I have been thinking a lot about what i would write today - the last day of this year.About my plans for next year and all that I will do ............ and then I remembered its not about me. Its not my plans but His, its not my life its His

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Eph 3

I can have hopes and dreams but I must hold them lightly trusting that the creator of the world has all things in his hands. Just enough light for this day and no more.

My blood tests were better this week. Welllllllllllllllllll when I say better my creatinine was lower again so it looks like the antibiotics or the infection affected it. My phosphates were high - mmmm back to the diet again. However my potassium was fine despite quite a lot of high potassium foods. My urea was also high so I need to increase my fluids again.Drinking is tricky when you are busy!

Today we continue with the sorting - Paul is in a big sorting mood and keeps finding me things to sort and cupboards to empty! We will have a sorted house by the time he is finished! Not sure we are throwing much just reallocating it to different parts of the house!

May I wish you all a happy, healthy and peaceful New Year.

I wonder how you would answer these questions. I have found it very interesting to look back on the year and think of all that has happened. I made a list of all the things that I have done and although obviously hospitals feature most often it is still full of wonderful things. I am so grateful to God as I look back and realise how his hand has guided me and how so many of the things I have done have been joyful.

So many of the most precious memories involve my family and friends and I am thankful for you all.

20 Questions for a New Year’s Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Josh and Debs wedding

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Dialysis – not sure this counts as a single thing but it was the hardest part

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I have experienced so much joy this year but the most unexpected was stopping dialysis. I will never forget the moment the consultant said I could stop or the tears in the eyes of my oncologist when I told him. I believed miracles could happen I just didn’t expect them to happen to me.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

More chemo in March

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

Hard, joyful and thankfulness

8. What were the best books you read this year?

‘One Thousand gifts’,

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

My family, my bible study ladies, my work colleagues, my friends

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

To learn to take each day as it comes and to look for joy in that day (I don’t always do it but I do try)

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I am and always will be someone who wears her emotions on her sleeves, I laugh, cry and love easily!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

I am more trusting in an awesome God

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

I have curly hair now!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I think I have learnt to treasure all my relationships more and to tell people regularly that I love them

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Being able to look after my house again – even if I don’t do it very well!

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Letting go of work was very challenging

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

I hope I haven’t wasted too much of this year

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Praying

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

That miracles can happen

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

Thankfulness each and every day

Today I am looking's forward to a meal at a friends house. Chloe is looking forward to her boy being back.

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body. But rather, to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW, What A Ride!" annon

My poor body is definitely not going to be a beautifully preserved body! But I am trying to live life to the full, grasping each opportunity and finding joy everywhere.

As ever I am reflecting on the year gone by and looking to the future one. I am making lists of all that I would like to achieve this year taking into account that I can't know what is around the corner. This is my last full year with a child at home - in 2013 my baby chick will fly and my baby girl will be a Dr - all being well. I want to make the most of time with them. I also want to remember to take time to 'stop and smell the roses'. As I get better and have more energy it is so easy to get caught up in the hurry of life again and I don't want that to happen. We have one life and I want to live mine well.

I am writing this from my new bed - at last. I am very pleased with it. The men travelled from Wales this morning to take the wrong bed away and put up the new bed - thankfully. It looks very lovely and as I do spend a lot of time in my room it is good that it is so nice. We just need to sort it out now and decide where to put things. Both Paul and I find it hard to throw things away - we are both hoarders!

We have had a lovely day. Kit and Shaun came for coffee before heading back to Stroud which was lovely. I miss seeing Kit fortnightly at dialysis. I am hoping to go to Stroud soon instead of her having to come here. Chloe and I then went into Reading for some retail therapy. I managed 4 hours which is very good (it did include lunch and quite long bus journeys as there were no trains)

Tomorrow is blood test day and hopefully see Josh before he goes back to Brighton on Friday. It was lovely to see him for 5 days but it is hard to know he is in Wokingham but not see him. I miss him. It is sad that children have to grow up and leave you. Hold onto your little ones tight.

How fast the last 3 days have gone. We have had a lovely time - family time is SO wonderful. I am very tired today and we are having a duvet day. Not sure I can manage a whole day in my jamas but we shall see! We have all had wonderful presents and shall be smelling wonderful for the next few weeks!!!!

Only one sad moment when everyone was opening stockings and I thought about how I could so easily not have been here. I am so

grateful to be alive and to be with my family. My thoughts go out to those who have lost loved ones this year or who can't be with loved ones for whatever reason. How hard that must be! Maybe soon those thoughts won't be with me any more and I will get on with life - living it to the full.

Ho Hum! We have started the day early with the delivery of a new bed - supposed to have been delivered yesterday. IT HAS BEEN DELIVERED TODAY AND IT IS THE WRONG BED! Not sure what they are now going to do about it as we have dismantled our old bed! And we are off to the ballet in a couple of hours. Paul has gone off for a walk to calm down! Why can't people do a good job anymore?

On a much happier note we had a lovely day yesterday enjoying the company of my children and friends, walking in the fresh air and seeing birds of prey.

Today we are off to London to see The Nutcracker. You can't get much more christmassy than that! We are then going out for Tappas. It will be a lovely day.

Then Christmas starts -
Christmas eve - cooking, church followed by a meal at Joy and Matt
Christmas day - Joy and Matt and family and our family here
Boxing day - at Joy and Matts with kitty and Shaun, Mark and the girls and us minus Josh and Debs who will be with Debs family

I am hoping to have enough energy to cope with lots of business.

May I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas with those you love. Thank you for being my friends and sharing my journey. My prayers for you all are that you will KNOW the one who we celebrate.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

This is who holds my hand - who walks with me - who guides my path - who numbers my days. Wow!

Yesterday was cooking day and we have cooked our little socks off! By the evening I was exhausted but happy to have spent the day with my girlie cooking. We work so well together in the kitchen - it is a great joy. The fridge and freezer are now completely full. Just mince pies to do today.

Today my boy comes home and we will all be here. Tonight we are having a meal to celebrate all my chicks and my adopted chicks will be here. Before that we have beds to be made and tidying to be done - not sure if I will have enough energy for all I would like to get done. So will do what I can and leave the rest! Tonight our house will be creaking at the seams!

At church yesterday we had the reminder that - 'its all about Him'. I feel that the last 2 years have been all about me and its time to change. I am hoping that the next year can be all about Him. That my life can be outward looking not inward. That my time can be spent for others not wasted on me. This is a challenge when sickness still batters at my door and when my energy levels remain poor - but we shall see. I am looking forward to leaving this year behind and beginning a new one - hopefully with less illness.

My strictly party was wonderful with good company and lovely food and great dancing ( not that I danced of course) The nativity was lovely at church.

This week brings lots of business and best of all - my family all together. Josh and Debs come home on Wednesday and stay with us until Sunday evening - wonderful. We are going to see The Nutcracker on Friday in London which will be a real treat. Lots more sparkle!

Feeling quite reflective today - I am sure you will say that I am always!!! But today maybe more than usual. I am reflecting on the past 2 1/2 years and feeling very glad to still be here. Who could have guessed 3 years ago what the next 3 years would bring and how changed I would be? We so take our lives forgranted and our health. We assume that the year ahead will bring us much the same as we have always had - but it doesn't always and sometimes it is a complete surprise. My prayers for the year ahead are that I will walk close to God trusting that He has all things in his hands. That is all and that is enough. I have hopes which include a year that doesn't involve so many hospital visits and include lots of visits to lovely places but that is all they are just hopes - the essential desire is that I walk close to God with whatever He has in store. And only He knows what that will be. And today that is ok. My hand in His.

Yesterdays ladies lunch was really lovely - great food, laughter and sharing our lives. These ladies have been such a huge part of my journey and without them life would have been so much harder. Thank you ladies for being wonderful - my fellow adventurers . Together we are learning persistence in prayer and believing that God hears our every request.

I had a lovely chat on the phone with a family friend yesterday. Edward if you read this I haven't got your new address. Please could you let me know it. I know you gave it to me last year but I have lost it again! My love to Jean for a speedy recovery.

Today my strictly strictly party - wonderful. We have sparkles and enough food to feed an army!

Struggling a bit to write this this evening. My visit to the hospital was adventurous. My blood results are showing that my kidneys may be beginning to struggle a bit. My consultant suggested that I needed to have more words with them! It is possible that the antibiotics may be affecting them but that is doubtful. They will watch the pattern and see if it is just a blip. My blood pressure is also going up so I have more tablets to take for that. The interesting (not sure that is quite the right word) thought is that my swollen arm is more likely to be caused by a blockage in my fistula. I am therefore having surgery on my arm in January to open up my fistula - hopefully. If they can't do that they will remove my fistula - I didn't ask how that would happen! I would then need another fistula made some where else - ho hum! I don't think they know whether there is also some lymphodema there as well. I suppose we shall see when the fistula is sorted. While at the clinic a gentleman was taken ill and the resus team arrived running along the corridor. There was a lot of activity followed by the gentleman saying - 'get me off the floor I have a bad back' . I don't think he understood how serious it had been. I was glad to be going home at the end of all that.

I am feeling disappointed to hear that my kidneys may be struggling but we shall see. God is in charge and we know he can do amazing things. In the meantime I will make the most of my days and enjoy having 7 days a week to plan. I will enjoy Christmas without dialysis this year knowing that maybe by next year I will be having dialysis again.

Today I had a lovely lunch at school. It was really wonderful to see everyone all together and to chat to some. I miss them all SO much and am very grateful that they are still part of my life. They do wonderful food too.

Started the day with a blood test at Royal Berks. Managed to time it very well and didn't have to wait and the phlebotonist found a vein first go using a tiny needle and a butterfly. Then a shopping trip and now - needing a sleep!

I will probably not blog for the next few days except to update after my hospital visit tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow I have school lunch and hospital visit. Friday ladies bible study lunch here followed by GP visit. Saturday Strictly Final party and Sunday Nativity in the morning and carol service in the evening. Lots of lovely things - as always hoping I have enough energy for it all.

I hope you all have lovely weekend plans and that you find time to stop and consider what Christmas is really about. Jesus given for us. Immanuel.

Yesterday was a super busy day - just like a normal persons day. I was so glad to be able to manage everything even if I did collapse into bed at 7.30 last night! I made 2 cakes, did the washing, went shopping, decorated 2 cakes, had lunch, went to Cameo, tutored, made tea, put away shopping and cleaned fridge. Wow! Not quite in that order! It is wonderful to be busy - last year I could manage about one of those things. I like this new normal.

Today I am having coffee with a friend, speaking to the GP on the phone and hoping not to have to go and see her, then meeting Ben in Reading for some Christmas shopping. Again a normal busy day. I may also have to do some tidying otherwise friend won't be able to sit down to have coffee!

I have posted my cards - yippee! Now to get down to wrapping presents something I left last year to the last moment and I ran out of energy - some people then didn't get their presents until September!

As ever I am thankful for new days. My arm seems to be getting better very slowly. It isn't so red and is slightly less swollen. I am getting used to feeling sick all the time. Hopefully this weeks hospital/GP visits will only bring good news.

Today I am making birthday cakes for our group from church for people who spend a lot of time on their own. . I am looking forward to going there this afternoon. It is good to be involved with outward looking things. It is so easy to become inward focussed when you are ill.

We can tell that Chloe is home as the lounge looks like a bomb site! Our dining room table has been taken over with making!

I am hoping to get our cards in the post today - they are sitting and waiting so you never know. Looking back on last year I was still writing them at this time. We have now had Papageno for a year. He arrived at this time last year and has become a vital part of our family. He brightens all our days. It is wonderful to be greeted by his lovely miaow when we return home or in the mornings. He has finished his tablets and is now fit again. Hurrah!

My advent readings are based on 'the art of waiting' by Wendy Bray. What a challenge! You would think by now I would have got it. God's in charge and all things in His time. But no I am still learning patience - I am still learning that life will throw at me things that I don't choose and I must learn patience in those times. Yesterday I felt very frustrated by the antibiotics and feeling sick. I am anxious that they may be causing my kidneys to struggle and that scares me that I will have to go back onto dialysis. But I have a Father in heaven who knows all things and is in charge of the future. I just have to live in today and not worry about tomorrow. You would think I would have got this - maybe I never will - maybe it is life long learning.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, sayingChloe is now home for the holidays , ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6

So today I am going to try living in this day and not worrying about tomorrow but leaving that to God.

Yesterday Paul's concert was wonderful. Full of great singing and some wonderful brass playing. I was SO grateful to be able to be there and not to be in hospital.Chloe is now home for the holidays apart from a brief visit back Monday and Tuesday to see her professor. This week is to be a week of hospital and GP visits, some making with Chloe, some cooking for the freezer and some Christmas meals ending with a sparkly strictly party next weekend. Sounds good doesn't it.

I checked my blood test results at 2am! They are slightly higher particularly my creatinine which could be caused by the antibiotics. But not enough to be worrying - yet! I will need to be stricter with my diet again though. I am seeing kidney consultant on Thursday so will discuss these results with him then. I will also have another blood test on Wednesday. So it is going to be a week of drs. Appointments with GP on Tuesday and Friday, blood test at hospital on Wednesday and clinic on Thursday. Well that will keep me occupied!

I am so thankful to be at home and not in hospital. Today Chloe comes home for the holidays (with just a days visit back to Southampton one day this week). Paul is singing in a concert tonight which we shall go to watch. I am really looking forward to that.

I hope you all have exciting weekend plans

Ho hum!!!!! I rang the gp this morning to say I was now itchy and she said that I needed to be seen. To cut a long story short - I now have more antibiotics to add to the original ones, cream for my itching and I have had a lot of blood tests. The gp is concerned that my itching is due to my kidney disease not a drug reaction. So we shall see. Nothing is ever simple with me. More drugs with more side effects - lovely! Still anything rather than going into hospital.

My arm is slightly less red so hopefully on the mend. It is hard to know as I didn't notice the redness before! However it is certainly not worse so going to leave it today and see what tomorrow brings. Hoping it doesn't get worse over the weekend! I am very grateful for the anti-sickness tablets as they are keeping the sickness at bay. I am still feeling sick but not being sick.

Yesterday was a very busy but lovely day. Shopping was successful and I managed to get everything I was looking for which was good. The school nativity was delightful. My favourite part was when one of the kings nearly pushed his camel over because he wasn't standing in the right place. They also got quite keen on walking around the hall and kept disappearing off the stage for another walk round! There was lots of waving to mums and dads which is always lovely. Our house group meal last night was very yummy. It was good to spend some time just chatting.

Today I have coffee with a friend and some resting - maybe finishing writing the cards. A good sitting job.

there are no ‘ifs’ in God’s kingdom,

His timing is perfect.

His will is our hiding place…..

Corrie Tenboom

So do I believe this or not? Is He in charge or not? Does He direct my paths or not? Those are huge questions and it is good to return to them again and again as life appears to throw more ‘stuff’ at me. And again and again I will say – His timing is perfect and His choices for my life are the best whatever I seem to think in the moment. I trust that He is in charge.

Yesterday I had my first antibiotics and then 20 minutes later threw them back up – a great start! I then had to wait until the next dose was due, take my anti-sickness tablets first and then take the antibiotics. This worked thankfully otherwise I think I would be heading for the hospital today. Unfortunately I have to take the tablets 4 times a day an hour before food. Ho Hum! I think I will need to set an alarm on my phone to remind me. I am really hoping that the anti sickness tablets work well as I don’t want to be feeling sick for 2 weeks.

Today – all being well, shopping this morning, school nativity this afternoon and Housegroup meal this evening. All lovely things to do, perhaps made a bit more tricky whilst feeling sick!

So lymphodema clinic this morning. Went through my history and I answered lots of questions. The physio then examined my arm and said that she thought I had cellulitis along with the lymphodema, This is an infection in the soft tissues and can quickly lead to a whole body infection. She told me to go straight to the GP and get high dose antibiotics. She also said that there is not very much they will be able to do for the lymphodema because of my fistula but she will contact the renal team and see what they can do to help. She is also ordering me a special soft bandage to wear. I went to see the GP and phoned the kidney care nurses to check what drugs I can take because of the renal implications. Nothing is ever simple. So I now have high dose antibiotics for 2 weeks. If it doesn't start working within 48 hours I have to go back and I may need to go into hospital for IV antibiotics. Ho Hum!!!! The antibiotics have side effects - of course - and so I will be taking other tablets to counteract the side effects. mmmmmm working hard to look for joy in this day! Thankful for my warm blanket and my lovely husband, for twinkly lights and my Christmas tree.

I am off to the lymphodema clinic this morning. I hope they are ready for me! I am not sure what they will be able to suggest - if anything but we shall see. Most treatments would affect my fistula and therefore not possible. But at least they should be able to advise me about whether I should be sitting with it in the air etc..... I am also off to the shops for a bit more Christmas shopping. Nearly there I hope. Last night I started the cards - they take a long time as I can't write for very long before my fingers get sore. But at least I have started!

Monday morning! I am feeling a bit all over the place today. I have so many bits everywhere and I don't know which to start/finish first. I need a plan! Or maybe I need an organiser! I am sure I will get through everything its just that it is a bit chaotic. I am loving all the sparkly lights and my beautiful Christmas tree. I have made my first mince pies with special mincemeat with less of the fruits I can't have. I made them very little as well so that hopefully they are not so bad for me!!!!

Chloe has her statistics exam today and then apart from meetings with her professor she is finished. She is staying in Southampton this week to go to Christmas meals and reviews. She will then be home at the weekend. I am looking forward to having her home and doing making.

Busy day today. Cooking and cleaning this morning and then service at church this afternoon. A Time to Remember. It is so good to stop and think for a while of those who have died both recently and in the past. Christmas can be so busy it is good to have a time to be quiet within the business. Again a reminder that it could have been my family there remembering - I am so thankful it is not.

I am looking forward to the week ahead which includes the nativity at school, house-group meal and hospital appointment for my arm.

Very tired again today - seems I can manage one busy day followed by one very not busy day! Ho hum! I shouldn't be so impatient at least I can now manage one busy day. Recovery is SO slow! I forget so quickly how poorly I have been and how amazing it is that I can do anything. This time last year I could manage one thing in a day and that one thing was usually tiny. The rest of the day was spent recovering. Yesterday I managed tidying, shopping, cooking, baking, flower arranging and making a wreath, bible study, washing, hoovering...... quite a normal day for most people but amazing for me. Today I have done - well nothing! Maybe I should share it out a bit!

In bible study yesterday it was good to be reminded that we worship an amazing God who does amazing things, and that prayer changes things. I, of all people, should never forget that. We can't understand his plans but he knows what he is doing. He sees the big picture - whilst we see only a glimpse here and now.

Well I had better be off and do something with my day. There are boxes everywhere - ho hum!

Wow! last nights concert at Ben's school was AMAZING. The boys are SO talented and we were treated to a wonderful array of different music. 4 of Ben's music group sang barbershop and it was brilliant. They were funny and beautifully in tune throughout. I was a proud Mummy. Ben's friend conducted the concert band as they played the music from Pirates of the Caribbean - it was fantastic we felt very proud of him too. It was great to see boys loving music.

Yesterday we put up our Christmas tree. I know its very early but I love Christmas and twinkly lights. I had a few tears as I opened the bag of decorations as when I put them away last year I did wonder if I would be opening them this year or whether my family would be opening the bag without me. (or not opening them as Chloe said because they wouldn't want Christmas) We had a chat about the importance of carrying on after someone has gone to honour their memory even though it is hard. We stopped to think about all those we know this year who are facing Christmas without someone they love, especially those known to us whose loved ones have died very recently. I am so thankful to be here and to be recovering - slowly.

Chloe came home yesterday afternoon to come to Ben's concert. It is lovely to have her home and she is using the front room as her revision base again - more exams on Monday.

Today - tidying after the mess I made getting Christmas out of the loft. A bit of cooking - I have found renal friendly cake recipes. And ladies who lunch and bible study. A lovely day!