Woke this morning feeling slightly anxious about my lung function test. I hadn't really thought about my lungs and cancer but something made me think about it in the night. Although they are looking for scleroderma damaged they could find lung secondaries that I don't know about. It's amazing where your mind goes to at night. Ho hum! I will be glad when it's done. I am also having a blood test while I am there ready for my renal appointment next week. It is the first blood test for 2 months so again just hoping all is fine. This cancer/scleroderma/renal journey is never ending. Need to put my hand into His and hold on.More trusting! 

On a lighter note Chloe and I appear to have made the largest Christmas cake ever. It will feed us all for the whole of January I think! It is going to take a lot of icing. I do hope it tastes nice otherwise we will not be making one again. 

I hope you all have lovely adventy Christmassy plans for the weekend. 

Brrrrrr it's cold! Days like today make me wish I could snuggle down in bed and stay here all day. That is not going to happen! Today is Christmas cake day. I haven't made a Christmas cake for years as I have always been disappointed in mine - but today I am trying again. I am following Nigella's recipe so we shall see. Chloe is home just for the day and is helping. We are also going for our first visit to the flower market to check out the flowers for church Christmas arrangements. And some Christmas making I think. Lovely! 

My hospital  visits begin again tomorrow with a new department - respiratory. I am having a lung function test to check that my lungs are OK and that the scleroderma hasn't caused any problems there. Then next week - blood tests and a renal appointment. Hoping they let me stay on my blood pressure tablets and don't change them. Then just before Christmas GP appointment  to oversee everything. I am also waiting for an appointment for a heart echo to make sure that I haven't got any further damage to my heart. It is all go! 

Sorry for the lack of posts - I have been waiting to download my Christmas market photos and just not got around to it! So I am posting without them and will post them at a later date! 

Winchester Christmas Market is really lovely. I think it is it's setting which makes it - Cathedral Grounds. twinkly lights, wooden huts, crafts of all sorts, mulled wine, stollen, wooden penguins, friendly stall holders, ice rink...... what is there not to like. Well - rain and cold. That was disappointing! As you all know by now I don't do cold. Add in rain and that is a bad combination. But Chloe and I enjoyed our time together but just came home sooner than we might have. 

Sundays food plans all came together well but unfortunately our friends were unable to come after some very sad family news. But it was lovely to see Josh and Debs, Ed and Chloe and Ben. We played board games in the afternoon which was such fun and very noisy. I love having my chicks altogether which doesn't happen very often now. 

This week is full of Christmas business. I have started my Christmas cards, Christmas cooking, Christmas making, Christmas letter writing, Christmas list making but it is all to finish. I am good at starting not so good at finishing! 

Off to Winchester Christmas Market today - in the rain! It would be much nicer if it was a light flurry of snow! But hey-ho I am sure Chloe and I will have a lovely time. It will be nice to spend the day just with her and catch up. She has had 2 out of 3 of her patient history taking exams this week, just one more to go. They have been with patients in Psychiatry which can be much harder than some others as I am sure you can imagine.

I have had an organised week and hopefully I am ready for feeding 12 people tomorrow. I have left Paul with a list! I am beginning to make lists of my lists again - quite like the old normal. My life is feeling a bit like a jigsaw as I squeeze the most out of each day, slotting little extra bits into the gaps. I am trying hard to continue to pencil in rest slots but they are getting fewer!

My blood pressure is now stable - ready for my appointment next week with the renal team where they will probably change it all again!

Today is Thanksgiving in America - what are you thankful for?

As you can imagine I am thankful for so much - especially all those things I used to take forgranted. I will try and make a list - I am sure I will leave things out but this is my today list

• my family
• my wonderful bible study ladies
• my hand held tightly by the Creator
• my friends
• my pussy cat
• my church family
•  my warm bed
• tablets that keep me well
• Ballet
• musicals
• strictly
• books
• prayer
• my garden and my gardener 
• my first cup of coffee in the morning 
• twinkly lights 
• music
• singing 
• flowers and flower arranging 
• a butterfly while we were having coffee
• goldfinches 
• sunny days 
• small people in my life 

There are so many other things - I could be here all day but I have exciting plans. Today Kit is coming and we are going to have a Christmas crafting day. I am feeling very excited about it. Making and chatting with Kitty what could be better?

I am also very grateful for Parents Evening last night - I had gone feeling quite anxious and thankfully it was much better than I had thought. It was also lovely to spend some time with my youngest boy and chat. 

This weekend I am going to Winchester to meet up with Chloe and go to the Christmas market and then she is coming back with me home. Josh and Debs are coming for the day on Sunday along with some family friends. A very busy, happy weekend. 

It is really good that I now don't think about being ill all the time. Sometimes a day will have gone by and it hasn't crossed my mind. Yesterday I drove past the hospital and didn't think about it at all - too busy thinking of the plans I had for shopping. But when I was catching up on a breast cancer forum, I am part of, I had a reality check. One of the lovely supportive girls there, who was coming up to her 5 year check up, was taken into hospital suddenly and a week later she died. It was so sudden she had only be writing the week before about being cancer free for 5 years and wham she is gone. It can be such a cruel disease. It is a reminder to make each day count and to take nothing forgranted. I am tightening my hold on the Fathers hand - knowing all things are in his hands. 

Hall ready for the party 

The 2 party girls 

 Lovely weekend. The party all went very well. I think the 2 birthday girls had a good time. The food was yummy and the hall looked great. All twinkly with the candles.

The first bookstall went well. I always wanted to work in a book shop!







This week - shopping for bits and pieces for our Advent and Christmas flowers, tutoring, coffee with friends, parents evening, craft day with Kitty, flower arranging, bible study, Winchester Christmas market with Chloe and Debs and Josh coming for the day on Sunday so cooking for that.

Lovely week.

lovely food 

The first bookstall at church 

Busy, busy day yesterday - can't believe how much I managed to cram into one day. By 6 in the evening I was exhausted and went to bed! Thankfully it all went smoothly and my list making has definitely paid off this week.

Today Chloe and Ed are flying to Glasgow to see the cycling world cup at the new Chris Hoy velodrome. They are very excited. I managed to watch some of the cycling on the red button last night. What a shame it isn't being covered on the BBC, after the Olympics lots of people are now interested in cycling. However there is a highlights programme on Sunday afternoon on BBC2.

Today I am finishing off bits for this evenings party, collecting bits and finishing off bookstall bits for tomorrow. All in all a bitty day!

See the post below for details - this is Ben's house singing and playing Blues brothers 'Gimme some lovin' Ben's friend Harry is at the microphone. Ben and the other musicians are not in picture but are up the sides of the hall. They sounded amazing! 

Last nights concert was really wonderful. The standard of music was amazing. We heard a fantastic 12 year old oboist, many brilliant pianists, some great composing from 6th formers and  some wonderful singing. Each house had many boys singing which is really great to see. Ben's had 60 boys joining the choir. They won the large ensemble piece. So much hard work for the boys to organise such a large event- we filled the concert hall at Reading's Town Hall. 

Today - I am very tired so after my sorting with a friend I will have a quiet day. 

A still quiet morning - outside my window I can see the changing colours of Autumn and hear a songbird calling. It is very peaceful as I sit here and type. So much to be thankful for. 

Unexpected change of plans today so I am going to use the day to catch up on 'stuff'. I have had more changes in tablets and by taking one in the evening instead of the morning this seems to have made a huge difference. I am more clear headed in the mornings which is lovely instead of starting the day in a fog - I end it in one! Hopefully I will have 2 weeks of stable tablets until I see the renal team and they will probably change it again! Maybe it will be sorted by Christmas - that will be nearly 4 months of 'faffing' with tablets. We shall see. 

This evening we are going to Reading Town Hall to see the Inter-house music competition. I am so looking forward to it. Ben is singing and playing his trombone. I will really miss going to his concerts when he finishes school. Thankfully we have another year after this - all being well! 

Today I read Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
How wonderful to know that God stores treasure for us stored in secret places for us to find when we go through dark times so that we will know that he is God. Isn't that our experience that it is in the dark places that we reach out for his hand and find him there. And in those dark places that is when he calls us by our names - he knows us individually by name how amazing is that. We should be on the lookout for those treasures when we are in the dark times. 

Recently I have had sudden thoughts of - how did I get here? How did all this happen? I think it is part of the 'getting better' process. I don't think about being ill all the time and sometimes forget all about it and then it all comes flooding back and I am so surprised. At times it now feels like it has been a very bad dream and I will wake and it will all be back to how it used to be, although my body shows me by the scars I carry that it isn't. On Sunday it will be 2 years since I had my surgery and all visible signs of cancer were cut away. I suppose some of this process is a grieving for my old life and learning to accept this new life., although I am still able to do more now than a couple of months ago. I really miss working and especially the people I worked with but I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to work again. I am filling my days now and this week ahead is very busy which is great. I even now have to write lists of what to do each day to get everything done (that is just like the old days). I do love this new life with so much variety in each day. Chronic illness is hard to come to terms with though because it is always going to be with you and its effects will always need to be taken into account. My fingers are never going to be straight again and my joints will always ache, I think I will always feel sick in the mornings and my blood pressure will always be an issue. I am never going to climb mountains not even little ones and even some flights of stairs are tricky. I will always wake many times at night and need to rest in the middle of the day when possible. But I can do so much more now than I could and my life is so full of good things. I am learning to be content with the here and now  - slowly and as always I am grateful for the journey. 

I am hoping to do a post on suffering this week with a link to an excellent sermon that our vicar Julian preached this Sunday. 

This week 

• Cameo - tea with older people
• coffee with friends
• Ben's school concert - so excited to be going 
• shopping 
• preparation for a party 
• helping a friend sort
• haircut (so that I can see from under my fringe)
• Lunch with bible study ladies and our mission partner Glenys 
• preparing for a new venture a church (running a bookstall)
• Church book club 
• Flowers at church 
• Cooking for lunch and party 
• party 
• launch of bookstall 

A really busy, lovely week. You can see why I need lists! 

A Christmas doorway 

Covent Garden Christmas tree

 Swan Lake was magical. The whole day has been stored in my forever memories. We had a wonderful lunch in the restaurant - slightly spoilt by the couple at the table next door to us who moaned constantly and eventually left half way through without paying. 

Swan Lake is so beautiful - the scenery was amazing and the costumes exquisite. The music is so clever with the haunting themes running through. 

Paul, Ed and Chloe 

We had our pudding in the first interval which was really lovely. We were ready for it then. My pudding was a Swan Lake meringue which tasted even more delicious than it looked. 

When we came out of the Opera House Covent Garden was sparkling - all dressed up in its Christmas finery! A perfect end to a perfect day.

Today Church and restful day before another busy week. 

Waiting for her pudding to arrive 

My Swan lake meringue 

Chloe and Ed in the box 

Royal Opera House 

Twinkly lights and boots! 

More twinkly lights 

A scene from Swan lake (from website)

Really excited for today - Swan Lake and a meal at the Royal Opera House perfect. Wish I could be beamed there though! Quite tired still today after my travels on Thursday. Looking forward to seeing my girlie and hearing about her week in Psychiatry. 

Such a lovely lovely day yesterday with Kitty. We came back with lots of new projects for making. Amazingly we had just got into the hall and we met up with Sylvia - a friend who I hadn't seen for many, many, many years who had seen I was going to be there on my blog. There were thousands of people there so it was amazing that she saw me. I wished we had time to catch up rather than just a quick hello! 

Today - usual Friday business. 

Tomorrow we are off to London to see Swan Lake with Chloe and Ed - lovely.  

I saw a really lovely rheumatologist today - who was very pleased to meet me. He had heard about me in meetings and was pleased to meet me in person. I felt a bit like a celebrity! As ever he was very interested in the connections between my diseases and which was responsible for what. He was happy to say that my mixed connective tissue disease seems to remain stable. We discussed the various aches and pains that I have and he suggested which were due to the disease and which were probably due to the drug I take to stop the cancer returning. I just need to have an echo of my heart and a lung function test to make sure that they are also stable. He also wanted to put in his pennyworth in about my blood pressure and asked me to increase one of my drugs straight away. His view was that swollen ankles can be put up with but feeling foggy wasn't ok. A man after my own heart! Talking about hearts - he listened to my heart for quite a while and then listened again and then sat and thought for a minute before saying 'have you got a fistula? he had heard a swishing when listening to my heart but then couldn't hear it where you would normally hear a fistula. He was pleased to hear that the fistula had been closed off which would explain what he was hearing. All in all a good meeting. 

Tomorrow I am off to NEC to the Christmas show with Kitty - excited to see lots of new ideas. 

Beautiful, beautiful new day. I am thankful for a new week full of possibilities. It is like a new page to write on. I have the chance to take every opportunity and turn it into joy. I have been thinking a lot recently about how we can change the way we cope with whatever is thrown at us by choice. We often can't change the circumstances but we can change the way we think. By looking for joy in each day and by choosing to be grateful we change our thinking. By trusting that God is in charge and that He knows what He is doing we hand our lives over to the Creator of the World. Even if we have to cling on by our finger nails at times searching for the joy - it is still there to be found. A kind word from a friend, a soft cosy bed, a miaow from a pussy cat, a text on your phone, a song on the radio. Joy in each day. 

So I am off to start my new page. What will you fill your page with this week? 

The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,

But at every gust the dead leaves fall,

And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,

But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,

And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

Thankfully my life is not dark and dreary. But  it makes me grateful for my warm and cosy home and lovely family to share my life with. I continue to battle on with my blood pressure tablets. My GP has decided to leave them as they are until we can get in touch with the renal team or until my appointment at the beginning of December. So if you see a woman wondering around Wokingham in a fog that will be me! I had a few scary days this week when my kidneys seem to be struggling and I had fluid building up. I could feel it on my chest when I breathed. Thankfully by Friday they had recovered. The GP thought it was the high temperature I had last weekend. Another warning to avoid bugs again as my kidneys don't cope. 

We had a quiet at home day yesterday - I did 2 hours of ironing - ho hum! I mustn't leave it so long. We finished the day by watching the fireworks from our flat roof - perfectly warm! 

This week back to normal routines, tutoring, coffee with friends, helping a friend sort, a renal appointment, bible study, flowers, housegroup. And 2 very exciting days - one with Kitty at the Christmas show at the NEC in Birmingham and the other at Royal Opera House seeing Swan Lake with Ed and Chloe. How varied are my days. Nothing dark and dreary about this week. 

Such a lovely day yesterday with Joy. First stop - Covent Garden for a spot of shopping then round the corner for lunch and then Aldwych Theatre for Top Hat. Joy described it as charming and that perfectly describes it. The costumes and scenery  were wonderful - taking you back to a golden age. Tom Chambers was also charming! It was a perfect musical for him. Maybe his voice could have been slightly better but his charm stole the show. Summer Strallen was a very beautiful leading lady with a wonderful voice. The songs were so familiar. We both commented how much our dad would have loved the show. It has some very funny one liners. I would thoroughly recommend it for a lovely afternoon out. We then walked back across the river to Waterloo - seeing London lit up with beautiful sparkling lights. We have the most beautiful capital city. Finding lost property at Waterloo was an interesting experience - if you ever need to know it is at the far end of the station down the escalator and then down a dark and creepy road! We had gone to collect Chloe's suitcase (another story). We were served by this rather odd fellow - at one point he just stood still holding my money in his hand staring into space. I questioned him and he said - just a minute and continued to stare away into the distance. He then mumbled something and disappeared to return with the suitcase. All in all a very odd experience. We then caught the very busy train home where we were entertained by a man calling what seemed like all the contacts in his phone book to ask -'how they were'. Many obviously cooking tea, or putting children to bed and not wanting to chat about how they were. He had such a loud voice which was unfortunate. 

Today - flowers, resting and Drs appointment. 

London - here I come. Off to see Top Hat today with Joy. Hope I have enough energy to cope. Lovely sunshine will help.