I loved the wedding yesterday and cried throughout! Anyone who knows me well will know I cry at the tiniest things - so no surprises then. I am thinking I am going to need a large handbag for Josh's wedding - to hold the tissues! It was a very beautiful wedding and they looked so happy. It has made me even more excited for our wedding - if that was possible!

I am so tired at the moment - I am sleeping ok but still wake exhausted. This is due to chemo and very low blood count. I am hoping they have arranged for a blood transfusion today. I did ask them to cross match my blood so hopefully they will have sorted it out. This should really help along with the chemo slowly leaving my body and recovering from its effects.

Today is Paul's birthday - Happy Birthday my lovely husband. We are hoping to go out to lunch with Joy and Matt tomorrow - it is also Matt's birthday today. Happy Birthday lovely brother-in-law.

Today dialysis - hopefully all fine like Thursday. It is my last time with Chloe for a while. We are hoping to play games today. It has been lovely having her home for 12 days. I will miss her loads when she goes back tomorrow.

I am very excited about the practice wedding today! Already enjoying seeing all the outfits especially having chosen mine this week. I had a really lovely time with my personal shopper. It was a fun experience and very helpful. I am now the proud owner of a dress, jacket and the most beautiful hat. Just shoes and a bag to buy. For those of you interested the dress is green and turquoise and the hat is cream. Chloe and I had a lovely time. I was so grateful to be able to cope with all the trying on etc....

Yesterdays dialysis was much better - I used 2 needles for the first time for ages and I didn't bleed for too long. My blood pressure did dip but I managed to control it. Hurrah!

I am looking forward to watching the wedding today - glad no dialysis!

Just a quick note today to say all fine - had a lovely day yesterday more details to follow. Just off to dialysis early today as Paul has to fit in meetings.

Over the last few days I have been thinking a lot about what Jesus did on the cross - he did away with the sting of death, he showed us victory over death, that death no longer has power over us. But it still frightens us or me. I love my life here and I don't want to leave it. But the amazing thing is that God has gone before us and prepared a place for us which will be better than anything we have here. Its just that we can't imagine that. Death still feels so final but the bible promises so much more. I am learning to love my life but to know that God is preparing a place for me in heaven where there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more dialysis!!!! I am hoping however that it won't be ready for me too soon!

Yesterdays dialysis was yuck again - the nurses are thinking that it is the combination of hot weather, chemo and dialysis mixed together which means that I drop my blood pressure. It is becoming a regular occurrence and is quite horrible. I would like it to stop! Needling wasn't too successful either so we used 1 needle 1 line. Mmmmmmm I would really like this to be sorted.

Today - I am going to have a personal shopper in John Lewis and I am hoping to find something to wear for Josh and Debz wedding. I am hoping to have enough energy to really enjoy it. Chloe is coming with me and we are both looking forward to it.

My lovely husband has just made me pancakes to start my day - yummy.

What a lovely weekend. And it went so quickly. The house was full and it shows today! There is mess everywhere. Ben is back to school for his last half term before exams. Josh has gone back to work with just over 2 months until his wedding. Chloe is still in bed sleeping!

Yesterday was a lovely quiet day - I spent the afternoon in the garden reading and chatting with Debz and Josh. Paul and Chloe had a lovely time in London.

We have applied for tickets for the Olympics - I so hope we get some of the ones we have applied for.

Today dialysis - yuck. I am feeling I have done enough dialysis now. Maybe I could play a different game!

Yesterday was a really lovely, exhausting day. Church was great - lovely to see everybody. Then very yummy lunch - sitting outside in the sunshine. I managed a nap before going to Joy and Matts for more yummy food and sitting outside. How lucky we have been with the weather recently. I came home and went to bed falling asleep almost as soon as Lewis started!!!!

Today - Paul and Chloe are going to the ballet in London- so wishing I was going too. However I am at home with the boys. We are applying for Olympic tickets which is exciting. I am so hoping we get some and that I am able to be well enough to go.

He is risen - hallelujah!

Happy Easter to you all.

Yesterdays dialysis was quite yucky. My nurse was off poorly and so a different nurse tried to needle me. She is lovely and did her best but she blew my new button hole. This meant we couldn't use it and had to use my line. Hopefully we will be able to use it next time if there isn't too much bruising. My blood pressure also went very low and I felt yuck - took quite a while to pick back up. But I didn't bleed too much so that was good. I am beginning to feel that dialysis will never settle down!

Today - church with family, roast lamb for lunch with kitty - yummy - and tea at Joy and Matts. Even lovelier is that it is Sunday but Josh and Chloe aren't going home today - yippee!

Exhausted yesterday - although happy to be surrounded by people. Ed came over and he and Chloe put up his new pop up tent in the garden. Great fun to watch and so quick. I was impressed. It brought back lots of camping memories - good and bad! Chloe then set about sewing a cutlery holder for their camping trip. Josh and Debz arrived back from choosing their present list - still together which is a good test of their relationship! We all had tea in the back garden - including Papageno who has now met our next door neighbour who wondered why she could hear tinkling in her garden. I love all this sunshine.

Today everyone is all over the place - Chloe having a BBQ in Henley, Josh trying on suits with his best men, Paul buying food to feed the troops tomorrow and me - well guess where I will be - yes you got it dialysis! I think Kitty is going to come and meet me though which will be lovely and I have got the new Harry Potter film to watch so all is good.

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of glory died,

My richest gain I count but loss,

And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,

Save in the death of Christ my God!

All the vain things that charm me most,

I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson, like a robe,

Spreads o’er His body on the tree;

Then I am dead to all the globe,

And all the globe is dead to me.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

I am so grateful to a God who loved me so much he sent his son to die for me. How can we grasp such love as this?

Glad for beautiful sunshine today. We have a house full of people and D coming tonight as well. Its a good job that none of them seem to mind the chaos and mess we are in - no tidying before they arrive as I used to do! Just come and fit in! I can't be proud any more! I love being surrounded by people.

Yesterdays dialysis went fine and I stopped bleeding quite quickly. Hurrah!

I hope you all have weekends full of family and friends.

My lovely Chloe is home for 12 days - yippee. Looking forward to spending lots of time with her - starting this morning when we are going to learn how to crochet with T. I have been trying to teach myself - not a good idea i am rubbish at it! Just make a mess!!

Chemo was fine yesterday - the clinic was VERY busy due to a problem in pharmacy and bank holidays. But I was seen promptly and had lovely care throughout. Chemo given and home again via Tesco's for pate which was urgently needed! I was sick later in the day but only once thankfully. Feeling ok this morning glad number 2 is done maybe 2 or 4 more to go!!! Not having injections for white count becasue of the pain and going to watch my blood very carefully and see. Please pray it stays OK.

Dialysis with Chloe today and maybe a film to watch.

I am looking forward to the day I can write dialysis - straightforward! Yesterday was a bit yucky again. Needling sore but fine - dropped my blood pressure half way through and was very sick. Then my blood started to clot in the tubes which raised the pressure in my fistula making it likely to blow so dialysis had to stop half an hour early. However I didn't bleed for long which was very good. Dr C came to see me as i was a long time finishing and was happy for me to have chemo today even with my cold as long as I felt I could manage. So number 2 chemo today.

I was very grumpy yesterday morning - poor Paul. I am struggling with the length of time this is all taking and just want to be able to get on with my life. I know the end is in sight but it still feels a long way off. Patience is still something I need to work on!

My girlie is home tonight for 12 days yippee! I am looking forward to spending time with her. Then at the weekend - all here. Lovely!

So - busy day today oncologist, investigations into why I bled and blood tests to see if I need a transfusion. Plus dialysis and hopefully no bleeding! I will be glad when today is done. Also hoping I can still have chemo tomorrow with a cold! Just want to get on with it. Dialysis with C which will be good as we haven't chatted for ages, so lots of putting the world to rights!

Yesterdays physio was good, she has begun to work on the muscles of my shoulder and back and I can feel the benefit when she has finished. I wish she could do it every day! I am getting less pain there now and can reach higher.

Lovely to see Josh last night if only for a couple of hours. Chloe back tomorrow evening and then a full house on Thursday with Josh and Ben's friend E coming. Every bed in the house will be in use and the sofa! I love my house being full.

Woken to a grey day but looks like most of the week will be sunny - hurrah. I love the sun. My seeds are growing well and Paul has positioned the new little green house so its all go. Growing seeds is a wonderful picture of new life and of new possibilities. Yesterday at church I saw a friend who is expecting her first baby in a week and I was reminded of the miracle of new birth - a new life full of possibilities to be anything it wants to be. I am excited for them - having children is the best thing I have ever done!

Yesterday church was good - lovely to see everyone. We then went to see lambs but unfortunately the farm we visited doesn't leave the lambs in pens they put them out in the fields and take you on an hour long walk to see them. Ho hum! I can't walk that far so we didn't see lambs. However we drove slowly past some fields and saw them. Not quite the same but lovely none the less. We then popped into see Joy and Matt who are back from New York. They had taken me(in photo form) to New York with them and had photographed me at all the sights. It looks like I had a wonderful time. I particularly loved the views form the Empire State building. They also bought me a beautiful present from a certain store in a very beautiful box. I will be wearing it all the time.

Today brings physio - soon! Then tidying and getting ready for everyone to be home at the weekend. Chloe home Wednesday evening and Josh Thursday I think. Chloe has an exciting 3 days first - surgery. She is really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to a full house again.

Chemo on Wednesday - all being well. Please pray I cope with it well and that my cold doesn't prevent me from having it. It isn't a bad cold - just snuffles and a cough. Also please can you pray that I don't bleed for a long time tomorrow as I have an appointment straight after dialysis.

Yesterdays dialysis ended in a yucky way. I bled for 2 1/2 hours. I thought I was never going to stop. I went through 4 nurses holding my arm trying to stop the bleeding. They tried all sorts of drugs and special seaweed and every time they removed the gauze my blood pumped out. It feels quite yucky to have your blood pumping out of your arm even for a fraction of a second. In the end they contacted the duty SHO who when told I was bleeding from a fistula said 'what's a fistula' and didn't know where the ward was. This didn't fill me or my fistula with hope so it decided to stop bleeding before she arrived! I felt like I had been pulled through a ringer! They were threatening me with being admitted if it didn't stop and I really don't like hospitals at night. Thankfully I stopped eventually. They are going to try and investigate why that happened on Tuesday. I was very glad Paul was with me.

Today church and we are hoping to go and see some lambs - all being well.

My lovely older son appears to have shared his cold with me - how kind! Hoping that as my blood count is ok it won't be too bad. Not keen this early in my chemo to have antibiotics.

Good day yesterday - I had my head shaved and I now look and feel like a hedgehog! But it is much better than it was. We also went to the garden centre for lunch and a pootle. We bought a little green house and some plants. My seeds are beginning to sprout which is very exciting. I so love spring.

Papageno frightened us by climbing up onto next doors roof. He was so high up and started chasing bugs - I was particularly concerned as it was evening and I could imagine us not being able to get him down in the dark. He did eventually come and I think he was relieved to be able to get down. It is scary having a cat.

Today a little visit to M&S and then dialysis.

Right here today is where I am supposed to be - this is God's plan for my life right now and I am learning to be content. Not trying to be somewhere else but content right here in this moment. It is a hard learning curve but I am getting there. Not struggling for anything more than what God has for me this day. He gives us so many gifts in each day why should I struggle for more?

Buttonholing went quite well yesterday - bottom one sore but the top new one was great. They are really pushing for me to have my lines out very soon - the consultant is worried about infection. So that may happen in 2 weeks - all being well.

Today - hairdressers to sort out my hair. I have got out all my scarves and hats again. At least the weather is warmer so my head won't get so cold .

Josh arrived home last night. It was lovely to chat with him and catch up with his news and hear all about the marathon. He seems to have recovered well with no lasting damage! He is off for the weekend with Debz and her family.

Sitting in bed last night I realised that my hair was coming out in clumps. So Paul returned from a meeting and I asked him to shave my head - none of the chicken hair this time. Shaving hair is easier said than done! I am now the 'proud' owner of a very random hair style- some cut, some shaved and some long!!! mmmmm I intend to visit the hairdressers to get them to sort it out tomorrow. In the mean time I will be wearing a scarf!

Yesterday was a peaceful day. Paul managed to fit new flooring in the bathroom - at last - hurrah! It looks great - he did a very good job. I think he is better at flooring than hairdressing!

Today dialysis with G and using my new button hole.

Chloe assisted in her first surgery yesterday - she loved it. It is wonderful to hear her so excited about her work. What a joy to have children who love what they do.

I watched 'My Sisters Keeper' yesterday - with lots of tears. I am so grateful it is me that is ill and not one of my children. That must be unbearable.

Josh is home this evening before going to Centre Parcs tomorrow with Debz's family. Wish I was going with them.

I am loving having my youngest chick at home for the holidays. It is great to have him chatting away to me. Just like the old days!

Yesterday went well and I am now the proud owner of a new button hole. Thankfully it is another button hole near the surface so hopefully it won't be so painful as the old one. I also saw the consultant to have a review of my treatment. She is pleased with the dialysis and says it is going well (she can tell that by my blood results). This is good news as it means I don't need to adjust my diet too much yet. I am thankful for that as I still enjoy the occasional banana and tomatoes. My chest x-ray has shown that my heart has increased in size and there is nothing we can do about that except prevent any more damage if possible.

Not sure what today holds - but at least it doesn't hold hospitals!

Lovely day yesterday - sunshine all the way. My physio was back and it was lovely to see her. She commented on how well i looked and noticed that I had put on weight since she last saw me. She also felt that my shoulder is improving - it is hard for me to notice as I still see all that I can't do!

I managed to sow my seeds which I am really glad to do. I look forward to seeing them poke through the soil and begin life. How exciting!

I also did a bit of cooking which was great. I love being able to feed my family and I really miss being able to do it all the time. It is what proper Mummies do!

I am enjoying this chemo free week without too many side effects. My fingers feel better, the flu like symptoms are gone, just very tired. No sickness still which is wonderful - hoping that will continue the whole way through.

Today - new button hole and maybe a chat with consultant to review tablets.

Glad for sunny days, friends and family.

What a lovely weekend that ended much too quickly. I am very proud of my boy for completing the Brighton marathon in 3 hours and 50 minutes. A very good time for a first marathon and with a poorly foot. I wish I had been able to be there and see him run. I hope he is Ok this morning - I expect he will be achy!

Today physio - my physio is back from sick leave - I hope! I am also hoping to plant seeds which I didn't manage last week. It looks like it is the last day of sunshine so I will try and make the most of it.

Tomorrow - new button hole. Not looking forward to that but hey ho once it is done hopefully they will then settle down and eventually my Tess lines will be able to come out. I really want those out by Josh's wedding.

My boy has done it - a whole marathon in 3 hours 50 minutes wow!

I am so proud of him - especially as he hasn't been able to run for the last 2 weeks as he had hurt his foot. We are made of tough stuff!!!!!

Thank you to everyone who sponsored him - the money goes towards changing lives in the future.

We had such a lovely time at Talia's party yesterday. I was so glad to be able to go. It was great to see lots of family and friends. I managed nearly the whole thing - hurrah! It was especially lovely to be able to sit outside.

Today I am taking it easy - hoping to spend a bit of time outside watching Papageno loving the garden. He really enjoys it outside and he happily has his collar put on before he goes out. He still hasn't left the garden and we aren't looking forward to him venturing too far. How soppy are we!!!

I am still very tired but not feeling sick and glad I am no longer in pain.

So today in dialysis at 8 am. Feels strange to be here so early. This afternoon is Talia's party which I am looking forward to. Also really happy to see the sunshine.

Today is my beautiful niece's 18th birthday. I can't quite believe she is 18. It seems no time at all since she was playing at my house and scared of 'nakes!!!! Familys are so precious aren't they.

Yesterday was a good day - my pain was much less and I managed to go to the farmers market with Kitty. It is SO good to do other things on dialysis days. The sickness lingers but is not too bad.

Today ladies who lunch. I am looking forward to chatting with everyone. Chloe home this evening. And tomorrow - early dialysis at 8am followed by a sleep and then T's birthday party. I hope I have enough energy to cope.

This has been a tough week. Lots of pain and I don't do pain!!!! I am very grateful that mostly throughout this journey I haven't been in pain until now. The last few days I have been in pain almost constantly and the pain killers I have been taking haven't made any difference. However I have woken this morning to vague aches and pains rather than awful pain which is good. Unfortunately I have also been sick - hope this is not the start of sickness from chemo rather a random sickness! Papageno and I had our nightly meeting in the bathroom. He was very very sleepy and stayed in his basket for ages. Yesterday he had another little visit outside which he loved. Still looking for a collar which he will actually wear!

Today Kitty is coming. Hoping to visit the farmers market and then dialysis. Lines today so should be OK.

Very yucky night. Lots of pain from my back which I think is due to the injections to increase my white cells. Papageno enjoys seeing me at night and we have a lovely chat. Having a bath makes such a difference.

I am very happy to see the sunshine. I am hoping to plant seeds today. Maybe with Papageno - we are really struggling to let him go outside - we are soppy!!!! It doesn't help that every time the next doors cat sees him he hisses. He looks like he enjoys a good fight.

At dialysis yesterday they scanned my arm and can't see a blockage so not sure what is happening. Next week they will make a new buttonhole. In the mean time they will use my lines.

My posts recently seem to be so centered on me and illness but I do occasionally have a life outside of illness! Although it does take up most of my thinking time. So today - no illness talk.

Yesterday I tided a bit which felt good. I got rid of a few piles - still many to go! Paul bought a collar for Papageno - mmmmm wasn't Papageno's plan to wear a collar. To begin with it had a bell which he hated so Paul removed the bell. All was well for 2 minutes and then Papageno lept into the air and scratched at his neck and there was the collar on the floor. He then proceeded to pick it up in his mouth and carried it across the room where he deposited it in disgust. Don't think we are going to have a collar wearing cat!

Today I am going later to dialysis so I am going shopping first. Paul is taking me into Wokingham and going to leave me all alone to shop - yippee! We have back up plans in case I can't manage - he will have his phone on at at the gym, there are many coffee shops to sit in and the car will be in the carpark if necessary. I am looking forward to a bit of browsing. One of the big things I so miss in this new life I have.

(Although this is a no illness post just to let you know I am OK still no sickness and just aching and numb fingers. Thank you for your ongoing prayers.)

Papageno was very surprised to see me at 3.00am! It is the first time I have seen him fast asleep in his basket. We put him in the bathroom at night time as he is such a pickle. However last night I was feeling very flu like with aching bones so I had a bath. He was very excited to be able to play with me in the night and happily went back in his basket when I left him. A combination of paracetamol and a bath seems to help. Day 6 today so hopefully my bones should start to feel better soon.

Early visit this morning to see GP for a check of my drugs and then coffee with a friend later. I need to paint my nails today as well as I forgot to ask Chloe to do it when she was here. That will be interesting with numb finger tips! This is to try and prevent my nails from falling off.

Yesterdays slow day was just what I needed. Feeling better for it today.

So thankful for new days feeling better this morning. Still flu like and no ends to my fingers (typing is interesting) but ok. I will take today slowly and hopefully feel even better tomorrow. I hope they can sort out my fistula this week. Still very glad not to be sick. Also very glad to see the sunshine.

Happy Mothers day to all mums.

What a mixed day. Really lovely time at the ladies breakfast with a great speaker, great company and lovely food. Then really rubbish dialysis. needling went very well but the pressure in my arterial button hole was much too high and in the end after trying lots of different things we used a line and a needle and I only had 3 hours of dialysis. I spent much of the time in pain from indigestion which was probably caused by chemo. Then I bled for 1and 1/2 hours. All in all a rubbish session. So now I will have to go to have a fistulagram to see what is happening in my fistula. We will also start a new button hole to replace the bottom one. Very Ho Hum!!!!

From a chemo point of view it is OK. I haven't been sick which is brilliant. I have numb ends to my fingers and I feel like I have flu but it is better than being sick all the time.

I am feeling slightly despondent as this all feels like such hard work. Tomorrow a quiet day I think.

All went well yesterday - needling was good, dialysis fine and no sickness. My joints are aching and my mouth is getting sore but no sickness - yippee! Dialysis went very quickly as T and I caught up on news.

Today - coffee with a friend, ladies who lunch and bible study and then Chloe home. A lovely day.

Tomorrow I am hoping to go to a ladies breakfast so may not post until tomorrow evening.