Just enough light for the step I’m on – I need to listen to those words and not try to step onto the next step too soon! This week I have continued to learn what it is like to live beyond treatment. I am still anxious about the bone scan - concerned it might show up something and my life will change again. It would be wonderful if it is clear and I can get on with this new life. please pray for Monday 12.00 that they are able to get a needle in and the dye in and that it is clear.

I have missed blogging – I miss sharing my thoughts in writing. Working through the issues with you all. I continue to work at the issues of suffering and why God chooses to allow those he loves to suffer. I am learning so much and have realised that our lives are about so much more than we think they are day by day. It is so easy to get lost in apathy – just dealing with the trivialities of the day ahead. We don’t see the big picture and we don’t see eternity. I think that is why sometimes God allows us to glimpse the big picture and to see how tiny our daily struggles are. If only we could live each day with the big picture in view – how different our attitudes would be, how different our conversations, our relationships.

I have enjoyed my week – being busy.

Sunday – I drove to church on my own (Paul was in London) lunch with my Ben boys outside in the sunshine

Monday – tidying, visiting the library and Holme Grange

Tuesday – Dialysis

Wednesday – Lovely trip to M&S, spending my voucher

Thursday – dialysis with Kitty, meal cooked by me with Matt, Joy, Kitty, Talia, Chloe, Ben, Paul and me. We lost Papageno after the meal and then spent almost an hour trying to find him in the dark – don’t want to do that again.

Friday - tidying of Ben's room ( a big task) cooking for Ed and Chloe and watching Harry Potter ready to see next one on Sunday.

The week ahead is busy with nice things, BBQ, Harry Potter, bone scan (not so nice), dialysis (also not so nice) meal out with Chloe and Ed and then my girlie goes to Uganda next Saturday. I expect that there will be a lot of packing and unpacking! I am looking forward to the sunshine. It is a shame that I can't usually see the outside from dialysis - I will imagine that I am gazing at fields, rivers, lakes and mountains all glistening from the sun.

Today Mark is coming with me to dialysis. i am looking forward to catching up with his news and the girls news.

I hope you all have wonderful weeks planned - I know lots of you are going on holiday this week or returning from holiday. Do share your holidays with me - I love to hear and see photos of them. I can at least live a little through your eyes.

So I have started my new life. It seems strange to be doing it without you. Thank you for all your messages and emails etc... telling me that you are missing me. I really appreciate that you have been making this journey with me.

This week has included very normal things - ironing, tidying, washing ( I have nearly found the bottom of Chloe's washing), cooking, shopping, hoovering. All in little doses but at least i am doing them.

I have also been out to coffee and to the end of term BBQ which was really lovely. I can't tell you how much I miss you all. Thank you very much for the token for M&S - how well you know me. Another chance to shop!

I have had some broken nights this week - feeling anxious about the bone scan and really praying that it will be OK. I so want some time to be well. I am reading a book about sin and how anxiety, worry and frustrations are all sins as they all show we aren't trusting God. It is hard when you have had bad things happen to trust that no more will come your way or if they do that they are part of God's plan for your life. I continue to work on these things - maybe it is my lifes work!!!!!

In dialysis this week I have managed both needles and I am learning how to attach myself and programme the machine. It is good to be in control but to have the nurses there for back up.

My boy is back from his honeymoon and learning about married life. They both sound very happy. I am really looking forward to going to see them in a few weeks.

This week holds church, shopping, renal consultants visit, more tidying, washing, and of course dialysis. I am also hoping to pop into the holiday club our church is running for about 250 children. I feel sad not to be part of it. Although I have lent our lego etc... do you think that counts? I am so glad that the weather has cheered up for it.

I hope you all have great plans for your week. See you next Saturday.

Had to wait for an hour and half to see consultant, not sure what had happened but as ever i felt like I was his only patient. He examined me and said everything looks fine. We then had quite a discussion about whether I should have another attempt at a bone scan and decided that it would be a good idea - with the understanding that there is a good chance it may come back abnormal due to my joint problems which will then need an MRI scan to follow up. I am also going to have a bone density scan and a mammogram. So that's August taken care of as I spend the next few weeks at hospital appointments! I will then see him again in 3 months with a phone call to let me know about the test results.

So that's it - me done!

Thank you to all of you for travelling this journey with me. I will try and post on Saturdays certainly for the short term as it would be hard to have no contact!

I can’t quite believe this is it. My last day of daily posting. It will be strange not to be posting every day and to know that you all know what I am getting up to. Thank you so much for sticking with me through thick and thin. I am so grateful for all your thoughts, prayers, cards, flowers, cakes, messages, meals, presents, visits ,lifts, emails etc….. You have all helped make a very difficult year so much easier. I will miss your presence in my life. But this is my step into the future and into a more normal life. I intend to continue to blog on a Saturday for now – just to keep in touch! Over 28,000 times people have logged into my site to see how I am – that is truly amazing that people are interested in my little life. I hope that I have encouraged you to see that illness doesn’t have to mean disaster and that you can find joy in each day. That maybe in dark days you too can reach out for a hand to hold and find that He is faithful.

I began with this passage

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40

It has been the passage I have clung to and at times I have soared and had strength even when I have thought strength wasn’t possible. I still have moments of fear and sadness that this has happened to me but I do trust that it is part of a bigger plan that one day I will understand. Please know that my testimony is that our Father God is with us in the darkest of days. He holds our hands and his promises are true. He will never leave us

I am so glad we don’t know our futures – how scary that would be. I am learning to be content with this day and all it holds. To find joy and laughter with my friends and family and to be thankful for all things.

I wouldn’t have chosen this journey but I am so grateful for all I have learnt along the way. I don’t know where this journey leads but I trust that all things are in the hands of the Father who loves us.

There is so much I wished I had said and I wish I could let each of you know how valuable your support has been. It feels a bit scary to be walking without you each day holding my hands.

I will post again this evening to let you know how my 6-week check (at 7 weeks) goes and then that will be that. I am praying that there are no hidden secrets to be told.

Yesterday was magical. Everything went very well. We had a lovely lunch in a pub near to Tate Britain. The watercolour exhibition was interesting with some wonderful paintings and some - mmm rubbish ones! A walk around the south bank and its food festival was great. Some tasting and some buying. Then the Railway Children which was really wonderful. i encourage everyone who loves the story to go. We had wonderful seats which felt like we were part of the story. As predicted I cried when Bobby says - 'My daddy, my daddy'. Such a poignant moment.

Today - physio and lunch with a friend. Also sleeping, to catch up after the weekend!

I have just read back to a year ago and am amazed at all I have been through to reach this point. It has been a tough year but here we are about to have my 6 weeks check. I am grateful to God that he has carried me through these trials and that I am now out the other side beginning to see what my life will look like. It is very different to my previous life and I feel like a different person. Dialysis unfortunately shapes my life and takes up huge chunks of my days. I am slowly learning patience but it is slow! I am trying to make the most of my non- dialysis days and have nice things to do at dialysis.

Today we are off to London - lunch, Tate Britain and The Railway Children. Just a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been even able to contemplate one of those things. I am so glad to have more energy.

My appointment is on Tuesday after dialysis - please pray that all is well. I am anticipating that I will be started on a new drug which I will then take for 5 years. It will come with new side effects to get used to - ho hum!

A week ago we were just finishing breakfast and looking for safety pins and plasters - all essential at weddings! I will know in future! So glad this was not the weather we had woken to.

Yesterday was lovely -I so love non-dialysis days. My evening was very quiet though with everyone leaving me for more exciting pursuits. Paul enjoyed his first prom - number 2 today. I have managed to find a lift - thank you C.

Today - dialysis, maybe I will manage my needles first time again.

I have been thinking a lot about holidays as I have been listening to people chatting about theirs. It is hard to think we won't be going for the second year. Hopefully next year we will be able to go. We are trying to organise nice things to do for Sunday and Mondays which is the closest I get to a holiday!

Tomorrow Chloe and I are going to see The Railway Children at Waterloo and also hoping to go to Tate Britain to see the Watercolour exhibition. On Monday I am having lunch with a friend.

I did it! yesterday I put both my needles in first time - a-maz-ing! Both the nurse and I were very surprised when blood appeared in the tubes first time. It would be wonderful if that happened every time. I also completely lined my machine with no help - so now to attach myself to the machine after needling - mmm. That is where it gets very tricky. I need 2 hands really but one is full of needles! I will have to work out a way of sitting on the side of the chair. Will let you know how it goes.

CHLOE HAS PASSED HER EXAMS - YIPPEE!. Not that there was any doubts(on my part). So she is now a 4th year. She starts at Oxford transplant centre next week for 3 weeks and then it is off to Uganda for 4 1/2 weeks. Very exciting.

Today - bible study and a meeting with a friend. Paul is excited as the Proms start and I become a Prom widow! It is all go.

I am still in need of a lift back from dialysis tomorrow.

It is my boys 24th birthday today. It will be the first time I haven't spoken to him on his birthday. The time seems to have flown past and it only seems like a short while ago I was tearfully bringing him home from hospital - amazed that they were going to allow me to keep him!

Yesterday was lovely. The leavers concert at school was wonderful. The teachers do a fantastic job at preparing the concert and getting the children to sing so beautifully. The highlight was a little bumble bee who could certainly wiggle her behind! I felt very sad though knowing that i will no longer be part of all that. It has been very hard to come to terms with the decision not to go back to work. I loved my job even though it was hard work. I am so lucky to have worked with such wonderful people. But I need to be able to give my all when I work and not be half hearted and that is what would happen if I went back to work. Dialysis would get in the way and my energy levels would not be enough. I am sure it is the right decision but it is still very hard to accept that life will never be the same again.

Today dialysis with D. We shall exhaust all things wedding I am sure. It will be good to be back into a dialysis routine. It has been strange going with people I don't know.

P.S. I am in need of a lift from dialysis on Saturday afternoon about 4-5 ish. Please let me know if you can help. The proms are starting - ho hum!

Dialysis was fine on Friday. 3 hours is so much better than 4!! Quick packing, last cuddle with Papageno and we were off. Ed drove with a very full car. We arrived in Brighton to clouds and spitting rain – not quite the plan. We had a lovely room overlooking the crashing sea. Ed, Chloe, Ben and Eleanor went off to the church for the rehearsal and setting up. Paul and I stayed behind – having a swim and a walk along the sea. Very peaceful start to the weekend.At 8 pm we met up with the wedding party for a meal together. It was lovely to see everyone. Lots of hugging and chatting and very excited people. Josh and Debz seemed very calm, glad to have reached this point.

We woke at 6 – so excited that the day had finally arrived. Breakfast was yummy – everything that you might need. Getting ready was fun – the hotel helped provide safety pins, plasters, sewing kits etc…. I even had my eyebrows painted on !! At last we were ready and we headed for the church arriving with lots of time to greet people. .I met up with the registrar to discuss my very important role of guarding the marriage certificate. My tears began then – when she was so sweet about Josh and Debz.

1 o’clock arrived all too quickly. And the announcement that the bride was – ‘in the building’. Pacabels Cannon began and the bridesmaids slowly descended the stairs. Such an emotional moment – I am crying again now as I write. This was the day that I thought I might never see. The bridesmaids looked stunning as they slowly arrived down the stairs into the church but wow Deborah and her Dad looked truly wonderful, both with big beaming smiles on their faces. Debz’s smile didn’t leave her face for the whole day. It was wonderful to see Josh’s face as he gazed at the woman who was to become his wife.

The service began with the reminder that this was a serious and important commitment that Josh and Debz were undertaking. It feels like the service went in a flash. As they said their vows I was reminded of the amazing promises we make when we marry, to love this person and this person only for the rest of our lives. I know that both these young people took these vows meaning each and every word, understanding the implications of – in sickness and in health so much better than most people do.

I managed to read my reading without tears. Paul was on standby in case of an emergency! I was so glad to do my bit!

We all went up to watch the signing of the register. More tears and hugging! Then we came back into the church to loud clapping and cheering. An amazing moment to know that they were married after all the planning. Wonderful to see all the people that they love there and cheering them on. Itwill be lovely to see the photo later of everyone who was at the church.

Josh and Debz then left in a flurry of confetti to have some photos taken in a garden. We made our way – very slowly (SO much traffic in Brighton)- to the reception.

On arriving at the reception we had a much needed drink and nibbles. Lovely! Josh and Debz arrived to more clapping. We then proceeded to the promenade for photos. The wind had other ideas – trying to blow us away. I am sure that the photos will be really lovely with the boat masts and the sea in the background. It was lovely to get some fresh air as well. Josh and Debz must have felt like celebrities as they had so many cameras pointed at them from friends, family and passers by!

Back into the hotel for the ‘Wedding Breakfast’. I changed into my lovely scarf and Paul took my hat forsafe keeping. (I love my hat) The food was SO delicious and I was so glad to be able to enjoy it. We had a lovely soft cheese and apple salad, yummy mango sorbet, Beef Wellington, cheesecake and coffee. All very yummy. Shame I didn’t have room for it all. After a chat with people the speeches began. Steve – Debz’s dad was first – recalling Debz as a child and paying compliments to his beautiful wife (who looked stunning in her outfit) . there was much laughter. Josh followed ( and I was so proud of him). He managed to get justthe right mixture of laughter and emotion. He told the story of his proposal on firework night and had us all in stitches. The picture of him down on one knee in a muddy field while Debz ignored him and a lady asked him for a lighter will not be forgotten! They gave me a lovely bag of goodies. Dan and Ed ( the 2 best men) followed with very funny speeches. It was a joyous time.

We then had a little breather while the room was readied for the evening reception. People kept arriving for ages and soon the room was full of people and noise! The band began and Josh and Debz had their first dance ( or smooch) to ‘ Baby you’re a firework’ . People happily joined in the dancing which continued all evening. It was lovely to chat with people(or shout) depending on where I was sitting! I met Josh’s bosses who were charming and lots of their friends. By this time I had taken off my scarf, deciding that a bald head was better in the heat!

I left at about 10.30 having managed the whole day. I was SO thankful to have been there and been able to enjoy every moment - including managing to dance a little.

I am so grateful for all your thoughts and prayers.

Sorry for my lack of posting but life has been a bit busy! I will post tomorrow about the wonderful wedding. It was a magical weekend with so many stored up memories to last a life time.

I am well and have loved every moment of the last few days. I have spent the last 2 days in Southampton after dialysis. Chloe had her scary exam this morning and all seems to have gone well. She has stayed down in Southampton to celebrate the end of a very hard year.

I am looking forward to a quiet day tomorrow, which includes a visit to school for the leavers concert.

2 days to go and 2 lots of dialysis. I am hoping to do slightly less dialysis but the nurses are taking some persuading. Not looking forward to dialysis 2 days in a row but hey ho it will then be time to go to Brighton. I have saved Toy Story 3 to watch tomorrow in dialysis which should be fun.

Yesterday was busy but we managed to sort cravats. I loved having my nails done with A. Thank you so much A - it was lovely. A very peaceful place to be.

Today ironing and packing to finish.

This will be my last post before the weekend. Thank you for all your best wishes, thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful to be able to be here and well enough to enjoy the wedding.

Please pray for the following if you have a moment

• Josh and Debz as they make a lifetime commitment to each other .
• For a sunny day (or at least no rain)
• For all the logistics of the day
• That I'm not poorly during dialysis tomorrow
• For safe journeys for all travelling to the wedding
• For enough energy for me to cope with the whole weekend and enjoy it

3 days. So close now.

Yesterdays dialysis was fine. I spent it with D and Chloe which was lovely. We chatted all things wedding! I got my needle in completely - in the wrong place! Lined my machine with almost no help just reassurance.

Today is a sorting day - Chloe and I are going to try and sort out cravats which have somehow got muddled. Then ironing and more fudge making. We made the second batch of fudge last night which has turned out well. Maybe 2 more lots to go. This evening I am going to have my nails done for the first time and I am hoping to go to housegroup for the first time in ages. At some point I need to get my packing sorted as i have dialysis tomorrow and Friday and then we go. Yippee!!!

Tomorrow will be my last post before the weekend which looks like this:

Friday

• dialysis at 7am
• finish dialysis 11.30ish
• lunch
• journey to Brighton
• explore hotel and walk on beach
• snack
• wedding rehearsal
• family meal with Debz's family

Saturday

• breakfast
• getting ready
• snack
• 1pm wedding service
• 3.15 arrive at reception
• photos
• 4.30 - wedding breakfast
• 7.30 evening reception
• bed exhausted but very happy i should think!

Sunday

Family breakfast

Maybe sea walk

Lunch

Back to Wokingham and Papageno

Monday

Dialysis with Mark

Down to Southampton to stay in hotel with Chloe before her exam

Tuesday

Lovely breakfast

keeping Chloe calm before exam.

Home to Wokingham

Wednesday

sleep!!!!! and look at photos to remember lovely day

Thursday

Dialysis with D

Friday

Ladies who lunch and Bible study

Saturday

Dialysis

Sunday

To London to see The Railway Children

Wow! What a busy time. I hope I have enough energy to cope with all that. Who would have thought that I could even contemplate doing all this until recently. I am so happy to be doing life and doing it well. I am grateful for each new day and each memory I am making. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Must remember to charge the camera battery!

4 days - oh it is getting close now. Need to make sure all the washing is done and everyone has everything they need. Must remember to charge the camera batteries.

Yesterday was Ok. Lovely to have coffee at school. It feels strange now to be back there but not to know what is going on. It is a lovely staff room full of chatter. Lovely to see Joy too. Chloe's exams seem to have gone ok. Just one to go now.

Today dialysis with D.

5 days.

Yesterday was lovely church with a challenge to pray together. Picnic - nearly in the sun but not quite! Lovely to chat together. Paul had made a very lovely picnic. Then Chloe and I made fudge - at last. Only 175 pieces to go!

Today I am going for coffee at school and a chat about work. Then seeing Joy and Chloe will be back this evening from Southampton having completed her first exam day. Today is the day for list making to make sure we have everything for the weekend.

I am slowly feeling stronger. Each day I have a little more energy and seem to be able to do more. However by the evenings I am usually exhausted and I am sleeping well. The movement in my arm is very slowly improving and I can now hoover a bit and hang the washing on the line. I continue with physio which does help. I am still randomly sick which is a pain but connected to the renal part of the disease I think. I continue to be impatient to be well but am grateful that I can do so much more now.

Please see post below for photos from dialysis last week.

Photos Kitty took last week during dialysis and when we came home on my swing seat.

6 days. I hope Debz and her friends had a great Hen night last night. I am sure I will hear all about it later when Chloe wakes up. In 6 days time I will have a new role - that of a mother-in-law. That sounds quite old!

Yesterdays breakfast was great. I think we should have one every Saturday before dialysis. Dialysis was ok I enjoyed the tennis and although my bp was still quite low when I arrived it didn't drop too low. Thankfully.

Today church and a picnic. Paul has bought yummy things for us to eat. Hopefully Chloe and I will have another attempt at fudge before she goes to Southampton for her exams tomorrow.

7 days! Goodness me I am already tearful thinking about next Saturday and I still have 7 days to go. What will I be like by next Saturday? Its thinking about this time last year when I was wondering if I would see any of my children married. I am SO glad to be here and to be getting better and able to enjoy it. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers surrounding this. Debz and Josh seem to be doing a great job organising everything.

Yesterday was a lovely day which started with breakfast in the garden with Kit. All days should start like that - lovely. I managed to tidy a bit and Kitty hoovered so my house is looking wonderful. Ladies who lunch and bible study was great. Chloe arrived back and we caught up on news. I also managed a big pile of ironing - I must be getting better!

Today - ladies breakfast - lovely followed by not so lovely dialysis. We shall see how I manage with higher blood pressure. Hopefully I won't need intervention this time. Looking forward to the tennis.

8 days - wow it is getting so close. And it is now July - where did June go? The count down is now on - Ben has no shoes, lists need to be made, fudge needs another attempt...........

Dialysis was a bit yuck yesterday as my bp dropped and being given fluid didn't work so they gave me something called gelofusine. This was like magic and made me feel better really quickly - thankfully as i was feeling very rubbish and longing to stop. The nurses contacted my consultant who has stopped my bp medication to see how I get on without it.

Today - breakfast with Kit, bit of tidying and washing and then ladies who lunch and bible study. Chloe back from Exeter this evening - hurrah. She is off to Debz's hen do on Saturday. Wish I was going too but just wouldn't cope. Looking forward to tennis this afternoon. Come on Andy!

What a disjointed post - you can tell my mind is all over the place. Hope you all have exciting weekend plans.