Lovely day yesterday - despite the rain. Church was good. Then Saville Gardens - began raining as we were driving but we decided to continue hoping it would stop. We had lunch there in a very busy cafe with everyone coming into eat as we arrived! We then decided to try walking a bit in the rain and I managed to walk to the temperate house. It was lovely seeing all the buds and bulbs along the way. The promise of spring is wonderful. I love that Spring ALWAYS comes after Winter as it does in life.

Thank you to F for the beautiful daffodils waiting on our door step yesterday.

Today a quiet day waiting in for our new washing machine. The washing is piling up. Also hoping to do a bit of tidying. How quickly it gets untidy. So glad not to be doing dialysis today.

Yesterday I had a pity party - I forgot joy in each day and just felt sorry for myself. Sometimes I need reminding to look for the joy instead of seeing the problems. During dialysis my computer ran out of batteries towards the end of the film I was watching, the needles hurt more because it was a different nurse, the bleeding took ages to stop, my phone was running out of battery etc, etc, all little things but they made me grumpy. I went to bed still feeling slightly grumpy - why me! But when I woke in the night I remembered - why not me. It is so easy to fall into a pitiful state when actually life with all its fullness is good. Each day there is SO much to be thankful for and I so easily forget. I am thankful to the creator of the world for all he gives me each day - I just forget.

Today church and Saville Gardens for lunch. Hopefully daffodils.

Its raining cats and dogs!! Yucky! I so love the sun and the way everything looks better in the sun - even dialysis! Papageno is fascinated by the rain splashing onto the windows. He sits watching it fall, every so often ducking if he thinks it will fall on him! He is so ready for the outside - its just us that isn't.

It was good to talk to the chap who is going to have a transplant this week about heaven. He asked if I believed in God and I was able to chat with him a bit about my faith. It is interesting that when faced with surgery how our minds turn to questions of eternity. I was reminded that there will be no more pain and suffering in heaven and no more tears. I still choose life here right now though.

Today - dialysis with a different nurse needling me. This is a real test for my fistula.

What a beautiful day yesterday - the sun makes such a difference doesn't it.

Dialysis went well yesterday - 2 needles in and they were blunt ones - (they are supposed to be blunt). This means we have just about done button holing. On Saturday a different nurse will needle me and if that is ok we will say it is done. Then in about 2 weeks I will have my Tess line removed. That will be slightly scary as there will be no other option but to use my fistula when I have no lines. I was next to a man yesterday in dialysis who is having a transplant next week from a donor he doesn't know. What an amazing gift to give someone. He is excited and scared all mixed up. His life is about to change considerably. We were discussing all the things he will now be able to do.

Today - shopping in M&S with C really looking forward to it.

I can just see the sun beginning to colour the day - yippee! I woke early greeted by a little black cat so delighted to see me. Trying to purr and miaow all at the same time. I continue to be grateful for new days full of possibilities. I am so glad to be alive and living the story God is writing for me. It may not be my plan but it is his and I am trying to live it to the full, grateful for each new twist and turn. Some days are easier than others!

Today starts with physio and then dialysis. I am reading a book which I can't put down and can't imagine how it will end. I am so glad I can read again and love disappearing into a story imagining the world it takes you to.

Yesterday I had a lovely coffee out with a friend and then also managed a trip to Waitrose. I think I may be recovering from the radiotherapy. Tomorrow a trip to M&S - lovely. I have a voucher!

This is my 300th post - wow!

Yesterdays needling was ok. They tried a blunt needle on the first button hole but this didn't work so back to sharp needles for now. Still hurting quite a bit but settling down slowly. One of my fellow dialysis patients has died - very sad. I will miss her and her lovely devoted husband. They were a real picture of love - both in their 80s and always together. I am not sure how he will cope without her.

Today - out to coffee with a friend and PIC line flushed this afternoon. I love non-dialysis days.

I have a beautiful tidy downstairs thanks to my 2 lovely sisters. It looks so much better. I do love a tidy house. Just need to tackle upstairs now. I also had coffee with my lovely friend CC. It was fantastic to see her beautiful house and made me wish i could de -clutter my house. I am such a hoarder.

Todays appointment with Ben went very well and finishes a chapter in his life. It is lovely to have Ben back. He has so many plans for half term not sure how he is going to fit it all in.

This afternoon dialysis with D. Hoping to feel ok throughout this time. Also hoping needling is less painful.

Please be praying about chemo. I have an appointment with the oncologist on 7.3.11. I am so hoping he will have sorted out the funding by then and that I will be able to start very quickly so there is more chance of finishing before Josh's wedding.

Lovely busy day yesterday. Church, lunch out, children filling the house, lovely visitors and homemade scones and clotted cream for tea. Felt very sad when Josh and Chloe went back last night. They fill the house with noise and people.

Today Kitty is coming to help clean my house - yippee! And after an early start I have already sorted my wardrobe and taken out all the clothes that don't fit me at the moment. I am then going to coffee with a lovely work colleague. I am really looking forward to seeing her new house.

If I am late blogging tomorrow it is because I have an early appointment with Ben.

Forgot to mention how handsome my boys looked in their suits for the wedding - I just can't wait, so excited.

Computers are wonderful when they work but mmmmmmmmmmmm. Still I am very glad to have my husband who sorts it out.

Yesterdays needling went well but I was poorly in the middle of dialysis still not quite sure what happened but I was very sick. Glad to have Chloe with me to hold my hand.

Today church and then out to lunch - lovely. Why do weekends go so quickly?

My boys have gone off to look at suits for weddings. Wow! I can't quite believe I have a child old enough to get married. We shall see what they come back with. How exciting! It is beginning to feel real.

Yesterday was good. All my chicks home and chatting. I love having a full nest. I wish it was like this every weekend!

Today Josh ( for a bit) and Chloe are coming to dialysis. So games and a film I think. Hopefully needles successfully again. And tomorrow lunch out for Ben's 16th birthday - where did those years go. It seems no time since I was standing outside school when my waters broke!

Another grey day - ho him. So looking forward to sunny days and spring.

Yesterdays needling went well. I am now the proud owner of 2 pegs in my arm. Lots of singing as the needling for the second needle was very painful but the first one was fine. Glad that is done hopefully that is the worst over as my arm begins to build up tissue around the holes. It felt strange not to be using my lines. They may be able to be removed before I start the next lot of chemo which would be great as they are always very worried about infection especially when my blood count is very low.

Paul's concert was a real joy. I was so glad I was able to go. Chloe managed to come too and Matt drove us. We really enjoyed it.

Today ladies who lunch and bible study and then Josh home. All my chicks home for the start of half term. We are hoping to go out for lunch for Ben's birthday on Sunday as a family - lovely.

Chloe is home - a poorly girl. She is battling a kidney infection and feeling quite poorly. Thank goodness for antibiotics.

Yesterday was lovely just not having to go to hospital. I also saw a friend for coffee that I hadn't seen for ages which was lovely.

Today 2 needles all being well. Then home for a sleep before going to listen to Paul sing in his first ever concert. I am a proud wife!

Early start to the day with physio. Beginning to notice the difference each time I go now.

I am now the proud owner of a peg in my arm holding the fistula open. Although it was painful the needle went in well and we had no bleeding - yippee. So that is one done, next time they will put both needles in. I am glad we are getting on with that as it means I am nearer having my Tess line removed from my chest. Which will be one step closer to having all lines removed and much less risk of infection.

Chloe is on her way home as she has a kidney infection - ho hum. Think she needs a warm cosy bed, good food and no stress of work for a bit.

Mmmmmm needles today maybe. Will be glad when that is done. They are going to try establishing one at a time. Hopefully I won't make such a mess this time!

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to tidy and clean my bedroom. It looks so much better although still cluttered! I also managed to hoover down stairs with a bit of help. It felt good to be able to do something even if it was only a little bit. I didn't manage the ironing though - maybe tomorrow.

A lovely sunny morning - a good to be alive day. Happy Valentines Day to you all!

Yesterday was a truly nothing day. Glad for a new day.

Today I am hoping to tidy a bit and maybe tackle a bit of the huge ironing pile. I am frustrated living in such a mess. I would love to spend a whole day cleaning - ho hum! I continue to need to learn patience - do you think I will ever learn?

Today I am so grateful for a husband who loves me so much and tells me daily both in his words and his actions. He has had so much to cope with over the last 18 months but he remains my rock, solid and dependable. I am also so grateful for the love of my beautiful children who also tell me frequently that they love me and show me in their actions. All that has been thrown at us just makes us closer and stronger. I am so proud of them all.

Hopefully this will direct you to Josh's giving page. he is running the Brighton marathon in April for Cancer research. I am very proud of him as he has had so many problems with his shoulder and back since he was attacked. He is following a good training regime and getting on well. If you feel you are able please sponsor him.

Thank you

josh's page

www.justgiving.com

Today I am going to stay at home all day! I am stopping - maybe a duvet day - maybe a nothing day. I am exhausted glad for a day to catch my breath and breathe. I am so grateful for my home and my family.

I had a lovely time at dialysis with Joy and Matt yesterday. It was lovely to catch up and watch rugby at the same time!

I have been challenged by the book I am reading ''One thousand gifts - a dare to live fully right where you are'. I am reading it with an online book club and the author discuses each chapter as you go along. This week the chapter talks about grace- thanksgiving - joy. Grace - the gifts that God sends to us (sometimes seen by us as good and bad things but they are always sent for our good). Thanksgiving - we should then be thankful knowing that it is God's grace that allowed this to happen and that this will then lead to joy. That joy is us living life to the full as God intended. This is hard to do especially when what is happening is not what we would choose but what a difference it makes. Joy - in the depths of our sadness- amazing.

Sorry late again! On a go slow morning. Wishing I could stay at home all day rather than doing dialysis! But hey ho!

Dialysis today with Joy - sure we will manage to fill 4 hours talking!

Just finished chatting with Josh - he is going to run the Brighton marathon for Cancer Research. I will put up a link to his page when I work out how! If you feel able it would be lovely if you could sponsor him. He is training hard which is wonderful considering all the difficulties he has with his back.

Chloe is going to Brighton today to try on bridesmaid dresses with Debz. I am sure they will have fun together - wish I could go too. I am looking forward to hearing all about it later.

Must be off now to get ready for the day.

Having a slightly overwhelmed morning. I love life and every so often my thoughts turn to what if it ends soon. And I am sad. I am sure you can all imagine what that is like. I am assured that my name is written on His hands and that my future is secure but............ I love my life even now. I allow myself a couple of moments of sadness and then on to the day!

Today - pink! We are having a lunch together dressed in pink. I am looking forward to spending time with my lovely friends. Bible study today is about love - how appropriate for this time of year. I am aware how much I am loved - what a privilege.

Glad Ben's mock exams ends today. he hasn't been too stressed by them which is good. He is returning to being my singing, smiling boy again.

Physio today was good. I am beginning to feel the difference as she loosens my scar and works on the muscles. I feel I am cheating as I just lay there! We have a lovely chatter too. A good start to the day.

Yesterday was great. It was so lovely to finish radiotherapy. I was delighted to be able to tick that box. Paul and I went out for a lovely lunch. I had 2 starters which really suites my little stomach. Came back to a sleep with Papageno.

Today I have dialysis with G. Wish it was a day off but hey ho! Pink day tomorrow.

So its here - last day of radiotherapy and another box ticked. I am very glad to have come to the end even though the treatment hasn't been hard the travelling back and forward to the hospital has been. It has highlighted the illness and reminded me constantly that I am ill. I am looking forward to a month of doing normal things before the chemo starts again.

I remain thankful for so much though and I am a different person because of this journey. I am so aware that God walks with me holding my hand, never letting me go. He knows the number of hairs on my head - yes even my newly growing hair! Thats how much he cares for me.

Yesterdays dialysis was fine and I had 2 units of blood and turned pink before their eyes! I always feel a bit strange as I have the blood thinking of the kind person who donated the blood so that I can live. It is strange to think it had been circulating in someone elses body before mine.

Today radiotherapy and then lunch out with my lovely husband - all being well.

Tomorrow very early physio so post may be later .

What a beautiful morning after yesterdays grey. When I woke it was sparkling with icy frost and now there is a beautiful, blue sky. The birds are singing and spring is around the corner. I am writing this in my cosy bed with my lovely kitten curled up next to me. He likes to lie with one paw resting on the keyboard - helping!

I am so tired - I feel like I could sleep for a week and still be tired. So looking forward to having days at home. Hopefully a blood transfusion today that should help. My life seems to be dominated by illness at the moment. I am looking forward to more time doing other things. On Friday ladies who lunch are having a pink party to celebrate the end of my radiotherapy - hurrah!

Yesterdays radiotherapy was fine although we did have to wait a long time in the company of a lady who moaned. It made A and I very aware of how different our conversation had been before she arrived and how glad we are that we look for the good in life. What a difference that makes to our attitude to situations.

Today dialysis with D and blood transfusion ( all being well)

T sent me this recently " ... There's a bulletin board in the Mayo Clinic which reads: 'Cancer is limited: it cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot erode faith, it cannot eat away peace, it cannot destroy confidence, it cannot kill friendship, it cannot shut out memories, it cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul, it cannot reduce eternal life, it cannot quench the spirit, and it cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.' "

This is so true it has no power over any of these things unless I let it. My journey shows this. When I allow fear in then my peace is stolen but I have an awesome God who reminds me constantly He is in control not the cancer and not the kidney disease. A good reminder for a grey Monday morning.

Church was good yesterday - it was lovely to see everyone and be part of the 'family'. I struggled to sing though - when my haemoglobin drops too low I don't have enough puff to sing!

Today penultimate radiotherapy - hurrah. I am looking forward to not going almost daily to the hospital.

Hope you all have happy Mondays!

I am so sorry I didn't blog yesterday. I am ok just very tired. I started the long day with radiotherapy. It went well and it was great for Chloe to see what went on. Its not something she will cover in her training so it is good to see it first hand. She was surprised by the amount of checking and double checking of all the figures. Reassuring I think! We had a lovely chat with 2 ladies who were finishing their radiotherapy that day - both excited to be coming to the end of their journeys. It is good to know I only have 2 more to go - just wish that was the end of my journey too.

We then went onto dialysis. It was lovely to have an unexpected visit from Kit on her way home from a friends house. We enjoyed spending time with her.

Today (all being well) church with Chloe and Paul and roast dinner with Ben, Chloe, Paul, Ed and me.

I am so tired - when I wake I still feel like I am in need of a whole nights sleep! This is a combination of things - radiotherapy, almost daily trips to the hospital and very low blood count. The nurses cross matched my blood yesterday and hopefully I will have a blood transfusion on Tuesday.

Hope your week end is going well.

What a grey morning. I am so looking forward to spring and days of sunshine. It was so lovely to see the sun shining in through the windows of the dialysis ward yesterday, almost promising that spring and summer are around the corner. It is lovely, even though the day is grey, to hear the birds singing now in the mornings.

Well today is not turning out as I expected. I have just had a phone call from radiotherapy to say that the machine has broken down and could I come tomorrow instead. After a bit of negotiating I have managed to arrange to go at 10.50 so that I can then go straight onto dialysis. Hope this works out ok. Ho hum! It does mean that Chloe gets to see the radiotherapy which she has wanted to do.

Today I now have a morning free I am going to try and tidy a bit. Then ladies who lunch and bible study. Chloe home this evening and Paul off to London. A lovely day.

Sorry this post is so late. I had a physio appointment early this morning and then I came home and tided for a bit before going to dialysis. I am now in dialysis writing this. They have decided to postpone using my needles until middle of February when a suitable nurse will be around for a whole week. I am not too concerned as I am not keen to do it again anyway!

I saw my oncologist yesterday as he will be away next week when I finish radiotherapy. he is pleased with the way I have coped with radiotherapy. Unfortunately he said that he is still waiting to hear about funding for the new drug from the PCT. It is now looking likely that I will only just be finishing chemo when Josh gets married or I may still be having it. This is quite disappointing as I so wanted to be well by then. They will try and work it out so that at least i am on a week where I have the least side effects. It would be horrid to spend the whole day being sick! I am so looking forward to it.

Well I managed options evening. I felt quite yuck but at least I managed to go and was a Mummy! Not sure Ben completely appreciated it - the art teacher hugged me! He now needs to make the decisions about what subjects to take. Please pray for him as he decides. The teachers were very supportive.

Today radiotherapy - 4 to go. Nearly there and then this boxed ticked!

So February has arrived with a very grey day suitable for this dismal month!

I enjoyed coffee at work yesterday. It was so lovely to see everyone and to hear them all chatting. As time goes on I feel less part of their world. I also discovered that I am no longer being payed - I knew it was coming as I have had so much time off over the last 18 months. I now have to see Coperate Health and see what the next steps are. At this point there is no way I could work especially with at least 3 more months of chemo to go. Ho - Hum!

Today - dialysis with D followed by Ben's options evening. I am just hoping I can manage it. I so want to be a normal Mummy!