Am I ready for a new year?

I have been looking back on this last year and contemplating the year to come. Last year at this time I was hoping for a year of good health and a return to work. Who could have foreseen what this year had to bring us! I am thankful that I can't see ahead but can just have 'enough light for the step I'm on'. This step is enough for me now and I will let the creator of the world order the rest of my days. He promises to go ahead of me and prepare the way and I will trust that He has the best plans for me. Sometimes when I look too far ahead I get scared and that is when I know I have stopped trusting. Early on in this journey I learnt that trust and fear can't walk together - and I have the choice as to which way I walk. So I step into 2011 with just enough light for the day ahead. I will continue to look for joy in each day and hope that you will be able to continue this journey with me. Thank you for being my friends and helping to make this journey so much easier.

Yesterday went well and I am all planned! I now have 5 tattoos - not in a butterfly shape unfortunately just little black dots. I am ready for the treatment to start on 14th January.

We are looking for people to be able to help out with lifts. I will be having 12 sessions on the following dates at about 11-11.30 ish leaving here at 10.30. The treatment should take about 20 minutes all being well. If you can offer to do 1 or 2 sessions that would be wonderful and would help greatly. Please let me know - email anne@thewhitefamilysite.org.uk or give me a ring. Thank You so much

14th January

17th January

19th January

21st January

24th January

26th January

28th January

31st January

2nd February

4th February

7th February

9th February

I am still trying to think of things to look forward to in Jan and Feb that don't involve lots of energy as I think I will be quite tired with hospital visits 6 times a week! I am not looking forward to Josh and Chloe going back at the weekend. It has been so lovely to have the house full again although I won't miss the mess!!

Today is dialysis again. Hopefully anti-sickness tablet will help again.

Another visit to Royal Berks today - maybe to have my radiotherapy planned (if I can get my arm up high enough). I am hoping that we can get on with that.

Yesterdays dialysis went ok. I saw the Consultant who came to look at the line that had slipped. Thankfully it has returned to its original place. They have placed a stac lock onto the lines again to help maintain its position. She also recommended that I had an anti-sickness tablet while having dialysis. We tried that yesterday and yippee I had no sickness afterwards. Hopefully this will be the answer. We had toad-in-the-hole for tea and I ate it all. Well done me!!!

Dialysis again today - yucky! Paul says this sums today up! I am feeling much better today - no paracetamol but know that I will be feeling yuck again this evening after dialysis. it is hard to keep going.

However I have my house full of family and a beautiful kitten who is now called Papageno. He brings us so much joy and laughter. He is into everything - trying to help with whatever we are doing. Chloe is making a very beautiful patchwork quilt and the kitten is very helpful with the sewing machine lead, the iron, the cutting board, the laying out of the pieces - so much to help with!

My thoughts keep returning to the next few months and the treatment ahead. It is so hard to be patient and wait to be well. I know that the road ahead is still quite long and as ever I am impatient with the journey. Thankfully I know that Jesus walks ahead of me preparing the way.

I am trying to think of things to look forward to in January and February - hard as most of my time will be spent in the hospital. I think a list is necessary!!!

And that was Christmas! All that planning and then it is over! Thankfully my house is still full of people which I love.

Dialysis was ok yesterday as Joy, Matt, Adam and Talia came and met me. We got into trouble for having too many people! They had to take turns!

Unfortunately the line for dialysis is slipping again. This means I may have to have it redone. This was a very unpleasant experience and one I don't want again. Please can you pray it settles down again. If it is still out of place on Tuesday they will get a Dr. to look at it.

I was sick again yesterday and had a yucky evening feeling poorly. Thankfully I feel better again today. My body is struggling to get over this cold and cough. I think I have very few resources to fight bugs at the moment.

Today will be a quiet day to recover from the business of the last few days.

What a lovely day! My girlie cooked lunch brilliantly for 15 people. Not many 21 year olds can do that and not get hassled. (well not many people can cook Christmas lunch for that many and not get hassled) Everything worked very well and lunch was delicious. I looked around the table so grateful for my lovely family. There were some tearful moments and a little bit of thinking about the future but on the whole it was a joyful day. It was lovely to see the children all interacting and playing together - who doesn't want to make lip balm or be a spy and break codes!

I am struggling today with the thought of dialysis. I wish I could have a holiday from dialysis but hey ho that is what I need to be doing. Chloe and Paul are coming with me so I am sure we will play chequers and have a picnic! Hopefully we shall come back to my perfect Boxing day meal of cold turkey, ham, salad and jacket potatoes. Maybe I will keep that down unlike all my meals yesterday!

Happy Boxing Day to you all!

Well here I am in a silent house - not a creature is stirring not even a pussy cat! We seem to have arrived at Christmas day with a bump! Hopefully not too many things have been forgotten.

I am looking forward to seeing all my sisters and brother today and spending my birthday together.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas day.

So Christmas has arrived. I am so grateful i don't need to have dialysis for 2 days now. I was a very poorly girl last night after dialysis - sick and high temperature. But this morning I am feeling better and hopefully will improve over the day.

Tonight we are off to Joys for a family meal and then everyone here tomorrow. There is much to do before going to Joys as I haven't done anything over the last few days. Hopefully everyone here will help out. The kitten will certainly help - he is into everything, especially wrapping paper!

Our best wishes to you all for a happy, healthy and peaceful Christmas. Thank you to all of you who have sent cards and letters it has been so lovely to hear all your news.

Still thankful for paracetamol! Temperature going up and down. Hoping this is last day and will feel better tomorrow. I am not sleeping very well either but glad for my warm bed. I have rather a long list to get done now before Saturday. But I have finished the cards and they have stamps on them - they just have to reach the post box now! Paul is going shopping and Matt is taking me to dialysis. I have dialysis today and then not til boxing day.

Josh comes home today so we will all be here and Christmas can start! We are having 15 to lunch on Christmas day - all being well. Thankfully Josh and Chloe are good cooks and can help with everything.

Someone has kindly shared their germs with me! I have temperature, cough, sickness etc.... Yucky! I suppose I have done well to stay away from germs for so long. I am grateful for paracetamol though. And a little kitten to keep me company. Chloe and Paul are going up to London to the ballet at the Royal Opera House.

I didn't manage to go to party last night as I started being sick when I came back from dialysis. I hope they had a lovely time. I was sad to miss it.

So today brings a duvet day and paracetamol! Hopefully be better by Saturday.

Awake early this morning. Lots of thoughts going through my head. I have had a bit more energy again following the blood I was given last week and can glimpse life going back to normal again one day but it is still a long way off. This has been a long haul, I have been ill now for nearly 18 months and long for my life back. I am impatient at times and wish for this to all be a dream I can wake up from. It would be lovely to have days when I didn't think about illness at all. But this is where I am and I need to be reminded of all that I have got to be grateful for.

Today brings dialysis with Chloe. And hopefully a party afterwards at a friends house if I have enough energy and its not too icy. Only 2 more sleeps and I will have all my chicks in the nest! There is much to be grateful for.

Sorry for the late post today. I am on a go slow! I am so happy not to have to go to dialysis today.

Last night we went to the lovely carol service at church with Chloe and Ed. Great to focus on the real meaning of Christmas and seeing past all the commercialism.

Our cards remain unsent as we have run out of ink for the printer - the new one is in a safe place we just can't remember where that safe place is!!! At least they are written and will be sent soon. Just a few more presents to go and then present wrapping.

The kitten is settling in well and developing a routine. We all love him.

So grateful we managed to get to and from dialysis yesterday. The snow came down heavily in the morning. Paul stayed with me and Chloe stayed at home looking after the kitten. Some patients didn't manage to get to the hospital. It is scary to think of the consequences of not going. We would appreciate your prayers for the next few days.

We now have a new baby visiting us. Ben has bought a pygmy hedgehog for his girlfriend for Christmas and he arrived this morning after a night in a service station with his owners. He is so beautiful - hopefully pictures later. His name is Timothy.

We are off to have a cooked breakfast now - hope you are all warm and snug in your houses.

Quite concerned by the white day outside my window. Paul hates driving in the snow - but I need dialysis. Could do without this!

We had a lovely day yesterday. Lunch was great with the ladies. We do food well! It is lovely having Chloe home - she is great company and enjoys sitting in my nest with me just chatting. The kitten is loving having lots of people around to love him and play with him. He is getting more adventurous now and getting into mischief.

I am so glad that fear doesn't rule my life. I have been reading about ladies who have breast cancer and for so many of them fear controls their days. I am so grateful that God has lifted that from me.

My hair is growing fast but disappointedly it is coming back grey. Ho hum! I would have liked to be a red head for a bit longer. Still there is always dye!!!!

We are becoming a home full of illness! Ben has a yucky cold and Chloe arrived home from uni yesterday also with a cold. So I am getting out the hand gel!

Today the ladies are coming for lunch. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Christmas seems to be creeping ever nearer - and I am not at all ready. Although I bought my cards ages ago they still haven't managed to arrive at the post box! How easy it is to loose sight of the real meaning of Christmas in all the busyness.

My love to all my work friends as they finish school today. Hope your Christmas days are full of joy.

lovely evening yesterday - good food and great company. We finished our bible study on church which has been very thought provoking. How often we fail. It has challenged my thinking on lots of levels.

We are off today to a meeting at Ben's school and then dialysis.

I am looking forward to tomorrow when we have ladies group lunch here - weather permitting and Chloe comes home (bringing her cold to join Ben's) for the holidays. Paul starts his 2 week break - yippee Christmas starts here!! Although we DO NOT NEED ANY MORE SNOW!!!

Lovely start to the day - sitting in bed with kitten and Ben chatting. Glad I haven't had to go to work today in the cold.

The scan yesterday (which we waited over an hour for) showed that my fistula starts off well and then divides. They have decided to put in a tube and blow it up! There is a waiting list so not sure when this will happen.

Today brings tidying, cooking and house group meal here this evening.

Having some more blood on Thursday so I will be full of beans for Christmas!!!

Yesterday didn't quite go as planned. I arrived for planning and got changed and then they decided that I haven't got enough movement in my arm yet! So I need to go back in just over 2 weeks. I was quite glad as it means I don't need to start until after Christmas. So my friend G and I went for coffee instead.

Today I am going to have my fistula scanned. Hopefully that will all go to plan and they will be able to decide what to do next. I will then go on to have dialysis.

I am sitting in bed with a little kitten fast asleep in the crook of my arm. He was so pleased to see us this morning and has been purring ever since. He is beginning to see us as safe places to retreat to when there are loud noises instead of rushing into his cardboard box!

Today I have planning for radiotherapy. It will be very strange to be back in the radiotherapy department after nearly 25 years.

I am still looking for a lift tomorrow morning if anyone can help let me know.

Our time is no longer our own - it belongs to a tiny little ball of fluff!! He arrived and was very scared - that hasn't lasted long. He is now exploring all aspects of our lounge and we are hurriedly making it kitten proof. He has chewed through the wires for our lights and pulled off one of the keys on my keyboard all within the first 24 hours! He still retreats to his cardboard box at any loud or unexpected noise. He is using the box despite having a very nice fluffy basket! We love him. I hoping to take some photos today so look out for those tomorrow.

Today I am having a quiet day at home to prepare for the busy week ahead and to recover from the previous few days excitement. It was lovely to spend dialysis with Debz and Josh yesterday. This week I must finish writing my cards - which I started weeks ago! and finish the Christmas shopping most of which has been done on line thankfully.

Tomorrow I go to radiotherapy for planning for my treatment. I am hoping they don't say I must start before Christmas.

I may need a lift on Tuesday morning to the hospital at about 10.50 if any one can help that would be wonderful. Thank you

He is here! Our lovely little black kitten arrived last night. He spent most of the time curled up in someone arms. This morning he has found his voice and is beginning to explore. He is so beautiful and we all love him. He remains nameless as we can't agree on one. He may end up being called cat!!

I had a wonderful day yesterday. Lovely friends for coffee, great bible study and catching up. Then collecting the kitten and going out for a meal. I had the most wonderful evening with my work colleagues the food was great and the company perfect. I am the luckiest girl to work with such a wonderful team.

Today - much playing with kitten then dialysis with Josh and Debz and more wonderful strictly.

Hi all - its Friday - yippee! Hopefully we are going to pick up our kitten from the foster carer when Paul gets back from work. I can't wait! We are ready with new basket(which he probably won't sleep in), new litter tray, new bowls and new scratching post. We still haven't chosen a name, hopefully we will think of one when we have him here.

Also tonight is our work Christmas party - I am looking forward to it although as ever hoping I have enough energy to cope. This afternoon is bible study and friends for coffee this morning. A busy day - full of lovely things.

Josh comes home this evening so I am looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. What a joy to have children that are so supportive.

Here is the new member of our family. He is coming to live with us on Friday evening - we can't wait. He is a beautiful 9 week old full of character. What fun! We are thinking of names now - all suggestions welcome. In the picture he is snuggled in my hand.

The nativity at school yesterday was wonderful. It was called 'whoops a daisy angel'. I especially loved the little girl who pulled up her dress to readjust her knickers! How wonderful to be 5 and so unconcerned about the audience!

Today brings shopping and dialysis. I am hoping to get a new pair of shoes for tomorrow evenings Christmas meal with work. I am so looking forward to going out again.

What a dark grey, day! I am so looking forward to going to the school nativity this afternoon. I haven't been into school for quite a while so I will be very pleased to see everyone. Then we are going to see the kitten later. Hopefully we will love him and he will become part of our family at the weekend.

I was proper poorly last night after dialysis - not sure what is going on as I have now been very sick after the last 3 dialysis sessions - yucky.

I am trying to eat better to put on weight before I loose it again with the next lot of chem. My weight is stable but I don't seem to be able to put it on again. Eating is still not my favourite thing.

So we settle down for a bit longer (see previous blog for details from oncologist) . I have now got my head around more chemo and having no hair for Josh's wedding. The good news was the results from the surgery - lots of dead cancer cells and no capsule involvement in the nodes.

We are off to look at a little black kitten tomorrow evening. If we love him he can come and live with us at the weekend. Yippee!

Today dialysis and D.

Deep breath - we would like you to have more chemo. Ho hum!

I saw the oncologist this morning and they have decided I need to have 4 more chemos after the radiotherapy. This will be a different drug which is currently not licensed in England although it is licensed in Scotland and Wales. We therefore have to apply to the PCT who will turn down the appeal and we will then have to apply to the special fund set up recently by the government. This will take time. So while we wait for that I will have the radiotherapy - planning just before Christmas to start straight afterwards. This will take a month - 3 times a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday with dialysis Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday! I will be practically living at the hospital! The chemo will then start after that and will last 3- 4months. Unfortunately I will loose my hair again so won't have hair for Josh's wedding - ho hum!

The reason for more chemo is not because they know I have cancer anywhere else but as a precaution. There is not very much evidence of chemo before surgery and whether it is enough on its own. So I need to do this.

I took a deep breath and then said Ok lets do it! So there we are another 5-6 months to go.

Thankfully I know that God is in control of all of this and He will walk beside me all the way.

Please pray for my family as I tell them

Start of the new week and I am hoping it will be better than last week. I am recovering slowly but continue to be frustrated by the lack of speed! I want to be normal again - whatever that means. I think I will have to settle for a new normal. I have learnt so many things about myself and others over the last 6 months. Today I have an appointment with the oncologist to discuss radiotherapy. Hopefully the last leg of this journey. Then I will really see what normal is like when that is finished.

I continue to look for joy in each day and thankfully there is usually much to be grateful for even on the blackest days. Not least that I am unconditionally loved by the creator of the world who is interested in all aspects of my life. Who answers my prayers - not always as I would like but always as I need!

This week (all being well) brings hospital appointment, dialysis, nativity, bible study and meal out with work. Nicely busy!

Happy Monday to you all!

What a lovely evening. JUST perfect. I am so glad I managed to go. Chloe and I really enjoyed the crafts, the wonderful atmosphere, the talk and the company. Thank you to everyone involved in making a magical evening and especially to A. I am exhausted today but glad I went. I also have some lovely things to put on my tree.

I am hoping that this week is a more positive week. My apologies for my moaning last week.

Dialysis was Ok yesterday although I was sick again when I got in the car. Chloe is thinking it maybe because they are using an old machine which is not so gentle. It was lovely to have Kit with us and we caught up on news.

Today brings a gentle day to recover from yesterday.

Listening to Christmas songs as I write this. So glad to be part of a lovely family. Chloe arrived home safely last night and Kitty is hoping to pop into dialysis on her way to friends. I am really looking forward to the craft evening tonight.

Yesterday didn't turn out quite as expected as ladies from bible study were all busy apart from C who came for coffee. I felt quite grumpy for most of the day just frustrated that I can't be doing more. But ho hum healing takes a while! This week feels like it has been taken up with hospitals and illness. Hopefully next week will be a bit better.

Well we managed to get to dialysis and back again safely. Thank you for your phone calls, messages and offers of help. Paul brought his laptop and dongle and worked from the dialysis unit! At least it was cosy and warm.

Today brings ladies who lunch and bible study. And all being well Chloe home. Tomorrow we are going to our church craft evening which I am SO looking forward to. Please could you pray that I have enough energy to cope after dialysis. I haven't attempted to go out after dialysis for a long time - ho hum!

I hope to bring our Christmas tree inside today - I do love twinkly lights and decorations.

My wound is healing nicely although there is a bit more pain as the feeling returns. I am so glad that box is ticked. I now have a soft covering of downy hair.

I am sitting here with Ben looking out on the beautiful snow feeling worried about getting to dialysis. I could do without weather difficulties just now!

This is a picture of Talia, Chloe and I on Sunday at Josh and Debz party.

My hospital appointment went well yesterday. The consultant was pleased with how I was healing and felt the little gap will heal on its own. 7 out of 24 lymph nodes had cancer in them and they removed all the main lump with margins. I have an appointment with the oncologist on Monday to discuss the radiotherapy.

On that note I am in need of a lift to hospital and back again on Monday. My appointment is at 9.50 at Royal Berks. Paul has a work commitment. If you are available and can help please let me know. Thank you!

Very, very grey day today but thankfully no snow.

Hospital appointment at 10.00 today. Glad to be having wound checked as it is still oozing. The feeling is now coming back to my arm and side slowly. Feels quite strange as it does.

Hoping to bring the Christmas tree in today. I can't believe it is a year since we bought it. This year has held so much and yet seems to have gone so quickly.

Yesterdays dialysis went well. I enjoyed the company of 2 lovely ladies and we chatted for the whole time catching up. I love hearing about peoples lives.