It is so wonderful to make memories. I am putting them all into a special box in my head for possible days when I can't do things. Last night I went to South Hill Park to see Blake with my girlies. It was wonderful and we all really enjoyed it. They are great singers but also interact with their audience. They were accompanied by a girl group called The Cadbury Sisters. They had wonderful voices. We managed to chat with them afterwards. Blake all signed my friend C's wheelchair which was great fun. And I managed a late night- after 10.00!

In the morning we had church at Bearwood where our 4 churches all met together. It was great and lovely to see lots of people we haven't seen for ages. I did the prayers which was a great privilege.

Today coffee with a friend and recovering from yesterday!

Post arrived this morning with a date for my surgery - this Wednesday in Oxford! Hopefully my hospital trips will then be over for a while! It should be quite straightforward and hopefully will help my arm. I can't now get my arm in many of my jumpers, cardigans, t-shirts etc..... so have moved into yet another dress size - 18!!! I have clothes from size 8 - 18! Someone suggested I open a clothes store! My arm fits nicely into an 18 but the rest leaves room for another person! Ho hum!

Today a quiet day - Paul is off to London to the opera. Tomorrow church at Bearwood and going to see Blake at Southill Park on Sunday evening with some of the bible study ladies.

Thank you for praying for D he has been found and is now receiving treatment.

Sunshine - yippee! It is so lovely to see the sun. Everything looks better.

Today cooking, ladies who lunch and bible study. Followed by a quietish weekend.

Thursday already - how fast the weeks go. Lovely time in school yesterday. Great to catch up with people. My blood pressure was great yesterday at the GPs which means I am on the right level of drugs. So all good - just waiting to hear about date for op on my arm.

Today a quiet day - tidying, cooking, sewing, hoovering! Lovely!

Very interesting hospital day yesterday. I saw the oncologist who is very pleased with my progress and doesn't want to see me for 6 months - wow! That is a long time. We discussed my arm and he agreed that it is very difficult to know what is due to the mastectomy and node removal and what is due to the fistula. It was helpful to talk about the various issues surrounding fistula removal. I then went for a check up with the access nurse who was in a clinic with a surgeon from Oxford. He had a space and asked to see me. He was so helpful. He gave me all the information both the +ve and -ves. To cut a long story short I will have my fistula tied off in the next 2- 3 weeks. I will then have my right arm scanned to see if it would be possible(should I need it) to use it for another fistula. If it could be used then should I need dialysis I would have a fistula or a graft in that arm about 6-8 weeks before I started dialysis. Hopefully I will never need it but it will be good to know what the options are. All in all a good day.

Please be praying, a friend of Chloe's, D has been missing from his home possibly since Sunday evening. He is vulnerable and has been sad recently. Everyone is very concerned for him.

Today - GP appointment to check my BP, coffee at school and housegroup this evening.

New week begins. This week I have an oncology appointment, Gp appointment, coffee with friends, bible study, housegroup, shopping, South Hill Park to see Blake and church at Bearwood. Lovely! Hoping to also fit in a trip to school. Maybe a bit of tidying and cleaning too. A good week. A bit of a slow start this morning - sleeping is still not brilliant when I wake 3 times a night - great that my kidneys are working so well would just appreciate if they worked more in the daytime and less at night!

Hoping that you all have good weeks - nearly at the end of January - soon will be spring.

This is my 545 blog - wow! That is a lot of words and 35,000 views. Thank you for being part of my journey to this point. Who would have thought that first day 27th May when I started blogging what the next 20 months would include. I am so changed!

This is the passage that Julian (our Vicar) read to us when he came to pray

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121

How true is that the Lord has watched over my life and he hasn't slept.

I had a great day yesterday with Chloe. We had lunch at a restaurant opposite the theatre which was very nice. Lovely food and great service. It was good to catch up on our busy weeks! Chloe has just finished her rheumatolgy rotation which is combined with orthopaedics - 2 weeks is all they have. She didn't see a single rheumatolgy patient just lectures and very few ortho ones. Considering how huge these areas are in medicine that doesn't seem very good. We then went to the theatre and saw South Pacific - it was great. Wonderful singing!

Today I am warn out - I have had a busy week - 3 journeys on trains - 1 1/2 days in hospital, 3 cannulas, 5 attempts to get blood, 1 op on arm, 1 renal clinic,bible study, flower arranging, etc..... Sounds like a busy week doesn't it! Especially as not so long ago I spent most of my days on the sofa or in bed. So today just some sorting out of Chloe's room as Debz H is coming to stay again. She will be staying with us during the week until Easter.

The week ahead is a bit more peaceful - not quite so much fitted in!

I am SO grateful for my new energy levels which enable me to do so much more. Yesterday was a really lovely day with Kit. All the travelling went well - it is so lovely to sit on a train as it chugs along through beautiful countryside. I also had the company of a good book which I finished on the journey home. I love reading and am so grateful for writers who allow us to escape into different worlds. They take our imagination on journeys with language - what a privilege. Kit had invited some of her friends to lunch - it was wonderful to meet some of the girls she shares her life with. Shaun also managed to come home early so I got to spend some time with him too. Altogether a fantastic day. One I will repeat often I think.

Today - I am going to begin learning to do flower arrangements for church. Not sure I will be very good at it - but I think it will be fun trying! A new skill - maybe! Also ladies who lunch and bible study. Tomorrow - Southampton with Chloe to see South Pacific.

My blood results from Wednesday are back at last - my creatinine is the lowest it has been since my kidneys failed - fantastic news that the dye didn't hurt them at all.

Very good clinic appointment - still feeling completely amazed by all that has happened. I saw a different consultant today who said - oh hello we meet at last I have heard all about you! You have angels looking after you. She is delighted with my progress and feels that my kidneys are now stable. She again said that she couldn't say that I will never need dialysis again but that is their hope for me. She had a look at my arm and said that she felt that we should consider closing off my fistula. This would involve opening up my arm and tying off the artery where it joins the vein. Unfortunately it would mean that I could never use that arm for dialysis again and as my other arm wasn't suitable I would then have to use my leg. Thankfully I don't need to decide this now and will have the next 4 months to think about it! It will be a hard decision as we don't know whether I will ever have to have dialysis again and if I do have it for how long I will need it as fistulas don't ever last for ever. However it is wonderful to know that for now I am stable and don't need to go back for 4 months. This is all assuming that the blood tests I had today are fine. The results will be back this evening so they will phone me tomorrow if there is anything wrong. My stitches came out very nicely so now we wait to see how much the swelling goes down. If it could just go down enough that I can use a knife and fork properly and put my jumpers on that would be nice. I am covered in bruises from all the blood and cannulas over the last 3 days. Thankfully next weeks hospital appointments don't involve blood tests.

Tomorrow I am off to see Kit in Stroud. I am looking forward to spending the day with her and hoping the journeys are a bit better than Saturdays ones to Winchester.

Yesterday I was reading some poetry by Carol Ann Duffy and this line struck me so greatly

'What will you do now with the gift of your left life? '

This is what I have been given - the gift of a left life. I am making the most of it. I am treasuring it thankfully for each moment I have been given. Today's appointment again reminds me that it is a gift I have been given and I have a choice as to how I live it now. I love my life! What about you? Are you treasuring your days remembering to tell all those you love that you love them, holding your children close and choosing to make every day count. Don't waste this one life you have, take every opportunity to live it well. Take time to look for joy, do those things on your list - you don't know what tomorrow brings. Look for the Creator - He is there waiting to take your hand too.

Ok speech over!!!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Yesterday was a mammoth 11 hours of hospital.

If you are not into detail or don't like hospitals go straight to the last paragraph!

We decided that the day was going well when Paul got into the car at 8.10 to find that he could only drive in circles! A quick dash to the train station and a taxi at the other end got us to the hospital just after 9 (I was due at 9). The medical infusion unit is a tiny 6 chaired room where people go to have infusions. It opens at 9 and closes at 4.30 (an important fact in my story). You are not allowed to wear gowns here but must be dressed! (another important fact as I need to be gowned to have procedure). After a lot of 'faffing' they try to get blood, results needed before I have op at 10.45! By this stage I am freezing and haven't had any fluid since 10 the previous night. They had no hope of getting a needle in. After 3 attempts using ever smaller needles they give up and ring a Dr. By this time I think the x-ray department had got the idea that things were not going well and a nurse arrived to see what was going on. It was 10.30 by then - op at 10.45 and no bloods and no cannula in and no fluids started ( I needed 6 hours of fluids). They wouldn't let me put a gown on and wanted to put a cannula in and then put a gown on later - ho hum! If you have tried to put a gown on with a cannula it is VERY tricky. By now the consultant had heard that things were not right so he phoned and said - send her here and I will sort it out. (He is really lovely) So off I toddled with 2 nurses - no idea why I needed 2!

Arrived in x-ray and allowed to put on gown with my warm socks and slippers (last time I was very cold). he then put in a cannula under ultrasound guidance - quite sore but at least it was in. Blood taken and then a conversation about whether |I was happy for them to proceed on the results of my last blood test as I had never had any problems with clotting. I said I was happy to get on with it rather than waiting ages for results. So off we trot to the angio room. It takes quite a lot of fiddling to get ready for the op with x-ray machines, drapes, drips, ultrasound machines, and my arm in just the right place. They then attached the fluid to my cannula for the beginning of 6 hours - ouch! Me: 'it is hurting quite a bit', nurse: 'its bound to', me: 'no I think it's not right(trying to be polite while my arm is by now really hurting) Dr: 'ok I'll check it'. Lots of moving equipment and me feeling guilty that I am making a fuss. Using ultrasound they watch as fluid flows - into my arm not my vein! Dr: 'oh that never usually happens' Ho Hum. More hassle as he has to recannulate my arm.

Ok so now we can get on with op. Dye shows that there is a narrowing in my vessel under my collar bone. He said it is so narrow that only a trickle of blood is getting through - hence why my arm has become so big as the blood finds other ways to get out! I am sedated and the local anaesthetic put into my arm - unfortunately it can't reach up to my collar bone so when he inflates the balloon it is quite painful. Thankfully the sedation makes the whole thing very hazy. The hour or so it takes for procedure passes in a peaceful haze punctuated by moments of pain. The staff are all lovely. Soon it is all done and he is very pleased with the results. Stitches put in and back to recovery. It is about 1 pm by now and I am starving. Still can only have water until they know I am ok.

1.30 taken up to a ward as the drip will take too long to go to infusion ward and I am in my gown!!!! At last I am allowed food and a cup of coffee - but oh no arm is hurting again. Again me: 'I am sorry to bother you but I think the fluid is going into my arm', nurse ' no it can't be cannulas are very good' , me: 'but my arm is swelling', nurse'ok I'll get someone', me: 'please could we stop drip', nurse'oh ok I suppose so', sister takes one look: 'oh dear it has come out' and off she goes and doesn't reappear for half an hour when I buzz her to find out what is happening. She then takes cannula out and says she has bleeped Dr. Young Dr eventually arrives and says that he thinks I don't need the drip but can mange by drinking 2 litres at home - I explain that I am concerned about kidneys so he says that he thinks it will be fine no other hospital does this. So I say ok I will go home and drink - I contact Paul to sort out lift and start putting my stuff together when a renal Dr arrives. I am very sorry Mrs White but I do want you to have the drip as research suggests it is the best protection for your kidneys. Me: 'ok I just want to do what is best'. So he then has to put in another cannula (without ultrasound). He manages very well and gets one in my hand. So we then start the 4 hours left of my drip. By now it is nearly 4pm.

The rest of the time passed quite quickly, chatting with the other patients in the ward, reading (luckily I had taken magazines and my kindle and my ipod) and trying to eat my tea with very limited movement in either arm - quite tricky and no offers of help from the staff. Paul then sorted my lift for 8 o'clock. At 7.50 my drip finished and I asked to be disconnected (not at all sure how long I would have waited if I hadn't asked). I was very pleased to see Matt when he arrived and I got home for 8.30 ish. I was very happy to be home and for it to be over.

Although the day was long I was peaceful all day aware of your prayers and so glad for an NHS that although stretched and over worked can do such amazing things. I woke a lot through the night hopefully I have got rid of all the dye and my kidneys have been protected. This morning my arms are sore but not painful. I go back tomorrow to have my stitches removed, for blood teats to check my kidneys are ok and for my renal review. The consultant thinks I may have to have this repeated every 3-6 months so I had better get used to it! Please do pray that my kidneys have been protected from dye and that all is well. My results yesterday show my creatinine at the lowest it has been since I stopped dialysis which is brilliant after the blip when I had antibiotics.

Sorry this has been a long post. I hope I haven't bored you all!

Home at last will post details tomorrow. But alls well that ends well!

Winchester was wonderful yesterday - we had such fun. We spent the morning visiting King Arthur's round table and Winchester Cathedral which is really beautiful. Lunch was followed by Paul doing more info gathering and Chloe and I shopped. We found a very old fashioned but non-the-less delightful craft shop and spent an hour browsing, chatting and shopping. Coffee and biscuits and then the second hand book shop which is hidden behind other shops in a way that only book shops can. It was a typical book shop all windy staircases and uneven floors and walls. I love them. I bought another Agatha Christie to add to my collection. We then went back to the cathedral for evensong which was very lovely - twinkly lights, candles, beautiful choir and God's word. What more could you ask for. The Cathedral looks particularly beautiful at night, especially the knave which is emptied of chairs in January and gives you an opportunity to see the vastness of the building. We finished our visit with a renal friendly meal showing that I can manage meals out without cheating on my diet. Altogether a magical memory making day.

Today i am exhausted! Our journey last night took longer than we had anticipated and we didn't get home until nearly 10. So today nothing planned except church, roast dinner and packing for tomorrows adventure to hospital. I would value your prayers as I would really like the procedure to work and not to hurt too much. It would be great if it could all pass in a blur like the first time. Tuesday will be spent recovering (hopefully at home) then Wednesday back to hospital for blood tests check on my arm and renal clinic. Thursday I am hoping to go to Stroud to see kitty. Friday ladies who lunch and bible study and Saturday I am going to Southampton to see South Pacific with Chloe. Another week done!!!!!

Photos of Winchester to follow - maybe!

What a busy week and it has gone so fast. I don't know how I had time to work before! I can't believe it is already Friday. Yesterday started with an early visit to the hospital. I am going to have my operation on my arm on Monday. It is more complicated this time as the dye they use to show up the blockage is toxic to the kidneys and so the kidneys need protecting. To do this I have to take tablets before and after op and I have to have 6 hours of fluid via a drip during the day of the op. This means I will be in hospital all day. Ho Hum! But hopefully this will open up my fistula and my arm will get smaller. I will be sedated for the op so hopefully it will all pass in a bit of a blur. I have loaded up my kindle with new books so should be fine. I will be glad to get it over and done with. Then I have to go back for blood tests, clinic visits and a check up on Wednesday so more hospital.

I managed to catch up with a friend who was having her second chemo yesterday - it was lovely to chat. Then coffee with another friend and back for a meeting to discuss bible study and then lovely book club last night. It was great to manage so many things in one day - remembering how I could only do one thing last year.

Today coffee with a friend and then ladies who lunch and bible study. It is such a beautiful day with the sunshine sparkling on the frost. Tomorrow Paul and I are meeting Chloe in Winchester. I am looking forward to seeing the cathedral. Hopefully it will be sunny again.

This week is disappearing so fast. It is already Wednesday!

Yesterday I found Chloe's room again. It looks so nice when it is tidy - I even keep the door open just to look at it. When she is home we keep it closed to hide the mess! The whole house is slowly getting tidier. However the more you tidy and clean the more you notice that needs doing. There is so much that hasn't been cleaned in the last 2 years. Ho hum!

The next few days are nicely busy. Coffee with friends, visits to the library, bible study and ladies who lunch and book club. Lovely.

A lovely normal, busy day today. My energy levels continue to improve which is great. I am still so grateful not to be doing dialysis. I am also feeling less sick which is also great. It does help when the weather is warmer as I am not constantly trying to get warm - my fingers turn white very quickly when my core temperature is low. They then turn a wonderful purple colour as they thaw out.

I have discovered second hand books online and am really enjoying buying and reading a series of books that my mum loved. It is amazing to be able to get hold of books written in 1947. I am sure that it is not a well known series but I have been able to get nearly all of the books.

I am slowly working my way through the washing from the holidays and the tidying. It is lovely to have the time and the energy to do it this year.

My girlie goes back today - ho hum! But I have seen lots of her this holiday which has been lovely. It will be very quiet in our house again once she has gone. I will need to keep busy this week to get used to it. There is plenty of house tidying and washing etc... to do!

Today church and lunch with Ed and Chloe before they go back.

Last full day with my girlie before she goes back to uni. We are going to go to a sewing shop for supplies and then hopefully for a fresh air walk - weather allowing. The clouds are looking a bit ominous but we shall see.

Yesterday we thought we had tickets for the athletics in the stadium for the Olympics but we were part of their disorganised chaos! I was disappointed but hey ho!

I hope you all have lovely weekend plans after your first week back at work after the Christmas hols.

I have been reading a list made by a palliative nurse who worked with people as they were dying and she has recorded the things people regretted most when they were dying

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

I think this is very interesting for all the things it doesn't say! I wish I had done more shopping - no! I wish I had done more ironing - no! I wish my house had been tidier - no! I wish I had made more money - no! I wish I had had more holidays - no! I feel so privileged to be living this life trying hard to make good forever choices every day. But we all have those choices every day - we don't need to be given a diagnosis of a life threatening illness or two to be reminded that we have this one life and we can choose to live it well or not. What priorities do you and I need to change to make this happen?

Thank you Stephanie for pointing out this list. A good thing to be reminded of in this New Year.

Yesterday was a hard day with the reminder that you never know what is around the corner.

Today coffee with a friend, ladies who lunch and bible study. It has been one of the most precious things that my journey has taught me - time spent with friends is never time wasted.

Well the tree is down and the boxes are filled just need labelling and then away for another year. Papageno is very confused with all the activity today. He eventually tried to hide in the mug cupboard! He was very frightened when Ben turned into a Christmas tree! (Ben was carrying tree into the garden and Papageno ran away from him in fright and then wouldn't allow Ben anywhere near him for ages) The lounge is looking quite empty without the Christmas stuff although tidier and cleaner. It is good not to have to hurry to get the stuff away as in previous years when I had to get back to work. This year I am trying to label boxes so we know what is in them, and sort them out a bit. Sorting is good!

I had a lovely time with my friend who came for coffee yesterday. We chatted for ages and the time flew by. Good friends who share your journey are very precious.

Chloe is back this evening after a few days helping Ed's mum make curtains(she has damaged her knee skiing and has a big sewing project to complete). Tomorrow she returns for the day to Southampton and then back for her last weekend with us before term begins. Ben returns to school tomorrow so the normal routines of life begin.

Papageno and I will miss the company.

Started my new routine - badly! I had a bad night and therefore slept in - oh dear! Sleeping is not going well again, not sure why. Thankfully tomorrow is another day! We are still tidying, we have piles everywhere. I will be pleased when it is done. The Christmas decorations still need sorting. I always feel a but sad when they come down. But hey ho - into 2012.

Today coffee with a lovely friend.

One of my decisions for this year is to take more photos that detail my year. I had thought to do one a day but I am not disciplined enough for that! So here are my first photos of the year showing my new bed and book case. On my headboard are my lovely sock monkeys that Chloe made. The second shelf of my bookcase is full of books that belonged to my parents. They have been read numerous times by my mum, dad, Chloe and I and have been lent to many people. They show many signs of their age and how much they are loved. I also have the beginnings of my Agatha Christie collection - I intend to buy and read all the Miss Marple books. By the side of my bed is my Christmas present from my family. An ipod docking station - which I love very much. It seems to do everything - well almost.

Yesterday was a peaceful day with good food and good company. Paul went up to the Royal Opera house to see a longggggggggggggggggggg opera! Today we are having a peaceful last day to the holidays - Paul goes back to work tomorrow. We are going to visit friends this afternoon. And then the holidays will be over and January begins. I am hoping to get into a better routine to my days now. It is easy to have no pattern to the days when you are at home but as I start to fill my days with more activity I am aware that I do need routines. I also need the discipline of routine so that I don't waste my time. Each day counts...................

“I don’t really want more time;I just want enough time.Time to breathe deep & time to see real & time to laugh long, time to give You glory & rest deep & sing joy…I just want time to do my one life well.Life at its fullest is this sensitive, detonating sphere —and it can be carried only in the hands of the unhurried and reverential—a bubble held in awe.”~ One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are Ann Voskamp