where she will work for the next 2 years. She will find out in February. 

 This week - coffee and lunch  with friends, meetings, finishing clearing up Christmas, flower arranging and bible study and hopefully some more family treeing. 

A bit of this and that

Windsor Castle today - our first outing for 2013. I am looking forward to seeing it all dressed up for Christmas.  I am very glad that it isn't raining. 

Last night Chloe and I went through the next 6 months and her plans. She just has 3 more placements before her study leave, exams and then she will become Dr Chloe! It has been a long 5 years especially with everything that has happened with me but she has done so well and worked so hard. I am very proud of her. She is looking forward to knowing where she will be for the future and actually having a home - living out of suitcases for a year has been difficult. However it has been really lovely having her and Ed home more often and I will miss them when she is working. She is hoping to get a job as close to or in London as possible which will mean at least we can pop up to see her. 

My family tree building is exciting and I am already enjoying the finding out. I have found a local 3 week course which should also help get me a bit further. It is time consuming so I think I will have to set myself time limits. 

Life is so good! 

Keeping in touch

It's Friday and I'm not sure where that week went. First week of the year and it has disappeared in a flash. Thank you for your comments this week it is great to hear from you otherwise it feels a bit like I am writing to no-one even though I know that I have about 100 views every day. You don't have to comment on here but can email me at anne@thewhitefamilysite.org.uk . I love to know about your lives too. It has been really good to be in touch with old friends. I hope to be able to catch up with lots of people this year now that I have a bit more energy. It is sad when we loose touch with people who have been so very much part of our lives. I was given wise advice a while ago from a special friend to 'love hard and hold lightly' when I was facing more friends moving out of my life. I intend to try and love hard this year and be in touch and hopefully see many of you . I love travelling on trains so can meet up with those of you who are further away at half way points - possibly not in the winter though!!! 

Today - flower arranging, lunch with a friend and time with Chloe. Lovely! 

Family History

I am struggling to get back into any sense of routine. I don't have the discipline of new terms and work although my boy does and Paul is back at work now. How easy it is to let time slip and to find I have done nothing with it. Today the decorations are coming down and then maybe I will feel I am getting back to some normality. Chloe and Ed are also returning from their lovely holiday in Cornwall. 

I have decided to try and collate a book about my family history to share with my siblings. We have quite an interesting family, many involved with the Music Hall, early films and an acrobatic troupe who toured all over the world. As I go along I may share a little here. 

Yesterdays find was this link http://www.arthurlloyd.co.uk/EraObitFiles/mol.htm to a picture which is in  the Museum of London and was commissioned by Bella and Bijou - a music hall act. Bella was my Great-Grandmother and I think Bijou was her brother-in-law, Peter Cannon. Above is a photo of them. How amazing to be able to find out about your family on the internet from the comfort of ones bed!!!! 

Headlines

Apologies but I am going to have a little rant .........

Headlines such as this

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2255133/Organic-food-helped-beat-cancer-says-Marchioness-lived-alkaline-diet-chemotherapy.html

do nothing to help women who have had breast cancer. They just confuse families and friends who read it and think that you can ‘beat’ breast cancer by diet and in less than 3 years. There is already so much pressure on you when facing a breast cancer diagnosis without confusing the issue further. The treatment is hard – you are often facing a year of treatment, which may include chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy and maybe more surgery for reconstruction. I am not saying that you shouldn't try specific diets but don’t think that this will mean the disease will be beaten in 3 years.

The Cancer Research website doesn't talk about cures or even remission – it talks about survival. In 2010 (the year I was diagnosed) 49,563 women were also diagnosed.

The overall survival rates of breast cancer stand at

1 year = 95.8%

5 year = 85.1%

10 year = 77%

These are general survival rates for breast cancer and don’t take into account the different types of breast cancer and their treatments. Some types of breast cancer are more aggressive but some have the advantage of having ongoing treatment for example oestrogen receptive breast cancers. This makes the picture a difficult one to get your head around. But the main thing is to realise that we can no longer talk in terms of curing.

Cancer research states ‘A common misconception is to treat five-year survival rates as ‘cure’ rates. However, for breast cancer survival continues to fall beyond five years after diagnosis’ Unfortunately this means that people will die of breast cancer beyond the 5 years. Some having recurrences up to 20 years after diagnosis. I wish the media would take care when publishing these accounts of ‘cures’ and now use the better language of survival. For all of us who have ‘danced’ (my lovely friend Stephanie’s word) with breast cancer we have had to learn to live beyond the diagnosis and that means learning to live with the possibility that it will return. There are no guarantees even 20 years after diagnosis and we can never talk about being cured. Thankfully if you do reach 5 years from diagnosis then you do have a very good chance that it won’t recur but there are no promises. I am slowly learning that I don’t have to worry about every little ache and pain (a good job as I have plenty of them!) I am learning to thrive as well as survive remembering to make every day count but I remain alert to the possibility of cancer rearing its ugly head again. I wish that the media would look at reality rather than choosing the sensational headlines. 

Looking Forward

I have so much to look forward to and I am so thankful that I have the energy to be involved in so many different things. My life is full of lovely things, with a few not so lovely ones thrown in! (Ironing, tidying, washing,cleaning the oven and windows and hospital visits not included in the looking forward)

v     Windsor Castle Visit

v     Cinema to see – Les Mis and The Hobbit

v     Ballets – Onegin, Mixed Programme, Alice in Wonderland

v     Coffee with many friends

v     Lunch with other friends

v     Book Club meetings

v     Life with my church family

v     Another visit to Slimbridge in the Spring

v     Tutoring my little fellows

v     Ben’s 18^th birthday

v     Continuing my opera journey with La Boheme

v     Afternoon tea in London

v     Reading new books

v     Patchwork meetings

v     Sharing life with my Bible Study ladies

v     Cameo Meetings

v     Developing Book Stall

v     My girlie finding out where she will be working for the next 2 years

v     A night in Stratford and As You like it  at Theatre

v     Lovely meal in Rooftop restaurant

v     Family get togethers

v     Chelsea Flower show with Paul and Kitty

Cathedral visits 

v     Chloe becoming Dr White

v     My boy deciding what he will do with his future

v     Visits to Craft shows

v     Plenty of knitting, stitching, crafting and writing. 

I am looking forward to so many of you being part of my life this year. Hopefully there will be opportunities for me to spend time with lots of you. I am hoping to meet up with some of my school friends and of course my radiography friends. 

Thank you to all of you who have been part of my 2012 - in so many different ways.