Yesterday was lovely. Great to spend time with Kit and Josh together and catch up and then a house full of people for tea. Paul cooked a lovely shepherds pie and apple strudel. His cooking is really coming on. I love my family. Joy bought me the most beautiful tiny cup back from Germany for my morning coffee ( I allow myself 1 cup of coffee 100mls per day). My fluid restriction remains 750mls per day which includes all fluids in food and drinks. It isn't much! I am very strict about it. This means that they don't have to take too much fluid off in dialysis which means that I can continue on 3 times a week and 4 hours each time.

I had my flu jab yesterday and my arm has been slightly sore but thats all. It was very efficiently organised.

Today brings church with Paul, Kit and Josh and then maybe out for lunch. Saville gardens if the weather improves or local pub if not.

I continue to value your thoughts and prayers aware that this is a long journey. Thank you for sticking by me. This week the number of viewings that my blog had had reached 10,000. How amazing to think that 10,000 times people had logged in to see what was happening in my not very exciting life. Thank you all.

It's a beautiful Autumnal day and I am so grateful for new days given by God and full of possibilities. It has seemed a hard week this week but hopefully I am coming through it and out the other side. I am so impatient to be well that sometimes I loose sight of the 'joy in each day'. I take forgranted the many gifts that I am given in each day and forget to say thank you.

I am looking forward to spending today with my family -Josh and Kit this afternoon and then Joy, Matt, Ben, Paul, Josh and Kit at tea time. Then Strictly all together - yummy. But first I need to have a flu jab - ho hum. I am hoping that it will be straight forward and not leave my arm hurting.

So I better go and get dressed.

Hope you all look for joy in this day.

Yesterday was much better than I had thought. We went to see the anaesthetist who was very helpful and then went shopping. Hurrah! Paul took me to Hobby Craft and I bought bits to make for Christmas. I was exhausted after shopping and was sick in the car - luckily not the shop! But it was lovely. In the shop I took my hat off and a little boy saw my bald head and stared for ages. He then rushed round to his Mum and in a very loud voice announced that he had seen a lady with NO hair! She then quickly moved him away. Bless him.

Paul then dropped me at dialysis where I waited for an hour or so for treatment. C came and joined me and we put the world to rights!

The anaesthetist went through all the various concerns that I had. He was very sweet and kept saying 'oh dear you have had a hard time'. Hopefully all will be well. 3 weeks today and it will be over.

Today my big boy comes home. Yippee! And B is coming to do Iris folding.

Yesterday turned out to be a yucky day. I was quite sick most of the day - just when I thought it was going. Hopefully it was the last day like that. So I did nothing for most of the day. Ho hum!

Today I have an appointment at 9.30 with the anaesthetist and then a long gap until dialysis at 12.00. I wish I had more energy and then I could go shopping in the gap.

Sorry I am full of complaints today. I so want to be able to do more and am finding this bit frustrating. As ever I am impatient. You would think I would have learnt patience by now. It is exactly 5 months since my diagnosis today - it feels much longer. I seem to have forgotten what normal is like.

2 weeks post chemo and beginning to eat better. So looking forward to food tasting normal again. My white cells are up and my hb is nearly normal. Dialysis was ok yesterday still waiting to see consultant to decide what to do about fistula.

Today seems to be a snuggling in day. My patchwork is calling me. And preparing for the weekend. Josh and Kit are coming to stay. It will be good to have them here.

Please continue to pray for us as parents that we will be wise in the decisions we make.

Started day early with visit to GP. Then a bit of sorting out so Ben can have a different desk. Now exhausted! I have so little energy hopefully once I am eating better that will improve.

Yesterday I had a lovely trip out to Holme Grange with a friend. It was really lovely to be out and about. I have so missed being independent and look forward to being able to do more normal things.

Today dialysis with D. As ever I am looking forward to catching up.

So yesterday didn't go quite to plan but hey ho! We didn't make it to church as we were just too disorganised. Not like me! But we did make it to M and S later in the day and I had a lovely time shopping. Chloe came to be my escort and push the wheel chair. We went to find a dress for Christmas that I could wear after my surgery. I wanted to do it before the crowds start. We had a lovely time and I have found a lovely dress with just the right neck line. And its purple - perfect. I also bought new jamas for hospital. I had wanted silky ones but they didn't have any front opening ones - and then Joy came last night with a perfect pair so now I have 2 lovely new pairs of jamas. I may never get dressed again!!! I loved shopping! We also went out for lunch - I only managed a little but it was lovely people watching.

Today holds a visit from the nurse and all being well a trip out to Holme Grange with a friend. I am not going to be taking my bucket - a good sign that the sickness is lessening at last. Hopefully soon my mouth will be better - at the moment it is like having a burnt mouth. I am hoping that when I do start eating I don't put on loads of weight quickly or I won't fit into my new dress at Christmas!

Hope your half terms are full of kicking leaves and enjoying the Autumn weather.

So today holds church, shopping trip and roast dinner all with my girlie - hopefully. It is a beautiful day although feels cold.

Dialysis yesterday was long despite having Chloe - not sure why. I wish I could do 2 hours instead of 4 I can manage that very well! I had pain in my back and legs which makes it difficult to stay still. However that has gone and shouldn't return as it was due to the injections. The sickness is also lessening although still comes and goes.

I dreamt that Paul was leaving me to go on a year long trip - interesting how the sub-conscious brings up our fears!! Glad to wake and find him still here bringing my coffee.

Chloe home - yippee. It is lovely knowing that I will spend the day with her today.

Yesterday I saw Joy and Talia which was lovely and Talia painted my nails beautifully. It was lovely to hear that everyone dressed in pink at school yesterday. I am hoping to see photos. I do hope you all have great half terms. I miss you all loads.

I woke in the night in pain in my back from the injections. It made me very grateful that I don't have pain regularly.

Hope you all have exciting weekend plans.

I had planned to go to school and out for lunch today but my white count is very low so I will be staying at home. I am feeling quite sad that I have to make that choice but feel it is the right thing to do. It should be the last time my white count drops so I should be more protected in the future. So I will be wearing pink at home today!

My appointment with the pre op clinic was straightforward yesterday - just lots of questions. Not sure why they need to know that I live in a house and have a pet snake! I couldn't see the anaesthetist despite that being the reason I went yesterday! So I will have to go again for that. Ho Hum!

Dialysis went quickly with Kitty. We chatted for ages and then she beat me at chequers.

Really looking forward to seeing Chloe tonight and catching up on her week with the GP.

Good morning all. I slept really well last night waking at 5 full of beans. I wish I could say thank you personally to the blood donors who make such a difference to my life. If you give blood THANK YOU. I managed to walk around Morrisons yesterday afternoon while waiting for my prescription. I do love shopping! It is amazing when you can't do normal things how much you miss them. I can't wait to be able to cook a meal for my family and make cakes again. I am looking forward to doing a basket of ironing (yes even ironing). Not sure when I will be able to do these things hopefully soon.

Today brings Kitty. I am looking forward to seeing her and hearing about her run last weekend. I have an appointment with the Pre op clinic today. The surgeon warned me that they will go pale when they know about my blood!

Dialysis today as well. Hopefully find out what the plans are about my fistula and see if we can fit that in around my surgery.

We have a plan - hurrah it doesn't involve more chemo! I will be having surgery on 18th November - a mastectomy and node removal. I should be in for 1 or 2 nights all being well. I am feeling fine about it. It helps that I know what it will look like and I have been resigned to it happening from the beginning. Paul is concerned I may need to learn how to walk again as I will be lopsided!!! We continue to laugh through most things.

It was a long day yesterday beginning at 9.00 with ultrasound followed by mammogram. Then an hour and half wait in clinic to be seen by a very rushed surgeon. No time to discuss things just this is what we will do and when. A lovely chat and hug with my breast care nurse who is leaving and meeting with new one. An appointment made to discuss all things related to mastectomies. Then a visit to pre-op right at the other end of the hospital who were very busy so I made an appointment for Thursday. Paul certainly didn't need a visit to the gym after he had pushed me from one end of the hospital and back twice, up numerous slopes. We then arrived slightly late to dialysis where they were very busy but ready for me. They had decided I needed a transfusion straight away. So the fistula couldn't be used. So blood started and dialysis begun. The fistula nurse then came and scanned my arm with the hope we could use it on Thursday. Unfortunately the vein splits after the fistula and is not ideal for use. So we now need another more detailed ultrasound and possibly another little op to tie off the vein and then time for it to grow - ho hum! It is never straightforward it seems. Thankfully I continue to take each day as it comes and can only be concerned with this day. Then they were late starting my third bag of blood so I had to have an extra 20 minutes of dialysis. We eventually arrived home at 6. I was very grateful for Paul's company during the morning and my friend D during the afternoon. It is a wonderful joy to spend Tuesdays with her.

So today a quiet day with a GP visit this afternoon to update tablets and sick notes.Looking forward to the weekend and Chloe home and then half term with my youngest boy. Glad to have more hb.

This is a picture from Wisley on Sunday with the lovely Autumn colours.

I am off to the hospital soon. Thank you for your prayers for today. I am looking forward to having a new plan after today. I will let you know tomorrow how we get on. Also hoping for our internet to be back on again after 2 weeks without it - no more dongle - yippee!

Sorry for late post today, I am on a go slow!

Yesterday was wonderful. We went to church first (unfortunately had to leave quickly in the last song as I was feeling very sick - fresh air and tablets solved it) and then to Wisley. My wheel chair and I had a great day. We had lunch in the restaurant and then Paul pushed me around the beautiful gardens. The colours of Autumn were everywhere. It was lovely as well to see all the seed heads left to do there magic for next year. And Paul got a good workout with the inclines. We finished our outing with a visit to the shop - I have missed shopping!

Kitty completed her 10k run yesterday in 1 hour 15 minutes - well done her. I am very proud of her.

Today I am going slow - recovering from a busy day yesterday and aware that my blood is low. Tomorrow will be busy - ultrasound and mammogram at 9.00, appointment with both consultants at 10.00, ultrasound in dialysis and then possible use of my fistula at dialysis at 12.30 ish. Hopefully home by 6 - a long day! Please pray for wisdom for the Drs as they decide on surgery etc... and that the fistula works first time and that I cope with all the business of the day. I am so glad to be getting on with the treatment and very grateful I won't have to have chemo again for at least a while.

Dialysis yesterday was fine, Paul popped in between prayer meetings. I have finished the first DVD of Little House on the Prairie. It reminded me of childhood days watching it. My blood test showed that my haemoglobin is now very low so I will need a transfusion next week. I am hoping to hold out until Thursday as Tuesday is rather busy! Victoria ward are on standby in case I need one urgently though. So I will puff around for the next few days!

Today I am hoping to go to church and then we are taking my wheelchair for a visit to Wisley. We are hoping for a dry day.

I am so thankful to be able to take each day one step at a time. I'm not frightened or anxious but just trusting. That is not because I am 'wonderful' or 'brave' or 'courageous' as many of you have suggested but because of God's work in me. It is amazing to be able to tell you that when awful things happen you don't need to be afraid or anxious that you can be trusting of a Father who loves us and wants the best for us. He is faithful and trustworthy.

I am also so thankful for you all praying especially this week when I saw the consultant and praying that I would manage last nights 'pink party' which was good fun. It was lovely being with the girlies and eating pink food - yummy. I was really glad not to be sick last night.

I am thankful for your prayers for my family as we hold on by our finger nails at times. It is so hard to watch someone you love hurting.

This week brings many things -

• injections for white cell production
• ultrasound and mammogram
• meeting with consultants and decisions about surgery
• ultrasound to check fistula and first use of fistula if everything is ok
• pink Friday at school

I would appreciate your prayers that we make wise decisions together.

Thank you for your questions about Chloe's exam. It went well, as did her results for her placement so that is one tick in the box. She has gone to Cornwall for the weekend and then comes back for a week in a GP's surgery. Then home for the weekend - yippee!

Well it's Friday again and another week done. I am very grateful to have had my last chemo. I was very sick yesterday evening and in the night. Feeling better this morning. Grateful for new days. I am hoping to go out this evening to a 'pink evening' with the girlies. Hoping the sickness lifts for that. I am so looking forward to going out and enjoying food again. Only a few weeks and hopefully I will feel much better.

Chloe has an exam today and then a weekend in Cornwall. She will then have finished her first placement. She will be spending next week with a GP and then 6 weeks of Psychiatry.

I am aware how hard this journey is on all the family. It seems such a long time since we had normality. Maybe I can glimpse a bit of the new normal around the corner

I am very sorry that I am not replying to emails at the moment. I can receive them but am unable to reply to them. We are still using the dongle but hoping to be reconnected next week.

It has been such a long time.

Quite a long day at chemo yesterday arrived at 8.30 and left at 12.00 but it is done. No more chemo for now - yippee. Next weeks plan is now to have an ultrasound and mammogram at 9.00 on Tuesday and to see the 2 consultants at 10. and then dialysis in the afternoon possibly using fistula. It will be a busy day. But after that we will have the new plan sorted.

I was sick last night but not too bad. Glad to be thinking that in 2 weeks I will begin the recovery from chemo.

Today Paul is in London and I have friends taking and picking me up from dialysis. Looking forward to that. I am hoping to manage an evening out tomorrow at a pink evening for breast cancer awareness with the girlies.Thinking of decorating my bucket in pink!!!! My sister Kit is running on Sunday in a 10k run for cancer research. I am grateful for everyone involved for raising awareness of these issues and the importance of research into treatments which improve the outcome for so many of us.

OK so we have a plan. Today will be my last chemo for now. On Monday I will have an ultrasound(hopefully) and on Tuesday I will see the oncologist and surgeon together. The new plan is to have the 6th chemo today and then to have surgery in the next 6 weeks. The drug that I might have had will take quite a while to organise as the funding is complicated. We will still apply for it so that if necessary I can have it after I have had surgery and radiotherapy. This means by Christmas I will have had chemo and surgery and depending on healing I may have started radiotherapy. Yippee! I was very relieved yesterday to know that the chemo will be finished after today. The dietician will be pleased too as he was beginning to discuss the need for me to be tube fed if I continue to loose weight - yucky!!!

I also saw the renal consultant who is very pleased with how the dialysis is going. We discussed my blood pressure and she took it in my arm and leg and it showed a huge difference in measurements. The reassuring thing about that is that my arm measurement shows that my blood pressure is in a normal range. She checked my fistula and decided that we may be able to start using it next week after an ultrasound to check its position. I also asked about the possibility of my kidneys recovering. She feels that as I have been on dialysis for nearly 5 months now the chance of recovery is very unlikely. I think it would take a miracle now. So after a few tears and a few deep breaths we get on with life in its new form trusting that God is in charge.

Thank you for your prayers and your emails, texts etc.... I couldn't manage without my wonderful backing team.

Well today is the day for a new plan - hopefully. Thank you for your messages I appreciate them all. I should see 2 consultants today - renal and oncology. I see the renal consultant while having dialysis and hopefully we will chat about my BP. At the moment I think we could guess my bp better than the results from my leg. The oncology appointment is after dialysis and hopefully we will come up with a plan which isn't too difficult!

I had a wonderful day yesterday with my friend we talked for hours! Catching up on 5 years of news and putting the world to rights!

Today I spend dialysis with my lovely friend D. Hopefully we will manage to complete a game of chequers as last time I was poorly.

So today brings no dialysis and my friend for lunch. I am so looking forward to seeing her. We have years to catch up on!!!

Yesterday was lovely. Church was good - lovely seeing some friends who are off to Nigeria soon and meeting their new baby. Chloe cooked a lovely lunch which I managed to eat well. We then went to the quilt show which was wonderful - very inspiring. Most of them too hard for me but it inspired me to try new things. We had a lovely time looking and choosing material - all beautifully arranged. It is lovely to have time to 'craft' now, something I had little time for before.

Please keep praying for tomorrow's meeting with oncologist. I need a new plan!!!

Yesterday was lovely although we had an unexpected visit to A&E to see Joy who had hurt her arm. She is ok just bruised and very sore.

Dialysis went well and quickly as we chatted and played chequers. It was lovely to see Kit and Chloe and catch up on news. Strictly was wonderful - it is good to watch it with others.

Today holds a busy day. Church first, then roast cooked by Chloe and then a quilting show with C. I am really looking forward to the day with Chloe.

I am also really looking forward to tomorrow when a friend is coming to visit who I haven't seen for a very long time. We have so much to catch up on.

I have so much to be grateful for.

I am thankful for new days and looking forward to this day. Chloe, Kit and Strictly (hope we get back in time as it is on quite early). Chloe is looking forward to seeing the new machines in action - hope dialysis nurses are ready for her questions.

Bible study was great yesterday - it is wonderful to have such a supportive group of ladies to meet with. We are using study books about church and it has raised lots of questions and got us thinking about what is church and what is its purpose.

I now have a lift from dialysis on Thursday but I am still needing a lift to dialysis at about 11.30.

Please can you be praying for my meeting with the oncologist on Tuesday. Hopefully he will have some more information about the next drug I might have and whether it can be funded. I have found this chemo harder to cope with this time and would quite like to stop chemo but know that I need to do what he suggests is the best plan. I am not looking forward to another 3/ 4 months of chemo. That feels like a long time. We shall see. As ever I like a plan!!!

Hope you all have great weekends planned and will enjoy the sunshine.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Sisters, daughter and Strictly. Bible study with the girlies this afternoon. All good.

Thankfully dialysis was fine yesterday and it was lovely catching up with a friend who popped into see me.

Paul has gone up to London for the day today. He is looking forward to an opera rehearsal and a ballet this evening. I am hoping to tidy a bit this morning. This remains an area of frustration as I so want to be able to have the energy to look after my own home.

We are looking for lifts next Thursday for dialysis. I will need someone at about 11.30 to take me to the hospital and about 4.30 to pick me up. Please let me know if you can help. Thank you.

Glad to be feeling less sick now. My coffee this morning tasted like coffee - yippee!

Chloe and I had a lovely morning yesterday with C (my patchwork friend). She helped me to sew on the wadding for my cushion. I now have to quilt the cushion. It is going to look wonderful when I have finished. It will be a 'forever' cushion as it has had so much work put into it. I have told Chloe to look after it for ever!!!! Chloe is making a quilt which is also going to look wonderful. When you see the amount of work that goes into quilts you can see why they are so special. We are both loving it.

It is lovely to see the sunshine again today as I look out of my window. Thank you for the emails and messages you have sent reminding me to keep going! I am OK, still cheerful most days although this has been a bit of a tough couple of weeks. I am still finding joy in each day and I am so grateful to family and friends who keep me going. I went to housegroup last night which was lovely and I am so grateful for their support and love. It was the first time I have been out in the evening for ages.

My school have decided to support the breast cancer awareness campaign by dressing in pink on 22nd October. It is wonderful to be so supported by work.

I am really looking forward to the weekend - Kitty, Chloe and Strictly - yippee. Today dialysis on my own with my kindle, knitting and the commonwealth games I should be OK!

I am looking forward to today - no dialysis and coffee with my patchwork friend and Chloe. She is going back today and will come back on Saturday to see Kit. I love having her home.

Dialysis yesterday was a bit up and down. My BP dropped suddenly and I felt yucky and sick. Thankfully it was quickly sorted. It continues to be difficult to work out how much fluid to remove as my weight continues to drop. Thankfully I am feeling less sick and eating a bit better.

I have finished my book 'God on mute' I am now trying to think through the things that it had to say. It has been very helpful in my thinking and my understanding.

Not sure what to write today. I am feeling like I am getting repetitive as my life is following a sort of pattern. But I continue to need your prayers. Ben continues to find life hard and we would value you praying that we are wise parents in our decisions and our words. It is so hard to see him hurting and be unable to help. Chloe has come home for a couple of days to help out which is wonderful. Sometimes I feel we are a family clinging on by our finger tips and other times we seem to be coping so well! We are still laughing lots which is good.

Today I have dialysis with a friend and I am going to teach her how to play Chinese chequers. I love playing although I struggle to win! I have started knitting a jumper for myself which will be great if I mange to finish it. I will keep you posted on its progress. It is great that my fingers are so much better that I can manage to knit more than a row at a time.

I need to go now as my man is here for the dongle!

Quite a difficult weekend in many ways. I am coming to the end of my book 'God on mute' and feel I am being challenged to keep holding on despite all that is happening around and to me. Thankfully God doesn't change despite everything else changing.

I am glad to say that I am feeling less sick today - hopefully I am coming to the end of the sickness for this chemo. It has been harder to cope with this time and I am eating very little.

This week holds visits from friends, patchwork, knitting,reading, bible study, Commonwealth games, Strictly, blood tests, dialysis and ends with Chloe and Kit at the weekend. I am aware that my haemoglobin is dropping again so I will be taking everything slowly until I can have a blood transfusion probably next week. Hopefully my white cell count is picking up so I am less vulnerable to germs.

Dialysis fine with Josh yesterday. Lovely to have time to chat. He is loving his job which is wonderful and a real answer to prayer. I am quite proud of my boy.

Strictly was wonderful last night although I wanted it to go on for longer. I had a sick evening after dialysis and felt quite yucky. I feel a bit better this morning but still not quite right. I am going to stay at home this morning as my blood count is low and I don't want to risk colds etc.... Although thankfully I seem to have managed to not get Ben or Paul's colds.

The weather outside is yucky so I am grateful for my warm house and cosy nest!

Josh is home -hurrah. It was lovely to have him home last night. We watched Strictly together tucked up in bed - yummy. This morning Paul is making cooked breakfast. Wish that was going to be yummy! Still struggling with everything tasting yuck. Woke a couple of times in the night with pain in my back from the injections for my white cells but thankfully paracetamol sorted it. Thank you for your prayers about that girlies.

Yesterday was a happy day. I am feeling much less grumpy again. I enjoyed bible study. It is such a joy to share your life with others and for them to share theirs.

I am 'enjoying' ( not sure that is the right word for a book on suffering) my book called 'God on Mute' It is reflecting what my experience has been and what my understanding of suffering is. It covers so many areas understanding how difficult it is to face unanswered prayers.

I am now noticing that my eyebrows are falling out. Luckily as I am fair it isn't very noticeable to others. Soon I won't have any hair on my body anywhere - saves money on haircuts and time from shaving. There have to be some advantages!!!!

Dialysis today with Josh. Looking forward to chatting with him. And more strictly tonight yippee hope I am back from dialysis in time. Do you think I can tell them I have an important date with the TV ?

So it's Friday again - how did that happen? This week has gone so quickly. I am enjoying the signs of Autumn and grateful for the sunshine yesterday. Grateful for my warm house and especially for my new electric blanket- why have I not had one before? It's good my grumpy mood of yesterday has gone.

Josh comes home for the weekend - yippee! We also have bible study here today. I am looking forward to spending time with the girlies. And best of all STRICTLY starts!

I am reading a book 'God on Mute' and this morning I was reminded that Jesus knows my pain - he understands where I am coming from. He knows the anguish of facing death and asked God to take it away. If he can be so honest then so can I. I love my life and want to live. I want to be there for all those moments in my childrens lives. All you Mums and Dads will know what I mean. So I continue with treatment and battle with side effects and trust that the Creator of the world has the best plan for us all.