Blood results....

So almost 3 years after I went into renal failure I have had my last renal appointment. Wow! My blood tests have come back stable so I won't need to go back to the clinic. It's hard to put into words what that feels like. So many time I was told that my kidneys would not recover and that this was my life - dialysis for 5 years and then the possibility of a transplant. But here I sit - no dialysis, no transplant and no clinic appointments. My kidneys are working at a stable 20% and as long as none of my other diseases rear their heads above the parrapet or I don't get a nasty infection and need drugs which affect my kidneys I should remain stable for a very long time. That is truly amazing! 

This afternoon I see the GP and together we will make a plan for keeping an eye on my kidneys while getting on with my life. I am hoping that will involve some regular blood tests so that we don't get any surprises and obviously keeping a check on my blood pressure. So much better than having to go to the hospital though. I will continue with 6 monthly apointments for rheumatology and oncology, who will keep an eye on everything as well. So I am in safe hands. Of course I will also have my own little baby Dr!

As the sun begins to shine and maybe Spring is at last here I am reminded of the promises of God all that time ago in the hospital bed after I had a kidney biopsy and I was feeling the illest  that I had ever felt. . He didn't promise to make me well, or to take away the problem .............

This is what I have written about that day..........

Kidney biopsies are performed under a local anaesthetic with the patient lying on their front. You then have to remain lying flat for a further 3 hours to prevent bleeding.  My Aunt and Uncle had arrived for a visit not long after the biopsy was performed so had to spend their visit chatting to me while I lay completely flat and still. After about 2 ½ hours I began to feel quite unwell. I was attached to a monitor of my oxygen levels and it began to show low levels I then began to struggle to breathe. I was quite scared. The nurse arrived with an oxygen mask and decided to sit me up slightly. Thankfully this eased my breathing slightly. It was decided that lying flat had caused the excess water I was carrying to gather on my lungs and that was causing the breathing difficulties. I needed to have dialysis urgently to remove the excess fluid. So a further 4 hours of lying flat. I don’t think I have ever felt as ill as I did that day.

Paul and Chloe left me that evening quite late once the dialysis had finished. I was still attached to the oxygen and could hear the swashing of the oxygen entering through the tubes in my nose. The tears rolled down my face in the darkness. I thought OK this is it. I may die now -  I am so ill. I have to decide do I believe that God is here in this moment or not, do I believe he is in charge or not. Is he sovereign over all things?  It was pivotal in my journey. I had read a lot of books when I had first become ill about suffering and although they didn’t provide all the answers they had certainly directed my thinking. Now it was time to put them into practise. If God is sovereign then he is sovereign over all things. That meant that although he hadn’t chosen this pathway for me he had allowed it to happen. His promises filled my head that night. He promised to never leave me or forsake me. He promised to walk beside me every step of the way. I became sure that night this was his journey for me. He had allowed this to happen and he would walk beside me holding my hand. It wasn’t what I would have chosen for me, for my family or for my friends but it was what God had allowed and I now had a choice – to hold on very tight to his hand or to let go and cope on my own. I chose to hold tight to the hand of the creator of the world who loved me enough to allow his son to die for me. That night I decided that if these were my last days on earth then I wanted each one to be full of joy. I wanted them to count.

Since that day I have been sure that He has never let go of my hand. He has always been with me even in the darkest of days. I have had just enough light for the step I have been on and no more. I can't see into the future and for that I am grateful. But I can live each day i have thankful for the day and making it count.  Sometimes I forget this and become a moaning, groaning, grumpy, Minnie but it doesn't take much to remind me how thankful I am to be here living each day.