5 keys to contentment

Our house has been a very quiet place over the last 4 days. Ben is in Birmingham with Anna and of course Chloe went back to Kent on Friday. I have spent most of the time in bed and I am feeling better for the rest. I did manage the hoovering yesterday and was getting on quite well until the hoover broke! I don't think it liked the quantity of dust it had to hoover up! The hardest thing has been to get my head around the creeping back of the RA. I have been so fortunate to have had very little pain over the last 4 years once the drug kicked in and stopped the progression of the disease. Even my mastectomy was coped with just on paracetamol. I think this maybe another learning curve on my adventures with contentment. It is so much easier to be content when everything is going well - how much harder when life doesn't go our way! 

Interestingly the Mayo Clinic suggests the following for finding contentment 

• Invest in relationships
• Express gratitude
• Cultivate optimism 
• Find your purpose
• Live in the moment. 

Obviously for me I would add invest in your spiritual relationship with God.  Spend time in prayer and praise to the creator of the world. This is all wise advice and interestingly is what I think I have been learning in the past 4 years although I haven't put it so eloquently. 

So  today is a new day - a new sunny day. So I will venture outside (K - I will have a dose of vitamin D), finish the hoovering (my wonderful man has mended it) and cook a comforting casserole for tea.I will be thankful for all that I can do and live in today trying not to be concerned for tomorrow for it will have enough cares of its own.

I don't know all the answers......

‘I don't have to know all the answers. I just have to know that God knows, that he's good and that he loves me.’ Rick Warren – Pastor of Saddleback Church

I needed to hear this today. I am still struggling with feeling unwell after last week. I am also struggling with more pain in my hands and feet and we are beginning to wonder whether the rheumatoid (RA) part of my autoimmune is creeping back. This would explain why my evenings have been getting worse recently. It is so hard to describe the tiredness that comes with RA – it is like having the early symptoms of flu where every bone aches and everything takes too much energy, along with a general feeling of nausea which leads to sickness if I don’t rest. I have a GP appointment next week and I will ask her to refer me back to see my rheumatolgy consultant. So we shall see. It may mean I need to go back on methotrexate to stop the damage to my joints. Although we will have to check that with the renal team so that we don’t damage my kidneys any further. As ever nothing is simple with me! Pain killers are also tricky as I can’t take many usual tablets without causing problems for my kidneys. Thankfully paracetamol are ok.

It is easy to slip into self pity – poor me! But I need to go back to what Rick says – God knows, he’s good and he loves me. I need to listen to that.

Wedding planning

A whole week of no blogging - did you miss me? The week has been as I expected - wonderful and exhausting! But as hoped we have the outlines of a wedding. It was SO lovely to spend the time with my girlie after the longest time we have ever spent apart. We have now talked almost solidly for 4 days! So many words and still I feel like I didn't ask everything! Her new life is so busy both with work and friends. We have booked in 2 weekends between now and Christmas so at least we will see them soon. 

I will give you a little flavour of our week without any details! I am trying hard not to talk too much about the wedding as I do feel it is Chloe and Ed's news and they should be the ones telling people. So this week we have: 

• met with flower arranger 
• met with cake maker 
• organised the marquee and decided what would go in the marquee(who could have guessed there was so much to decide about a marquee)
• emailed photographers and caterers 
• decided on colours 
• decided on general design of bridesmaids dresses 
• met with Ed's mum and chatted about all things wedding and bridesmaids
• tried on wedding dress (thankfully Chloe still loved it) and chose accessories
• bought some material 
• discussed many little details without deciding much!

We also managed to watch a film, go to a craft fair, go clothes shopping, made macaroons, looked at holiday photos, caught up on A&E news and pysch.......

And bought my outfit! Which I can tell you about. Unexpectedly the bridal shop had a sale of mother of the bride outfits left over from when they had a shop. I had already decided what colour I wanted and they happened to have a beautiful dress and jacket in my size in that colour at a very reduced price. I ummed and ahhhed  over it as I had thought I would buy it in the Spring but decided in the end to go for it. It needed adjusting and a wonderful seamstress came in on her day off to see if she could make the changes to the neck line that needed doing. So it has gone off to be adjusted and then I will decide whether I need a new hat or will use my beautiful hat I already have. It is a sparkly dress and I love it and Chloe loved it. Amazing!

So as you can imagine this weekend I am recovering! Chloe has gone home for a packed weekend with friends from Southampton. I am wishing I had her energy!

This is not our home

Brilliant day yesterday at The London Women’s Convention. Great teaching and wonderful singing God’s praises with 1,500 women. We were reminded that although we live here and now – this is not our home. And that truth should change how I live in the here and now. God calls us to do ordinary things in an extraordinary way. It was good to be reminded that following Jesus doesn’t protect us from trials and sufferings but we can trust that he always has a plan and that plan will be carried out. Nothings is outside the sovereign purposes of God – NOTHING. How easy it can be when trails come to turn our back on God instead of persevering. A session on prayer reminded us that it is good to get into habits because then when it gets tough (and it will) we are already in good prayer habits so that we will automatically pray. In the last session she reminded us that we don’t need to be fearful of the future – we know where we are going.

Never alone, is now our cry

In joy, in grief, in lonely sin

Never alone, for Christ is ours,

He lives in us, we live in him.

And ‘til we reach that final day

When fears are gone, cast far away

We’ll live secure, trust in his love,

Never alone, Christ is with us, He’s with us.

This week – wedding planning. Chloe comes home on Tuesday morning and that gives us 4 days to plan before she goes back. Hopefully by next weekend we will have the bones of a wedding! Then Chloe and Ed can add all the ‘detail’. It is starting to feel quite real.

You raise me up.

Maybe this is more it? 

Blake, Camillia & Choir sing You Raise Me Up 15th Oct ... - YouTube

 This is a choir  who have all been touched by breast cancer - many themselves breast cancer sufferers joined by Camilla (whose mum has breast cancer) and Blake. The song itself resonates with me - I couldn't have travelled this journey without the strong support of family and friends and I am still aware my life is so much more because I am surrounded by wonderful people. It is interesting to note too that there has been research done which shows that singing is very good for recovery - opening up the lungs etc..... Shame it is so difficult for me.

My first batch of blood tests are back and show stable kidneys - which is great after 5 months of no blood tests. Good too that my phosphates and potassium are stable despite a nearly normal diet.

Busy few days ahead - pilates today, book-club this evening, bible-study tomorrow and women's conference in London on Saturday. Rest day on Sunday and then  a week of wedding prep with my girlie - yippee!

Thank you T for sharing.

God hath not promised skies always blue,

 

Life continues on it's busy course. Lovely Saturday watching Strictly with my 2 sisters. I am so glad to have sisters to do life with. As you can imagine we chatted and chatted. Sunday - lovely  day with Josh and Debs. This week - coffee at school, Cameo with the lovely older ladies and gentlemen, tutoring, coffee with friends, swimming, Pilates, blood tests, flowers, biblestudy, book club, and on Saturday a Women's conference in London, followed by a rest day on Sunday and Monday before Chloe arrives for our 4 day wedding planning meeting! Life is full! 

Yesterday I heard of a lovely lady who has just been diagnosed with a second breast cancer with spread to her bones 10 years after her first. That feels so unfair. To be clear for 10 years and then have to face it all again with bone secondaries as well. This is just a reminder that a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment is a life long diagnosis. My thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

From my window here in my bedroom I am watching the skies turn from grey to light blue with promise of a brighter day. I am enjoying the cosy evenings (we even had a fire on Sunday) but the rain is hard work. The bluer sky reminds me that all seasons have their good and bad points and we can delight in the changes of seasons looking for the good parts and not dwelling on the bad. Maybe the same in life there are many ups and downs but we need to delight in the good and not dwell on the bad.

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

Pink October

October is breast cancer awareness month and many, many things turn pink in October. Coffee mornings are held where everyone wears pink, people walk wearing pink clothing and many people buy pink items. Much money is raised and because of that hopefully many, many women in the future will not die from this horrible disease and hopefully treatments will become more bearable. However since having breast cancer I am much more aware of a band of breast cancer sufferers who find the ‘pink’ of breast cancer awareness month too hard to take. Breast cancer is ‘rubbish’ there is nothing pick or fluffy about it. It transforms lives and robs many women of their femininity and for some it takes away their future. For those facing the pain, suffering and fear of secondaries there is nothing ‘pink’ about it. Please don’t misunderstand me I am NOT saying that these events shouldn’t take place or that vital money should not be raised just understand that for some women the ‘pinkness’ of it all is too much to cope with. If you do ‘go pink’ in October make sure that the money you raise goes to a reputable research charity. And don’t expect that all breast cancer sufferers/ survivors will want to join in your pink party! Just for your information I am happy to eat pink cakes and wear pink for coffee mornings!

Choosing joy!

Paul was reminding me yesterday - that joy is a choice. I can choose to be miserable and focus on all the things which are wrong or I can focus on my many blessings. How easy it is to be drawn into moaning and groaning especially when life is hard or when you feel unwell. But joy is a choice. 

So today I choose to find joy in.....

• the beautiful sunshine 
• the golden leaves
• my family
• my pussy cat
• my warm home
• my wonderful friends
• pilates
• being loved by the creator of the world
• strictly
• twinkly lights
• frothy coffee
• peace that passes all understanding 
• Soggy the cat (new books Paul has bought me based in St Ives) 
• soft hand cream
• bulb planting for winter colour 
• Downton
• The Great British Bake Off 
• Books 
• my patchwork quilt Chloe made me 
• photos of holidays 
• House 

So many wonderful things. When you focus on joy even when life is hard everything feels better. I wonder what your lists would look like? Do let me know. 

All is well - I have a list!

Sorry for my absence from here. We had a lovely quiet weekend, out for Sunday lunch and some rose buying on Sunday, and bits and bobs on Saturday. Monday spent with Joy sorting photos and then I was very poorly in the night. I still get these random bouts of sickness - who knows why which leaves me feeling quite ill. Maybe to remind me that I have a chronic illness! My kidneys really struggle when I am sick like this and that is always a bit scary. I never know if this is the thing which will knock them enough for me to need dialysis again. It is another reminder to trust. All in His hands. 

The good thing about a day in bed is that it gave me time for wedding sorting. Chloe comes home for a few days at the end of October and we have so much to sort out while she is here - it is going to be like a military exercise! We are seeing the marquee man, the cake maker, the florist, the dress maker, the bridal shop, Uncle Tom Cobbly and all! We will be weddinged  out by the end of the 4 days. All is well though I have a list!

Another quiet day today and hopefully I will be back to normal tomorrow (whatever normal is). Pilates tomorrow, bible study and coffee with a friend on Friday, Saturday Kitty is coming to stay and we will watch Strictly together, Sunday church, bookstall and Josh and Debs are coming to lunch - all lovely.

Awake at 2am

Awake at 2 am and remembering. I went to get a drink and remembered the scary nights of steroids when I would wake with a huge jolt and in a panic for no reasons. And the nights after dialysis when I would wake feeling so poorly, or the nights awake after chemo just hoping I wouldn't be sick again. Tonight I am just awake for no other reason than I am awake and I feel so grateful for my new normal life. I am settling back into routines after our holiday and enjoying normality. I am steadily busy which is great, my days filled with gentle activity along with some resting. I still have a huge ironing pile - I don't think that will ever change but I am managing to  keep the house tidy (mostly), I cook our meals from scratch and even make cakes. I have learnt not to be a perfectionist about anything and accept that there will always be things I can't do. I am managing to fit in some gentle exercise most days. I am a happy bunny! It is good to look back but even better to look forward. We are planning holidays for next year and visits to the theatre and of course we are planning a wedding (I get goosebumps just thinking about that) I continue to write lists of things I would like to do and we steadily tick them off. I have enjoyed meeting up with old friends and hope to do more of that next year. As Autumn approaches and the darker, colder evenings I am more content to snuggle up with my knitting/sewing etc... and plan for more adventures next year. My cathedral visiting hasn't done so well this year so I must try harder with that next year. I am hoping to learn to play the piano (if my wiggly fingers will let me) and I would like to do more bird watching - maybe with someone who knows about birds rather than my slightly random guessing! I am hoping to do a bit of painting this Winter to try and capture a bit of what we saw at St Ives. I am hoping to increase my walking a bit and manage 2 miles this Autumn.

I am so thankful for my life and want to capture every opportunity. Life is precious and we should never take it forgranted.

“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”

Julian of Norwich. 

Breast Cancer Research

The newspapers are frequently running news stories based on breast cancer. Some are scare stories and some are good news stories. It is hard to get away from. I am obviously drawn to them and it is hard not to let your emotions be swayed by what you read. Today there are 2 stories running.

1. No woman need die from breast cancer by 2050. Experts predict development in treatments and changes to diet will mean 95% are cured. (Daily Mail)

These are big claims for a disease more and more we are now being told not to see as curable but one that is treatable.

2. Breast Cancer ‘research gap’ warning (BBC)

This research is saying that there are 10 basic gaps in our knowledge of breast cancer and until these gaps are ‘plugged’ and particularly the knowledge of how cancer spreads then there will be little progress. In this research they mention 1.2 million women living with breast cancer by 2030 unless things change.

It is hard not to be confused! Thankfully we are living in a time of change and of research. But interestingly money given to breast cancer charities is down. Maybe because people are reading the more positive stories and believe it is now a disease that can be cured and doesn’t need the funding. Tell that to the 11,000 women who will lose their lives to breast cancer this year and the 50,000 who will be diagnosed and will have to learn to live with the disease.  There is still much to be done. Please don't stop giving or raising money.