We had a wonderful day yesterday at our church away day helped hugely by the sunshine and the great location. It was good to be able to spend time together and chat. The children loved being together and there was plenty for them to do. It was brilliantly organised. I was quite tired though when I got home. 

We woke this morning to an overflowing house - Chloe and Ed up early to go to the cycling show in Birmingham and various bodies still asleep after a toga party yesterday. 

I seem to be coping quite well with the change in tablets - just taking paracetamol to cope with the headaches. Hopefully I will adjust quite quickly and then we can up the dose and get my blood pressure controlled. 

This week - blood tests, visit to M&S, tutoring, sorting with a friend, a visit to her Majesty in Buckingham Palace (well she might not be there), flowers and bible study and hurrah hurrah Strictly starts next week-end and my girlie will be here to share that. That sounds like a great week doesn't it. 

Busy day in London yesterday. 

Today - starting new tablets! Flowers with the gang this morning. Ladies who lunch and bible study and then my girlie comes home. Looking forward to hearing all about her GP week. Then making a toga for my boy! Not sure how you go about that! Tomorrow church away day hopefully in the sunshine. 

Lovely day yesterday in my new boots! I sat in the staff room at school and felt that I had never been away. I so miss school and all the lovely staff. I can't believe it is nearly 21/2 years since I last worked. How time flies........! Hearing all that is going on there I just wanted to get stuck in! 

My Drs appointment was ok although more fiddling about with tablets. More changing BP tablets and a new long list of side effects. I am going to wait until Friday to make the changes as I will be coming off a tablet I have been on for 7 years and I may have side effects from stopping. Ho hum! My poor body must be so fed up with changes . I also have to have another blood test to check my kidneys as one of the drugs I am on can affect the kidneys. Nothing is simple is it! I am also trying to find an anti-sickness drug that works in the mornings. The one I have been taking is used for chemo patients and costs £50 for 30 tablets - as you can imagine GP is not keen on prescribing that. Again - nothing is simple! I will be glad when I manage to sort these tablets out. I know it is only a small thing in the big scheme of things but it is a nuisance to have to keep changing. It is only a small drop in blood pressure we are looking for now but the changes unbalance everything and it all starts again! Sorry for the moan! 

Tomorrow I am off to Great Ormond Street Hospital to see a friend in hospital and to have lunch with my big boy. 

These are my new winter boots - I love them. Just right for cold autumnal days. I even bought them slightly larger so that I can wear thick socks in them to be extra cosy! 

Today I am sorting church flowers, hoping to go to coffee at school and seeing my GP for yet more changes to my tablets! It is nice to see the sunshine for a while after yesterdays rain. 




The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3 

Do you like the new Autumn colours for my blog? Maybe still needs a bit more work! I am enjoying the changing season whilst hoping for more sunny days! It is a time for snuggling under quilts in the evenings and last night I got out the candles. Our twinkling lights need to go back up and we have yet to have a fire. 

This busy week has made me reflect on my new normal which is still changing. I have wondered often whether moving on would mean I would no longer think about what has happened. I have decided that certainly for now it is still very much part of my thinking and my 'being'. I am still aware so often of what I can't do and of course what I can do now. It has so shaped who I am as a person and also shaped our family. Mostly in a good way now. I do allow myself small glimpses of the future but mainly I live in today and appreciate all I have right here right now. I think this is a good way to be - grateful for today and only concerned for the cares of today. Tomorrow will come soon enough! 

Today - a sorting day hoping to finish the loft boxes and get Paul's room sorted. We started it before the summer holidays and it is still a mess! Maybe a bit of gardening too. Beef casserole in the slow-cooker with dumplings for tea - yummy! 

Hope you all have lovely weekend plans! 

It's Friday - what a week it's has  been. I think I have fitted more in this week than I have since I have been ill. It is so good to know that I continue to get better. Now instead of just planning one thing in a day sometimes I manage 3 or even 4 things. Evenings remain a struggle though. I have decided that I need to accept that. I am often in bed at 7!!!! It has been a week of good news too with good test results for friends. As ever I am grateful! 

I had coffee with 2 lovely people yesterday morning one is nearly 3 and one is well quite grown up! The nearly 3 year old kept me quite amused all morning as only nearly 3 year olds can. . It was delightful. I now know much more about cars than I did before! How wonderful learning is whatever your age. 

Yesterday evening I went for an early meal with my dialysis friend D. It was so lovely to catch up with all her news. She is awaiting the birth of her first grandchild - how exciting! We were reminiscing about a year ago and how we spent our time together then in dialysis. It is so good to be reminded of how much has changed since then. She was with me the day I was told I could stop dialysis and is one of the few people who really knows how hard dialysis was for me.   It is good to have people to remind me of how I was and how I am now - to really appreciate the gift that my days are now. It can be easy to get lost in the slight problems I have now forgetting all that I can do. My life is so full of good things! 

Today flowers and ladies who lunch and bible study. The picture is our first pedestal arrangement in church. Not bad for a first attempt! I love the colours. 

This weekend - a quieter weekend after the last few very busy ones. Maybe a take-away meal with Anna (Ben's girlfriend), Ben, Paul and I.; possibly a visit to Savill; some more sorting; church and a roast dinner. Sounds perfect! 




 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. 
Eph 3 v20 

Feeling much better today thankfully. Busy day but lovely to meet up with a friend for coffee this afternoon and catch up. First house group tonight of the new term - where did the summer go? I can feel the chill in the air and my struggle with my fingers and joints begins. I am trying to get organised by wearing layers and socks and gloves and scarves. But it is tricky to wear gloves when doing housework or washing up! Maybe that is the sign that I shouldn't do those things!!!!! 

Our house is very quiet this evening as Ben is staying at his girlfriends so it is just Paul and I and Papageno of course. It takes some getting used to all this change. We have manic weekends with everyone here and then quiet days with no-one. It is a good thing Paul and I like each others company! 

Very tired today and started the day being sick. Warning signs of being too busy! But the weekend was so worth it. I loved it. It is good that I can now push myself and then recover. I so want to take every opportunity now that I can. So slow day today - coffee with a friend and tutoring and lots of stopping to smell the roses! Photos are of flowers in my garden.

Reunion - 34 years! 

My weekend 

Empty streets of Guildford 

Sky boys! 

 I had a wonderful weekend. Our reunion was great. I hadn't seen the girlies for 2 years so there was a lot of catching up to do. It is 34 years since we began our  training and we can still talk as much as we did then! Our lives are all very different but when we get together I remember why we were such good friends. They were all very pleased to see me looking so well. And I was so grateful to be well enough to go. Thank you Ladies for a lovely day. 

having a chat up the hill!!!!

 On Sunday Chloe, Ed and I went to Guildford to see the end of the Tour of Britain cycling race. It was so exciting! We were the first ones to arrive at the finish line. We set up camp and got a fantastic position very close to the line but we could also see down the hill. There was a lot of waiting around but we were near coffee and food shops which helped. 
They also had an amateur hill race up the high street going on which had 4 stages. That was exciting too with some minor celebrities and cycling people taking part. 

Tiernan - Locke being interviewed 

 The fastest cycled up the hill in 38 seconds - wow! 

Then the actual tour arrived at 1.30 for the first time. The noise was deafening as the crowd realised that Sky were on the front of the peleton. You can see from my pictures how busy it was. People were hanging from lamp-posts and out of windows to get a glimpse of the cyclists. 






There was then 2 1/2 hours until they returned. More hill races and a lot of waiting. Ned Boulting (TV presenter) came along signing copies of his new book and Dave Braislford (permance director of British cycling and general manager of Team Sky) arrived to loud applause

The police out riders were the first sign that the cyclists were near and the helicopter over head and then the cheering and banging of the boards. Sky came into view and Cav (Mark Cavendish) took off up the hill sprinting for the line. By the time he reached us he knew he had got it and was smiling all over his face - his arms went up and he began to celebrate even before crossing the line. The crowd went wild! At that moment I had no idea who else had crossed the line we just watched him! 

It soon became apparent that Jonathan Tiernan - Locke (GB) had crossed in the peleton and therefore was the over all winner of the Tour. It was a great day for British riders with Kristian House taking King of the Mountains and Peter Williams the sprint jersey. Although we had such a lot of waiting it was worth it for those wonderful moments when they cycle past. 

Today - recovering and lunch with a friend. 

We are about where the man is standing on the cobbles -  taken from twitter 

Being read poetry to by your son is one of the greatest joys. Ben has started his English Lit and is loving the poetry section. It reminded me how much my dad loved poetry and would quote lines often. I have one of his poetry books which is fulling apart because he read it so much. How wonderful are words and language to communicate our feelings.

Today I am off to London to meet up with the girlies. I am looking forward to catching up with all their news. We are all spread across the country and have very different lives. I am the only one of us not still working in a hospital - just spend my life visiting it instead!

Then tomorrow we are going to Guildford to see the end of the Tour of Britain cycle race.

I hope you all have wonderful plans too.

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging Psalm 46 1-3 

Always he holds our hands no matter what befalls us. He is with us. 

Yesterday Chloe text me to say she had held a heart in her hands. She was assisting in an operation. How amazing is that! She has loved surgery. 

Today I am having my hair cut - that is still amazing that I have hair to cut! I saw someone recently who I only met after I had had chemo so only knew me bald. She didn't recognise me! 

This weekend I am meeting up with the ladies I trained with. I am looking forward to seeing them. The last time I saw them was 2 years ago in dialysis when they made a surprise visit. Then on Sunday I am hoping to go with Chloe and Ed to see the end of the Tour of Britain cycle race. Hoping to see Cav win!  

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, and confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger to a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." 

Melody Beattie

I remain so grateful for my life, for sunny days and family, for friends and texts, for books and words, for laughter and tears, for scars and swollen joints telling the story, for a hope and a future, for a God who reached down and took my hand, for joy every day. 

So here we are Monday morning after the Paralympics. Life returns now to a more normal ebb and flow. I was grateful for my quiet Sunday spent mostly in bed. This week my new normal routines begin. I do like routine but I glance back over the summer with so many happy forever memories. Today the union jack bunting will come down in my bedroom (it has been up since the jubilee) and I will try to make nests for the winter! I do love the changing seasons and look forward to the colours of Autumn but I don't like the cold. It has been wonderful to have warm hands all summer long. I think there has only been 2 or 3 occasions when my fingers have turned white. So I will return to layers and scarves and gloves and blankets and hope for some sunny days. 

Do see the post below with Stephanie Butland and go to Jo http://gapyearsthebook.blogspot.co.uk/ where Stephanie will be found today. 

Last day of the Paralympics today. I am feeling quite sad about that. It has been wonderful - inspiring, overwhelming, amazing,. A place where dreams come true and disability is lost in ability. Where people say - see what we can do not what we can't. To see people making the best of what must be for many the worst thing that could ever happen to them. I have loved it. I hope this does change our attitude to disability. 

Thankfully Chloe and Ed are keeping me informed about the marathon. They got up very early and are by a feed station near Embankment sending regular updates. 

I have had a yucky start to the day - being very, very sick. I think this is the sign that I have done too much this week. I am still not good at building in rest times and tend to keep going until I have to stop. I am going to try and do that in the weeks ahead! Maybe!!!! I continue to be so grateful for my life and want to live it to the full. So this week includes, our church older peoples tea, shopping, helping a friend sort, flower arranging at church, ladies who lunch and bible study, tutoring restarts and lastly on Saturday I am meeting up in London with the girlies I trained with  33 years ago. Oh dear am I really that old! Today will be a quiet day - hopefully! 

So the day has arrived. I have a real life author guest blogging here on my blog. her name is Stephanie Butland and she has just launched her new book 'Thrive The Bah! Guide to Wellness After cancer'. I first came across Stephanie when searching for bloggers who wrote about breast cancer. I loved the way she wrote with a wonderful sense of humour but also writing it as it is. I was delighted when she wrote her first book 'How I Said Bah! to cancer'. Her second book 'Thrive' has come at just the right time for me as I move from just surviving cancer to thriving. I am so glad she is part of my life. 

1.          Can you tell us a little bit about yourself

I’m the author of ‘How I Said Bah! To cancer: a guide to thinking, laughing, living and dancing your way through’ (Hay House 2011) and ‘Thrive: the Bah! guide to wellness after cancer’ (Hay House 2012).

I live in Northumberland near the place where I grew up. (I did live in London for 20 years, which I really enjoyed, but it’s good to be home.) When I’m not writing, I train thinking skills and creativity throughout Europe, and work with individuals to help them to think more effectively. In my spare time, I knit, spin, read, bake, walk on quiet beaches, and try to be a good mother, wife, auntie, sister, godmother, niece and friend.

2.    When were you diagnosed with breast cancer and how are you now?

I was diagnosed with a breast cancer in late 2008. Since then I’ve had surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and drug treatment. I will keep taking some drugs until May next year, and will be officially in remission in November 2013. As far as I’m concerned, though, I’m thriving.

3.    Why do you describe it as a ‘dance’ with cancer?

I think language is so important in all that we do, and so much of the language around cancer is frightening - battling, fighting, winning, losing. As someone who is, essentially, a bit of a wimp, I decided to find a better metaphor. Dancing usually involves pretty shoes - and you’re unlikely to die of dancing. So I decided I’d dance with cancer.

I’m still very careful with my language. I’ll never talk about ‘my’ cancer because I don’t want to attach it to me; I talk about ‘a’ cancer rather than cancer; and if you look at the covers of my books you’ll see that the c-word isn’t capitalised.

4.    What made you decide to write about your ‘dance’?

Initially, starting the blog was a pragmatic approach to keeping lots of people informed about how I was doing. But very soon I realised that writing was helping me to cope because it was helping me to process what I was going through. And the feedback I started to get told me that I was being useful to others dancing with cancer. Cancer made me feel useless in so many ways - feeling that the blog was helping others helped me in turn.

5.    Tell us a little about your new book ‘Thrive’

Cancer treatment is hard and it takes a lot out of you - physically, mentally and emotionally. There’s a point at which the medical profession is more or less done with you, you’re considered one of the lucky ones and left to get on with it.... and you are probably in worse shape than you have ever been in your life. That’s the point where this book begins. It’s meant to help you to get from the place where you have survived to a a place of genuine wellness. It uses practical exercises, thinking strategies, visualisations and suggestions for you and your friends and family to help you thrive.

6.    What 3 things could you have not lived without during your treatment?

Ooh. That’s a tough one.

Abstract answer: love, support, information.

Food answer: chocolate milk, cornish wafers, rice pudding. (Please don’t take that as dietary advice. I put on an awful lot of weight!)

Time-well-spent answer: knitting, reading, blogging.

Good-for-the-soul answer: beaches, tiny godchildren, sleep.

Helping-with-treatment answer: hypnotherapy, massage, that thing I can’t remember the name of to do with pressure points in your feet.

Keeping-hold-of-me answer: my family, working, friends who remembered that I was still there underneath the baldness and the medical stuff.

7.    Has your dance changed you and if so how?

Yes and no. I don’t think I’m radically different, but I am more ‘me’. I feel as though my dance with cancer gave me the opportunity to find out what was important in life and embrace it. So things have changed: we moved to Northumberland, I am very careful about how I spend my time, I consciously appreciate the people and things that I love.

     8.What does the future hold for you?

Well, my first novel ‘Surrounded By Water’ comes out in early 2014, which is super exciting. I’m writing a second novel at the moment, and that will come out in 2015. I plan to continue writing and hope that people will continue to read my work. I hope to remain cancer-free, and keep on thriving, until I die at the age of 103. (I will be found in a hammock in the sun, in a cherry-red swimsuit, having just finished reading a fantastic book and drinking a glass of good champagne.) 

Here is my review of Thrive 

THRIVE The Bah! Guide to Wellness After cancer

written by Stephanie Butland

This is the book that every woman should be given when finishing her breast cancer treatment. Stephanie encourages you to move from just surviving after treatment to ‘a place where you are thriving’ She uses a variety of different activities to help you including visualisations, meditations and practical exercises. Her sense of humour shines through the pages but she doesn’t shirk the hard issues understanding the fear that it might return…  ‘but I do feel fear nipping gently at the edges of my heart’. She helps you to look at your ‘dance’ with cancer and to reach a place of rest where there is acceptance that what has happened, has happened, and life is moving on now’. There are many helpful suggestions for those who support a partner or family member learning to thrive after cancer. I am sure that this book would be very helpful for them too. I am learning to ‘walk in the moment’; enjoying what each new day brings and this book will certainly help me on my journey

Stephanie's blog is http://bahtocancer.com/






Download your copy of ‘Thrive : The Bah! Guide to wellness after Cancer’  for Kindle etc...here:http://amzn.to/OBFmjK

Download your copy of ‘How I Said Bah! to cancer’  for kindle etc...here:http://amzn.to/O4FcAM

Buy  your copy of ‘Thrive’ here: http://amzn.to/NsCIKh

Order your copy of ‘Bah!’ here: http://amzn.to/Sr9yBK

Tomorrow Stephanie will be found at Jo http://gapyearsthebook.blogspot.co.uk/

Thank you so much Stephanie for sharing a little of your story with us. I can't wait for your new book to be published and will be one of your first readers. 

Hynde brothers on the starting line 

Swimmer with her legs 

Written details on post below!

Jumping into the pool 

Me and the Orbit 

Josh and me in the stadium 

Track, screen and flame 

he's the man! 

David Devine in 800m 

Waiting for the touch in the relay 

Team USA relay 

Team South Africa - with Oscar 

The Orbit at night 

The stadium lit up 

Sorry it has taken so long to post this - I am recovering!!! I will post some photos later. Please come back tomorrow for my guest post from Stephanie Butland

Life isn’t about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.

This quote above sums up yesterday – the best of days.

Despite an early start we managed to miss the train at 6.30 and had to change our plans and go via Reading. Not a good start! However all our plans for the rest of the day went well – except that I left our large collection of union jacks at home and they had run out in the Olympic park!

We arrived at the park and went through security with NO queues despite 80,000 people going into the stadium and 17,000 going into the aquatic centre plus the park day visitors etc… amazing organisation. I was quite tearful just entering the park and seeing it all in front of us.  We had a quick visit to the massive shop in the hope of getting a flag – we could have bought a flag from any country except GB! But I did buy a lovely, cosy Paralympic hoody which came in very useful later when it got chilly.

We met up with Josh at the entrance to the Aquatic centre. Our seats were in row 4 about half way down the pool – perfect seats. The action got started really quickly but it took a while to take in what we were seeing. Missing arms and legs, shortened limbs and poor muscle control. So many different starts in the pool and so many different techniques to enable these swimmers to do their best. Sitting around us were family and friends of many of the GB swimmers. When they came out onto the pool side the sound was deafening. We had Ollie and Sam Hyndes’ parents directly behind us wearing t-shirts with their photos on. The hardest to watch was the S2 backstroke race for the most disabled swimmers. They were amazing, each swimmer needing 2 people to help them get in and out of the pool. I can’t imagine what it takes each day for them to train. It was amazing to be there, the atmosphere was fantastic. The swimming came thick and fast with Paralympic records also coming thick and fast. There was great commentary so it was easy to follow what was happening. All to soon it was over.

Leaving the Aquatic centre – again very well organised – we went off to find lunch. Despite the huge crowds we managed to find a picnic table and I had the most yummy salad, Josh a sandwich and Paul curry and rice.

In the afternoon I went to find our hotel and to have a supposed sleep. Josh and Paul walked around the whole park taking photos so that I could see what it was like. Our hotel was about 10 minutes walk from one of the gates into the park. It is a lovely brand new hotel with very cheerful, helpful staff. As you can imagine I was much too excited to sleep but I did have a rest and watched wheelchair rugby. Wow they are so fast in their chairs! Paul and Josh came and joined me after their walk around the park – Paul for a shower and Josh for a sleep.

After a lovely meal in Las Iguanas we headed back into the park. Again, straight in through security despite huge crowds. And more tears! My first view of the stadium – wow! The designer did an amazing job to make a stadium which is both huge and intimate. The sound tells you there are 80,000 people but it feels so much smaller. Our seats again were wonderful. 6^th row from the front close to the long jump pit and just around the bend from the flame. The huge screens did a great job in allowing you to watch all the details whilst watching the action on the track in front of you. Directly in front of us the athletes were warming up for the long jump for athletes with cerebral palsy or other muscle conditions. This continued for the whole of the session along with 2 javelin events for wheelchair users and partially sighted athletes and shot put. Very quickly the first race was out on the track – 100m heats and our first view of Oscar Pistorius and Jonnie Peacock. The noise in the stadium was deafening. I wish I could adequately describe the atmosphere when one of the GB athletes was taking part – it felt like the whole stadium might lift off the ground with the sound echoing around as they ran. I have never been anywhere to compete with it – it was amazing. Again the races came thick and fast with little gaps. The organisation was smooth and efficient. All the officials for the races walked around the stadium in ordered lines, carrying stools, stop watches and clipboards. The little minis sped around the field collecting the javelins and score boards recorded all the action. I loved every second of it. David Devine did an amazing job getting the bronze medal in the 800m right on the line, cheered home by the crowd, and Bethany Woodward getting the silver in the 200m T37 were highlights. Bethany’s victory lap took ages as she had to stop for medal ceremonies and for races! But my favourite events of the whole evening were the relays. First the T11/T13 – for partially sighted athletes. This race was run in almost complete silence until the last changeover so that the athletes could hear their teammates shouting at them. We were told to be quiet and the crowd almost without exception were silent. Then the roar after the last changeover was deafening. Some runners were running with guides so the changeovers were quite chaotic. Then out on the track came the T42/46 relay and our second view of Oscar. We had watched the officials earlier taping the track in front of us and now we were watching the athletes getting ready. This relay is done by touch as some athletes don’t have hands to carry the baton. Why don’t all relays? The stadium went crazy as soon as this race started – Pistorius was on the last leg for South Africa. I so wanted them to win so that Oscar could have his first gold from these games. You wouldn’t believe how fast they are running, some on 2 blades – wow! I am especially amazed, as I would struggle to run at all now with all my joint problems. Gold for South Africa!

Leaving the stadium I felt such a mixture of emotions sad that it was over but so, so thankful that I had been well enough to be there. It was the best of days. 

 These photos aren't very good as they are photos of photos. But they are of 31 years ago! Our wonderful wedding day - in some ways it feels just like yesterday - in others it was a life time ago! It was another beautiful sunny day. 

who could have guessed what our lives would have been like - especially the last 3 1/2 years. 

I have posted the photos today but our wedding anniversary is tomorrow. But tomorrow we will be with Josh at the Paralympics. As you can imagine I am beyond excited. Swimming in the morning and then the stadium in the afternoon. I am so thankful to be well enough to be able to do this. Thankful that I can make forever memories. There will be tears! This is the moment I thought I would never see when I lay in the hospital bed so very ill with tubes for dialysis and pipes for oxygen and machines everywhere. 

We are staying in a hotel which is also a special treat. I will look forward to breakfast on Thursday - my favourite part of staying in hotels! 

Be ready for my detailed post when I come back - there will be so much to share with you!! Then Saturday my guest blogger - yippee! 

And here we are in September - where did the summer go? I am sad not to be going back to school this week. It feels like it was a life time ago that I last worked. I can remember going into school the day after I was diagnosed and explaining to the headmistress that I would need to have some time off to cope with the treatment. Who would have thought that would be the last time I would work? I used to love September going back with new notebook and pencil case, meeting up with colleagues and hearing about their summers and starting back with routine. As ever I love plans and I miss the routine of work. 

Having said all that I wouldn't be able to watch the Paralympics this week if I was working. This week is full of Paralympics - I am loving it. On Wednesday we are going - yippee! We have swimming tickets in the morning and athletic tickets for the evening - in the stadium. We have booked a hotel for Wednesday night so that we can enjoy every moment of Wednesday evening without worrying about catching a train. I can also have a sleep in the afternoon to help cope with Wednesday evening. I am excited! 

So this week - lots of Paralympics, helping a friend sort, new glasses (hopefully), flowers and getting my boy ready for school. (Ben goes back to school on Wednesday) 

My thoughts are with my friends returning to school. 

Welcome to any of you joining me from Stephanie's blog http://bahtocancer.com/. She is going to be my guest blogger next Saturday and I am very excited. I will also be reviewing her new book Thrive. She is a real life author and I feel privileged to have her in my life.

Below is an interview I gave at my church which tells some of my story. For those who know it already you can give this a miss!

Tell us a little bit what has happened to you over the last 2 ½ years?

In August 2009 I went to see a Rhematologist following 3 months of swelling in my hands and feet. I was diagnosed with RA given a steroid injection and a drug called methotrexate to control the disease. Methotrexate takes about 8 weeks to work and in the meantime I took steroids. I went home from that appointment slightly scared about the future. In the next 2 weeks the disease went out of control – it attacked my muscles, I could hardly walk and couldn’t eat, my skin became very tight and I came out in strange patches all over my legs. I also developed a superficial blood clot. I returned to the Rhematologist who said that the disease had changed into a rare autoimmune disease helpfully called mixed connective tissue disease which affected joints, muscles, skin and sometimes organs. I was very ill and very scared at the speed of the disease. We then had to wait for the drug to take affect. The steroids I was taking are amazing drugs but they have major side effects – I seemed to get them all. I became paranoid, scared of everything unable to be left alone at all. It was an awful time. I struggled to see God in this and we prayed very hard. I kept verses by my side in bed and songs written out to sing in the night time when the panic overwhelmed me. Thankfully after about 3 months the drugs began to work. I started back at work very slowly in March and my life was getting back to a new normal.

At the beginning of May I noticed that my breast wasn’t looking right and I went to see my gp. She examined me and said she thought it was fine but I was still worried so  we decided that she would refer me to the breast clinic where everyone was very sure it was all fine but sent me for a mammogram. On the mammogram they found a lump and immediately did an  ultrasound the area and a biopsy. We waited a week for the results and I came to terms with what I was sure they would say. I know that many of you had been praying for me at this point and I was very peaceful as I went for the results. I was told I had an aggressive form of breast cancer, which would need a year of treatment.

I had the great privilege of having both a Christian surgeon and oncologist who have been so supportive.  It was decided that I would have chemo before surgery. I began treatment on 10^th June (Chloe’s 21 st birthday). I was ready for the side effects had my bucket and my scarves. Over the weekend I became iller and iller. I couldn’t climb the stairs and I couldn’t walk across the room without being puffed. By the Tuesday I was feeling really ill. Paul took me to hospital where they did a blood test and admitted me for a blood transfusion.. I had the transfusion and they did another blood test before sending me home. I will always remember the oncologist coming into my room to tell me that they had found that my kidneys were really struggling. I had scans and blood tests and eventually at 10..00 on Thursday evening I saw the renal consultant who told me that my kidneys had completely failed and that I needed to have dialysis urgently. I was fitted with a line directly into a vein in my neck and began dialysis. During the next 21/2 weeks I saw many Drs while they tried to work out what had happened.

Dialysis for anyone who doesn’t know about it is where a machine basically washes your blood filtering out the unwanted waste and controlling the minerals within your body. It takes about 4 hours 3 times a week as a minimum. It leaves you feeling very poorly. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I left hospital with a line in my chest and a probably diagnosis of acute renal failure caused by the skin condition scleroderma part of the autoimmune disease. It was unknown whether the chemo or the steroids I had with the chemo were the cause.

For the next year I had a total of  9 months of chemo, 4 weeks of radiotherapy, a mastectomy and lots of physio. All the while carrying on with dialysis 3 times a week. I finished my breast cancer treatment in June last year just in time for Josh my sons wedding. I lost my hair twice and had quite bad side effects as because of my kidney disease there are many drugs that I can’t take. At that time I asked the renal consultant if it was possible for my kidneys to recover. She told me that after a year of dialysis it would not be possible for my kidneys to recover and that I would be on dialysis for the rest of my life or until I had a transplant, which is not allowed until you have been clear of cancer for 5 years.

We began to plan for home dialysis, I learnt to insert my needles into my fistula and we started to get a room ready. At the end of October the renal consultant came to see me in dialysis. It was a very ordinary dialysis session but an extraordinary day for me. She said – ‘ I have been looking at your recent blood results and they are very good – I think your kidneys maybe recovering and I would like to stop dialysis to see. I was completely silent and didn’t know whether to believe her or not. I have not had dialysis since then. My blood results show that my kidneys are working at about 20% enough for my body to cope without dialysis. They had no protocol for me as they said this just doesn’t happen. Every Dr I see is amazed by what has happened and talks about it in terms of a miracle and that I have angels watching over me.

What has helped you through your journey?

When I had the breast cancer diagnosis I had over 100 texts in a day. I couldn’t keep up with them. So I began a blog – this has been a fantastic way of recording God’s faithfulness. I can look back and see his footprints all over my journey. It was a great way of letting people know what to pray for and for working through what was happening to me. I also couldn’t have managed with out my wonderful supportive family and friends. Especially my church family who have fed us, accompanied me to dialysis, kept my vases full of flowers, prayed for us, supported us, listened especially to me as I have worked through all that has happened. Verses written out became very helpful reminding me on days when I struggled that God keeps his promises even when it doesn’t feel like it.

What have you learnt?

I am completely changed. In September 2009 Julian came to visit me and as we chatted I told him that what I wanted from this journey was to know God, to know him whatever happened and to know that he is right with me. Julian read this to me :

Do you not know? 
Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, 
the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, 
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD 
will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40

This is what I have clung onto. My worst day was when I had a kidney biopsy and my lungs filled with fluid and my oxygen levels dropped dramatically. That night I lay in my hospital bed listening to the oxygen being piped into my body and thought OK this is it. I may die now -  I am so ill. I have to decide do I believe that God is here in this moment or not, do I believe he is in charge or not. Is he sovereign over all things?  It was pivotal in my journey – I became sure that night this was his journey for me. He had allowed this to happen and he would walk beside me holding my hand. It wasn’t what I would have chosen for me, for my family or for my friends but it was what God had allowed and I now had a choice – to hold on very tight to his hand or to let go and cope on my own. I chose to hold tight to the hand of the creator of the world who loved me enough to allow his son to die for me.  People suggested that God doesn’t let us go through more than we can cope with but I believe differently.  Sometimes he  does ask us to go through more than we can cope with on our own but with him beside us giving us the strength and guidance we can get through and from my experience we can get through with real joy. Early on I decided that if this was my last few months on earth then I needed to make the most of them. To treasure each and every day and to find joy all around me.

Has it been easy since then?

No. I decided early on I would be as honest about my journey as I could be. I have had good days and bad days. Maybe more like bad moments when I have been overwhelmed. Paul has taken the brunt of those bad moments when I have been full of self pity and groaned and moaned, particularly when using my bucket! But I can honestly say I have never felt that God has left me or that this hasn’t been his plan for me. I have sad moments when I think that I may not see my children marry or meet my grandchildren. But I know he has numbered my days and nothing can change that. I love my life every moment of it but I am sure of eternity. People have said I am brave or courageous and I am not either of these things – in my natural self  I am scared of lots of things, I am impatient and grumpy  and I had always thought that given a cancer diagnosis I would fall apart. I struggle like most of us do to pray and I can easily slip into self pity. Please don’t think this is because I am in any way different. But God has sustained me by his word, he has given me his promises to cling onto and apart from a few moments ever since that night in the hospital I have not been afraid. This has been his gift of grace.

Why not complete healing?

I have thought a lot about this. I believe God heals and that he could have made me completely well. But he chose to allow me to have to trust in him on a daily basis.  I carry the scars of my journey – many of my joints are damaged, I have a mastectomy scar and my arm carries many scars. I can’t stand up and sing at the same time as I may have some damage from the radiotherapy to my lungs. I have regular blood tests and I have to eat a special diet and I have to inject myself with a drug to tell my body to make red blood cells, – all this reminds me that God is in charge. Early on I read  that anxiety and trust can’t live together – if I am anxious I am not trusting. I now have to choose to trust that God is in charge – he will choose when I will die, whether I need to go back on dialysis and whether the cancer returns – it is all in his hands. My job is to trust him, holding on tight to his hand thankful for each and every day that I am given.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side,
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change, He faithful will remain…
Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end