I am feeling a bit Thursdayish today. I would like to spend the day here, not at the hospital. I would like to go for a walk in the woods and kick leaves. But hey ho hospital is what I am doing.

Yesterday I managed to walk up to school and have coffee with everyone. It was wonderful. I felt so welcomed and missed. The staff room at coffee time is full of chatter and laughter- just what I need.

I am aware of Autumn germs surrounding me. My friend who was due to come for coffee didn't and another friend is in bed with a cold. I am grateful for your prayers for Ben who is now much better. I am aware that I am vulnerable with my up and down blood count and need to be sensible without becoming paranoid about it.

Josh comes home tomorrow which is great and I get to spend dialysis with him. Lovely time to catch up with all his news. And Strictly starts - yippee!

Today I am hoping to go into school for coffee. I haven't been in this term at all so I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I am also having a friend for coffee this afternoon. And all being well I am hoping to go to housegroup this evening. I hope I have enough energy.

Yesterday dialysis was fine. I enjoyed spending time with my friend. Ben has returned to school today.

Yesterday turned into a craft day. I had fun making cards and sewing. I am so glad I have so many different things in my life - I have no time to be bored. It is amazing that although I spend so much time sitting my life feels full of good things. I am grateful for so many things that i thought I would list them - hope you can all list things you are grateful for

• my family
• my friends
• my home
• my church
• my school
• Jesus holding my hand
• the changing colours of Autumn
• twinkling lights
• my warm blanket
• my computer
• my nest! (for those who don't know that is what we call my sofa and stool)
• my phone
• my garden and its changing colours
• sorbet
• bed and rest
• Drs and nurses
• my hoover and friends who hoover for me
• my patchwork and cards

The list could go on and on. Isn't it good to remind ourselves of the good things we are surrounded with. When we focus on these things it is easy to be content with our lives.

Today brings dialysis and time spent with a friend.

Ben remains at home but is getting better - thankfully. I am Ok - watching my temperature.

Tomorrow is 4 months since I was diagnosed. It feel so much longer. I have almost forgotten what normal life feels like! Ben is poorly at home with temperature. Please can you pray for him and for me that I don't get whatever it is. This is the week my blood is lowest so I am vulnerable to infection. We will put all the usual precautions in place.

Today is a pootling day - a bit of this and a bit of that! Chloe has gone back to a day on call and she has to present her first patient- very exciting. Josh is coming home at the weekend so I am looking forward to that.

So now we have no internet for a week! But we do have a 'dongle' whatever one of those is! So please don't worry if I don't write on here every day - I am ok. Just not connected.

Yesterdays dialysis zipped past as Chloe and I chatted and played games. It is so lovely having her home. Today I am off to church and then home for slow roasted lamb - if I can manage it. Sickness still present and eating not very good - but hey ho it will be better soon.

Chloe is here - yippee and 4 hours just the two of us what a privilege. We have quizzes and games to do and I expect lots of chat about her week. This week she has seen little patients and learnt masses already. How her brain can hold all this information I don't know.

Its lovely to see the sunshine after the rain this week.

Dialysis today and then 2 days off - hurrah. I am still feeling sick but coping. Only 1 more on this regime to go.

Hope your weekends are full of sunshine.

Started the day by being sick but better now. Dialysis fine yesterday and I had a lovely visit with R. One of Chloe's friends came to visit before dialysis which was lovely. I really appreciated her giving up her time for me. We had a great chat about schools and EPs. She is off back to Oxford to do an MA. I hope she has a great year.

Today I am going slowly as you may gather by the time I have written this post! I am hoping to go to bible study this afternoon with a lovely group of ladies. We are discussing 'Church' and what it is or should be - interesting.

This evening my lovely girlie comes home. I am really looking forward to seeing her.

This verse has struck me recently

'because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.'

I am definitely learning to persevere and that is leading to a change in my character and I am sure that brings about hope.

I missed the sister of the chemo ward yesterday. Usually I am taken onto the ward within 5 mins of arriving but yesterday we waited 2 hours. I was very grateful for my Kindle. Chemo was OK and the nurse who administrated it knew all about me. We then had to wait for half an hour for my tablets. All in all a long morning. I am very grateful to the sister who has protected me from long waits in the past. Hopefully she will be back from holiday next month.

I was very sick last night and absolutely exhausted. The chemo is having more effects now. However I continue to remind myself if it is having these effects on my body hopefully it is also killing cancer cells.

Today dialysis with a friend popping in. I am hoping not to be sick during dialysis.

Chloe comes home at the weekend - I can't wait to see her. She has had a good week so far actually seeing children. Ward round this morning - hope it is not too scary.

Chemo number 5 today. I am not looking forward to the sickness but glad we are progressing towards the end of chemo. With each one I am closer to the end!

Yesterday was lovely despite being a dialysis day. Usually I arrive at dialysis at 12 which means that there isn't much of a morning before I go, by the time I have got ready. However yesterday the unit rang and asked me to go at 1 which gave me more time so I did what every girl would do - I shopped! My friend D took me to M&S and we had a lovely time. I bought some lovely tops to go with my new trousers. It was the first time I had been to M&S since I have been ill - maybe the longest I have gone without M&S in my adult life!!!!

Dialysis went well. I was put on the new machines that have recently arrived which are very clever. They can adapt the treatment to various levels in your blood. It is all way above my head! I also saw the oncologist who came to visit me on the ward. My blood results are good particularly my haemoglobin - hence my new found energy.

Better be off to start the day - with my bucket!!

What a lovely way to start the day with singing. Ben has been singing and playing his guitar - a joyful start to the day. I struggle with the fact that I am not a good Mum at the moment. Our lives are so centred around my illness and treatment and it makes everything revolve around me. I miss just being a normal mum.

Yesterday was another good day. I cooked breakfast (making the most of being able to eat) and cooked tea for the first time in ages. I had coffee with a friend and looked at her beautiful holiday photos. In the afternoon I went out to Holme Grange ( a craft village locally) where we sat outside eating ice cream - yummy!

Today I have dialysis which another friend is taking me to. I am so grateful to all my friends who fill my life. Thank you.

Tomorrow chemo number 5 - ho hum.

I have had a lovely weekend and I have a tidy and clean lounge - yippee! It was lovely spending time with Kit. And I managed a cooked breakfast- my first in 4 months. I am making the most of eating better in these last few days before chemo again on Wednesday. It is coming around quickly.

I am reading a book about how God knows my name. How amazing that the creator of the universe knows me by name and my name was written on his hands when he died. That is love. And that is the God who holds my hand along this journey. He is the parent who allows his child to go through difficult times knowing that they will learn through it and come out the other side a different person. But all the time there to catch them if they fall. I am aware of his hands surrounding me - ready.

Today brings friends for coffee and possibly a visit out this afternoon if the district nurse has been.

Yesterday was WONDERFUL. Unbeknown to me Paul and a friend had cooked up a wonderful surprise. Every year for the last 7 years a group of us who all trained at the Royal Free hospital have met up in London around the date that we begun our training 32 years ago. This year I had said that I wouldn't be able to come. But rather than leave me out they decided to have the reunion in Reading at the hospital. So when I arrived, sitting on the seat in the corridor were my 4 friends. It was such a surprise I had no idea. Paul did such a good job of keeping the secret. They then took it in turns to sit with me throughout dialysis - and we chatted catching up on all our news. What a delight! They had come from Scotland, Norfolk, Liverpool and Chelmsford. Instead of a lovely meal as we usually have they had M & S sandwiches! It was a really lovely afternoon. Kitty then came at the end of dialysis to meet me and has stayed the night so we have time to chat. What a lovely weekend. Thank you girlies for all the effort you made to come and visit me. I really really appreciate it. Thank you Izzy and Paul for organising it.

I now have a lovely morning with Kit and a cooked breakfast. What more could a girl ask for.

It's my day with Kitty - yippee! I am looking forward to seeing her and catching up with her life. She is going to be running a 10k race for cancer research soon and has been working hard.

Yesterday I had a 'busy' day. The coffee morning was lovely. I felt so normal just being out with friends. In the afternoon I went and had my photo taken and then shopped in Tescos - the first time in 3 1/2 months. It felt good to be doing normal things. I needed a sleep afterwards!!! My wig came in very useful as nobody stared at me or felt sad for me.

Today dialysis - ho hum.

Oh what a beautiful morning! It is so lovely to wake to sunshine even though it is a bit chilly. Today I am off to a church coffee morning with the girlies. This afternoon I am having my photo taken for my driving license - a job I have been putting off as I will have to have it taken with my wig. It will be strange to then have that photo for a long time.

Yesterday's dialysis went well. I had 3 units of blood and I have now changed colour from white to pink! Unfortunately I was quite sick in the evening - maybe a reaction to the blood. But this morning I am much better.

This weekend Kitty comes - yippee! Hope you all have great weekend plans.

I had a lovely morning with my friend C yesterday. She is teaching me lots about patchwork but also about the use of colour and how you decide on material. It is great fun. My patchwork cushion is coming on slowly but it is looking like a patchwork - yippee. Paul bought me a kindle yesterday and I love it. It is a device for storing books and then being able to read them. It is perfect for dialysis as i can hold it in one hand and turn the pages. I can read the paper on it and it will store 3,000 books - wow! I am one happy reader!

Today - dialysis. I have a friend coming to spend some time with me which is wonderful. I will also be able to use my kindle to occupy me. I am feeling much less sick now - just in time for more chemo. However the yucky taste remains. I am glad to know that it is working though and that there is a purpose to the yuckiness.

I am reminded today 'right here is good'. In this moment, in this place with all that is happening, life is good. I feel so privileged to be finding so much joy in each day. Surrounded by friends and family each day brings new things.

My last post details the 'new plan'. I must say I will be glad to finish chemo either in 6 weeks or 3 months. It's attack on the body is certainly not to be underestimated. I am looking forward to eating again and enjoying my food, to going places with out a bucket, to being able to walk to the park and to being able to tidy my own house. Not huge things but ones which I have so taken forgranted in the past.

Today brings coffee with a friend and the next stage in my patchwork.

So we have a plan! It is a half formed plan but it is a plan. I will continue with 2 more lots of FEC the drugs I have been having. While that happens my consultant will investigate the possibility of using a drug called Abraxane. It may not be licensed yet to be used in this country but it is used in America. The advantage of this drug is that I won't need to have steroids - yippee! At the same time he will discuss surgery with the surgeon with the possibility that I may go straight to that after 2 more FECs. If that happens we will keep Abraxane as a drug to be used in the future if necessary.

Unfortunately I was unable to have the blood transfusion today so it is planned for Thursday. I will hopefully be feeling better for the weekend when Kit is coming.

Yesterday brought lots of sitting due to my lack of energy. Just sorting the washing into piles exhausted me! So I sat and sewed and finished my patchwork centre for my cushion which actually looks like patchwork. The district nurse came and changed my dressings including my fistula dressing which I managed to get wet when I forgot I wasn't supposed to put my arm in the bath! Bathing with no arms is tricky as you can imagine.

Today I have a friend coming to dialysis with me. I am looking forward to catching up with her summer. Paul and I then have a meeting with the oncologist to discuss the next plan. Really praying for wisdom for the Drs as they decide this next step. I can't quite believe it is only 3 1/2 months since this all started - it feels like a lifetime ago I sat in the clinic to be told I had breast cancer.

Chloe has begun her placement in Paeds with lectures to prepare them for seeing children in hospital. Josh has settled really well into his new job and is loving it. Ben is slowly settling back into school life. I am proud of how all 3 are coping with this traumatic time in their lives.

Today I read this on a blog

Two women met for coffee.
They talked about life—
things they were working through
and things they were learning.
They showed each other grace
and gave each other courage.
Even though neither of them
had all the answers,
they knew that God sure did.
So they laughed and cried
and shared their lives.
And in the end,
when their mugs were empty…
their hearts were full.

and it is so often what you are all bringing to me. You share your lives with me and I am so grateful. I am glad we don't know all the answers as it might be too much to cope with.

Yesterday was a really lovely day. I went to church with Josh and Paul. Then we went over to Saville gardens for lunch and a walk. The lunch was lovely the boys had roast dinner and I had salad. We managed to sit outside despite the wind. We then walked around the gardens enjoying the beginning of the autumn colours and the ending of the summer ones. It was the first outing for the wheelchair that Paul has bought on ebay. It is very comfy and enables me to get out and see the world!

Today brings dressing changes and tidying (as much as my low haemoglobin allows) I am very puffed now and hoping that I will have a transfusion tomorrow. We are meeting tomorrow with the oncologist so would appreciate your prayers for wisdom for the decisions that need to be made.

Today begins beautifully. I hope it continues so. Lovely sunshine coming in through my bedroom window. Thank you for your prayers about my pain it has now gone - hurrah! Hopefully it has done its job and my white blood count should be rising again. All being well I should have a transfusion on Tuesday and I will have a better red cell count as well. My poor body is being battered.

Today brings church and hopefully lunch at Saville Gardens with Josh and Paul. It will be lovely to spend some time with Josh as he has been quite busy since he has been home and I have not caught up with him.

Mixed results from ultrasound yesterday. The lymph glands are significantly smaller but the lump itself is the same size although the consultant felt that the edges have shrunk. We shall see what Dr C makes of it on Tuesday.

I have had a yucky night as I have been in lots of pain caused by the injections I have to increase my white cell count. It causes pain in my pelvis and legs and even quite strong pain killers don't seem to work. I have also been very sick. Thankfully I know that the pain will ease and probably be better by this evening.

It is lovely waking and knowing all my chicks are in the nest. Josh is off to watch Reading play this afternoon and Chloe is coming to dialysis with me. She is then staying to watch the first episode of strictly - yippee! Then she is off to a party which is being held in Henley and is to be a festival. She is very happy as she gets to wear her beautiful new wellies.

So it's Friday again - this week seems to have flown past. I am so glad the days go quickly. Today Josh and Chloe come home. I am looking forward to seeing them both and having all my chicks here in the nest!

I have finished my book 'Plan B'. I am so glad that at the end he says that he doesn't have the answers as I think this side of heaven we won't have. But he does echo my experience that we grow most through our Plan Bs especially if we hold on tight to His hand. How can we little human beings know or understand the plans of the creator God who sees and knows all things and is outside time. My journey is also made so much easier by those who travel with me sharing their lives and giving me time.

Today I have an ultrasound and mammogram. Glad to be doing those as we will then be able to decide on a plan on Tuesday.

Yesterday was so much better than I had thought it would be. I managed to tidy and dust my bedroom before collapsing in a heap!!!! It looks so much better. Paul calls it my hotel room! I then had some lovely visitors from school. It was so lovely to see them and catch up with their summer news. It encouraged me to get maps out and work out where all these places were - my geography is appalling.

Today brings dialysis on my own. I have a film to watch and a book to read and my knitting to carry on with. My arm is feeling much better and I only have 2 more days of swaddling. The 'thrill' continues to grow and I can feel it further up my arm.

Having another sick day today- ho hum! Just when I think it is getting better it starts again. Eating is still very difficult mainly due to the yucky taste and sore mouth. I am not eating very much at all. However it is only 1 week since chemo so hopefully it will start to get a bit better soon.

I spent a lovely 2 hours with Ben at dialysis yesterday. He beat me twice at Chinese Chequers having just learnt it - I put it down to my dialysis brain! I also spent a lovely hour with my friend catching up on her news. We learnt how to feel the 'thrill' in my arm which is like a strange buzzing feeling as the blood rushes through the new join. Very weird! As long as I can feel this the fistula is working. I also had a visit from 2 lovely medical students who had been sent by the renal consultant to look at the scleroderma in my hands and to find out what else had been happening to me. They asked lots of questions and took a good history. At the end they asked if they could send their friends! So I think I will be seeing a few medical students. It's kinda nice to be helping them and I am hoping there are other people helping Chloe. She continues with her week of introductions to placements. She is aware that she has a huge advantage having spent a year working in a hospital. Today they will be learning about blood taking which she can already do.

We are to have a full house again at the weekend. Chloe is coming home to go to a party with Ed and Josh is coming home to go to Reading match - how yummy!

Ben has reluctantly gone back to school today. He is not looking forward to this GCSE year. No singing this morning - oh dear. I will miss his singing and his morning chats.

My week of hospital visits continues this week with an ultrasound and mammogram now booked for Friday. Then next Tuesday we will visit oncologist after dialysis to come up with the next plan.

Today brings a 'nothing' day. This is good as the week has been busy so far. I am hoping (energy and arm allowing) to do some tidying and try and catch up on the washing. I am missing school and wish I was there. Hopefully I will be able to pop in next week - blood tests allowing!

Typing with 1 hand is interesting. My arm is quite sore today- not surprising after nearly 2 hours of being poked around. I have a lovely swaddling bandage over it as it has to be kept warm. I am so relieved that yesterday is over and praying that this fistula takes well. It would be wonderful not to have to have any more surgery.

Ben is coming to dialysis today for a while. So I am looking forward to spending time with him. It will be the first time he has come. My lovely friend is coming after work and picking me up so I won't have too long on my own today - yippee.

It is done - hurrah! All went very well. The staff at the Churchill were lovely and looked after me very well. The consultant who operated was a sweety. He spent a long time investigating my veins under a local anaesthetic and decided to use a different vein than he had planned. This means that if it works and it develops well I will not need any further surgery. It also means there is another vein available to use at a later date. The surgery took about 1and 3/4 hours. I had a lovely christian nurse looking after me telling me all about his boys. He has decided to take them out of school and home school them. We had an interesting chat! I now have a slightly sore arm wrapped in swaddling as it has to be kept warm and protected for 5 days. I have to listen with a stethoscope twice a day to hear what is called the 'thrill' as the blood rushes through the fistula. As long as that continues the fistula is developing. Overall the experience was very positive. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers.

The highlight was when he explained to the SHO that as I was a young woman I might have need of the fistula for 40 years! Wow what a thought!

29 years - wow! In some ways it doesn't feel that long and in other ways it feels like always. I can't imagine my life with out Paul, he is my rock.

Today we have church and a church lunch. I am looking forward to spending the time catching up with people. If I have enough energy maybe we will try out the new wheel chair that we have bought from ebay.

Yesterdays dialysis went well. Joy and Matt popped in to see me which was lovely and helped the time to go very quickly. I also managed to teach Paul how to play Chinese Chequers which will be fun in the weeks to come. He has Chloe's competitive streak when we play games so I think I will need to watch out.

I won't be posting tomorrow morning as we leave at 6 to go to Oxford to have the fistula fitted. I will be pleased when that is over. Please pray that it is straightforward and that my vein and artery behave.

The sickness has improved thankfully although my mouth is still very sore. I am looking forward to knowing the plan - as ever!! Then I will be able to get my head around the next few months.

Paul is much better thankfully. We so appreciate everyone's help over the last few weeks. It has been lovely to see you all - THANK YOU.

I have found this session of chemo and its side effects a bit more tricky. I have been sicker and felt sicker than before. It has been hard to go back to the very sore mouth again and everything tasting like metallic toothpaste!! However we continue to laugh a lot and I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself for long.

I sat yesterday in the garden and read for ages something I haven't managed for a long time. It was lovely - just wish I could have been able to drink something long at the same time! I also had a lovely lunch brought to me by a wonderful friend. These warm September days feel like an extra treat.

Paul and I celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Paul certainly deserves a medal for putting up with me for 29 years and especially for holding us all together over the last year. He has been a star.

Chloe is settling back into uni life and has reorganised her room ready for the busy year ahead. We have begun discussions about where she will go for her elective next summer. She is keen to see medicine in a third world country - so if any of you have contacts please let us know.

Josh has settled well into his new job and is happy to have Debz living down in Brighton now. He is coming back next weekend - yippee!

Ben returns to school on Wednesday to begin his second year of GCSEs. He remains my singing boy which hopefully will continue once he is back at school.

Today I hope to return Chloe's room to its former glory!! Maybe a bit of sitting outside if it is warm enough before dialysis and then ho hum 4 hours of lying on a bed!

Another beautiful day. We have been so lucky with the weather this last week of the holidays.

I had a lovely start to the day yesterday when I went out for coffee with friends and a visit to the farmers market. It is my first visit to Wokingham in 3 months. It felt good to do something before dialysis as often I feel that is all I do in a day.

Dialysis was fine until the end when something happened to the machine and they couldn't return the blood that was in the tubing. It is not a lot of blood but I do feel I need all of it! I have continued to be quite sick which is a nuisance.

I am feeling the pull of school as the teachers return for an inset day. I wish I was going back with them. I am so lucky to have a job I love amongst a group of people I love to work with.

Chemo was fine yesterday but I was sick on and off all day despite taking tablets. Ho hum!

Lovely catching up with friends yesterday and hearing all their holiday news.

Today brings coffee out with friends - very soon! Then dialysis with Chloe for the last time for a while. She goes back to uni tonight. I will miss her.

I managed 3 1/2 hours of dialysis on my own yesterday Paul coming for the last 1/2 hour. 4 hours still seems such a long time! I try and persuade them that 2 hours would be enough but they won't have it! I am sure for many of you 4 hours spent quietly on your own would be a treat. I am learning to be still!

The meeting with the oncologist went well. He is pleased with the progress I am making. The skin involvement is almost gone and the lump is smaller. We discussed what happens next and came up with a plan. I have the 4th chemo today and then have an ultrasound in the next week or so. He will then discuss the results with the renal team and decide what to do next. We will then meet with him in 2 weeks to decide what happens next. There is still some concern over the involvement of steroids (which I would have to take with the new drug) and the kidney damage. I would still like to follow the original plan! Please pray for wisdom for all concerned.

I feel slightly more reluctant about chemo today just because I have taken longer to recover this time and know what it will entail. Dr C has given me different mouthwash for my mouth in an attempt to enable me to cope better with the sore mouth. If I have the new drug then I am half way through my chemo.

Paul is recovering from the labyrinthitis slowly and managed to drive in the afternoon yesterday. We will be thankful when he is able to drive normally again.

We are on a countdown to Chloe going. She leaves tomorrow evening after dialysis. I will miss her so much. She has been my constant companion and my own mini Dr! However I am so excited about the next phase in her course and looking forward to hearing all her tales. She will be home in a month for the weekend. Wonderfully Ed is taking her stuff down at the weekend which will save Paul driving to Southampton. I will miss him too as he has been so much part of our lives this summer. We enter a quieter, tidier stage at home!