This is where I fancy going today. A lovely beach with white sand where it is so hot you have to sit in chairs in the sea. Sounds good doesn't it.

However today's plans include gloves, thick socks, 4 blankets and a water bottle!! The joys of dialysis. Joy and Matt are taking me today as Paul is off to London. This is their first time so hopefully it will be OK and not put Matt off for ever!

We had a bit of a scare last night as my temperature went up. I have strict instructions to go to A and E if my temperature is 38 or if it is 37.5 for 2 readings. This is because my line is very open to infection and the chemo makes you more prone to infection. They will then assess you and usually give antibiotics straight away. I wasn't keen to spend a night in A and E again (had a rather horrid experience last September). Thankfully my temperature dropped again quickly.

Yesterday I had a very special friend phone who I haven't spoken to for a long time. It was a great joy to catch up with all her news. Friendships are very precious especially now and it was a reminder that we should value and treasure those we love. I also had coffee with a lovely friend and saw some very beautiful baby pictures.

Josh has accepted the Brighton job after lots of debating. I can't believe that I have a child who is now employed full time. That sounds quite grown up! Thank you for your prayers for him. He begins in 2 weeks so will be home some time next week for a bit.

I look forward to the coming 2 days without dialysis and hopefully with new blood. Yippee!

Dialysis went well yesterday apart from a rather long wait to start. Chloe and I started a new crossword book. My haemoglobin has dropped again to 5 so we have decided, after a helpful chat with the sister, to have a blood transfusion on Saturday. So hopefully I will be full of beans soon! My last day of injections for my white cells today so hopefully I am also full of those too! The Sister commented that when I first came to dialysis they had been unsure what to expect, I think they had been expecting someone who was very poorly and sad. However they got me! I am so grateful to be as well as I am especially with the chemo as well as the dialysis. Thank you for your prayers.

I am looking forward to seeing 2 friends today and catching up on news and maybe seeing baby photos. Maybe cutting out some patchwork squares today too following my lesson on Wednesday.

Josh will make his decision about jobs today. He is in the wonderfully privileged position of being offered two jobs one in Brighton and one in London and today is crunch day. We are so glad that he has been able to get a job at all in this current climate especially in the design world. He is hoping at some time to come and talk in church about his year at CCK which has been wonderful and challenging.

Woke this morning at 9 - good sleep. Feeling ready for dialysis today. It must be getting better. Although 4 hours of lying still is still yuck! Maybe seeing the dietician today to discuss my new restrictions. Not looking forward to being told all the things I can't eat. Hoping there is some leeway. I can't imagine life with out chocolate, cheese, bananas or tomatoes! Think it is going to take a while to get my head round it.

I am thinking about painting my nails red as they weaken with chemo so nail varnish is thought to help protect them but it needs to be a dark colour. It would go with my lovely red scarf. I could then be a lady in red!

Ok off to start the day. beginning with a bath with my arm out. That would be one advantage of a fistula as I could get it wet and go swimming - if I didn't have my PIC line!!! Baths remain funny as I often forget about not getting my lines wet and end up remembering just as I am about to put my arm into the water!

Hope all your days go well.

Not such a good time at dialysis yesterday. We had a visit from the lovely renal consultant Dr V. Unfortunately she told me that my Tess line which they use to do the dialysis had moved. This can happen with these lines but not usually so early - mmmmm. This means that I have 2 choices- I can have the line refitted (yucky option as it was so horrible having it fitted last time) or I can have a permanent fistula fitted in my arm. This involves an operation at Oxford Hospital under a local anaesthetic where they join an artery and vein together to make a point to carry out dialysis. This may be difficult as I have such rubbish veins and an operation planned for the future involving one arm and a PIC line in the other one. I never seem to do anything simply! So we will be off to Oxford some time soon to discuss it with the surgeons there. She also told us that the drug I have been having to make new red cells will not work with chemo. So it looks likes I will be having a blood transfusion after all - it will be up to me to decide when I can't cope with my low haemoglobin any more. Chloe and I found it hard to take in all she was saying as we were shocked by the news about the Tess line which can last for up to a year. Thankfully after a nights sleep it all feels better than it did yesterday and I am back in - one day at a time mode!

The dialysis unit was very busy yesterday with new patients and very poorly ones. I was so grateful for Ed and Chloe's company as we had a lot of waiting. It was a long afternoon. However the scrabble went well. Ed didn't fob us off with ship science words! Although he did beat us! Chloe and I getting exactly the same score. Any suggestions for other games we could play would be gratefully received.

I am looking forward to today - no dialysis, coffee with 2 lovely friends and sunshine.

I would appreciate your prayers for the following:

• a good plan for the fistula and that it is simple to carry out
• no infection in my Tess line while we wait for fistula ( it is now much more open to infection)
• that I can make wise decisions along with the Dr about when to have a blood transfusion
• that the new drug I am going to be taking for my blood pressure works well and stops my cough
• that I can cope with the new restrictions to my diet ( looks like chocolate might be out)
• for my chemo to work well and for my kidneys to start working again
• that I continue to live in today not anxious about tomorrow
• for my wonderful family travelling this road of ups and downs with me

Thank you all for your commitment and care for me. This journey would be so much harder without you.

Today my brain is a bit scrambled I don't seem to be able to concentrate on one thing at a time I am all over the place. Maybe the fluid has gone to my head this time instead of my lungs!!!

Dialysis today with Chloe and Ed. A scrabble game is planned - need to remember to take the dictionary this time. With my scrambled brain it may be an interesting game! I am looking forward to hearing all about Eds cycle ride form London to Paris last week. Not sure I could even get on a bike at the moment let alone cycle.

Thank you so much for your prayers about the chemo it seems to have gone well with very little side effects despite having very little fluid and no steroids. It is amazing to know that in the middle of all of this muddle God is still answering our prayers and concerned about the nitty gritty stuff.

I am sitting here wishing I was on a field with hundreds of others. This week is our church holiday club which I had intended being part of before ....... You are all much in my thoughts and prayers. I am so looking forward to hearing all about it from all of you! At least my Lego has gone to play its part!

First injection at home today to increase my white cells, Chloe did a great job. Good practice for September and real patients! Also waiting for visit from district nurse to dress my PIC line - a Monday happening now. It is hard to escape from being a patient with all this happening. I have to plan my moments!

Watching my friends daughter leave for her wedding yesterday was one of those moments. The sun had come out and she looked so beautiful - ready and excited for her new life. What a privilege to be a witness to the start of a partnership.

Not such a good night - coughing. One of the tablets side effects is a dry cough which combined with fluid makes a yucky cough. I will chat with the Dr this week hopefully and find a solution. It has meant I have been awake quite a bit and that leaves me time to think - not always a good thing! So I am grateful for morning and the wonderful company of my husband.

Dialysis went well yesterday - although Chloe beat me at scrabble. Not sure scrabble and a dialysis brain go together!! The time went quickly again thankfully.

Today I am going to see my friends daughter leave for her wedding. I am really looking forward to that. What joy to see 2 people begin their new life together.I hope the sun comes out in time.

2 days without dialysis hurrah. We are finding that dialysis days are just that. It seems to take up all day. I am unable to do anything quickly so by the time I get up and ready it is time to go and then when I come back I am exhausted (who would have thought lying still for 4 hours would wear you out)

Apart form the nasty taste in my mouth which makes everything taste like toothpaste I am fine from the chemo. It is good to have something to remind me it has happened as I think much will be happening inside my body that I am not even aware of.

Another Saturday has arrived. I was awake early this morning and wondered around our very quiet house grateful for the new day. I made my wonderful half cup of coffee which I allow myself each day out of my fluid allowance. It is a special treat each morning and I have it in a tiny coffee cup and saucer which makes it feel special. It is a dialysis day today - just Chloe and I today. I am thinking we might try a game today as I can now have my hands out of the covers!

We had wonderful news yesterday - Josh has been offered a job in London. We are so proud of him. Despite the current financial climate he had 5 interviews on Thursday. He is waiting to hear back from others before deciding what to do. This is a wonderful answer to our prayers for him.

Chloe also had good news last week when she heard she had passed her year 2 exams. Despite all that been happening here and her own health problems she did very well.

It is wonderful that life continues all around me despite my illness bubble!

Joy of joys I managed to go to the BBQ. It was wonderful - so lovely to see everyone. I loved every minute of it. I loved hearing peoples news and holiday plans. I loved being in the middle of the laughter. I really loved that you sang for me (and that CC remained serious throughout) I was impressed by the hula hooping, especially DK. I miss you all and hope you all have wonderful holidays.

Yesterday morning started in a really lovely way with a parcel being delivered - a beautiful orchid in a lovely purple(my fav colour) pot. It is so beautiful and will remind me of the senders love and care.

Dialysis went well yesterday - my body does seem to be getting used to it. I am less cold and my blood pressure is more stable. Hurrah!. I am also getting used to the routine which is really helping. It was lovely having T with me and we chatted for the whole time catching up on life. I think she was amazed by this secret life that goes on every day.

I have met a lovely lady at dialysis who has been going for 20 years, 3 times a week. I can't imagine what that has been like for her. It is like a club that I have joined (not by choice) of people who all know each other as they meet 3 times a week every week. Chloe and I are quite tempted to write a book about all we see and hear! Chloe is a star coming time after time and sitting with me. She makes me feel safe and in control of all that is going on. Not sure how I will cope when she goes back to uni.

I seem to be coping OK with the chemo. I was sick last night but then it settled down again. I have got the nasty taste in my mouth which I had forgotten about until it started again! But I feel OK glad its done and 3 weeks til the next one.

I am hoping to go to our end of term BBQ this evening all being well (with bucket in case) although the weather is not out usual weather for this occasion. I am so looking forward to seeing everyone again and catching up before they all go off on their holidays. I am feeling sad that we can't go away I was really looking forward to our holiday in the Lakes. But it is a bit far to come back for dialysis! We will need to make it a holiday here somehow.

I am also feeling sad not to be part of our holiday club at church next week. It is hard to have to acknowledge that I can't do anything at the moment. I will be praying for you all and thinking about you.

That's enough - poor me!

I continue to be grateful for each day, for my lovely friends and family and for all I can do.

Last day of school. I can't quite believe that I am not there with everyone. How life has changed! I had a fairly awake night but it was ok. I dreamt I was buying Christmas cards - not sure what that was about! I was slightly sick this morning but feeling OK.

I wish I didn't have to do dialysis today - could do with a day without hospitals today but never mind. I will look forward to tomorrow and the possibility of going to the school BBQ. I have a friend coming with me to dialysis today which will be lovely. Another friend who I can chat to for hours - well we have 4 of them!

All done! We arrived at the chemo ward and were welcomed by the receptionist and given an introductory speech which included a warning that we might need to wait for an hour as it is very busy on Wednesdays. We sat on a beautiful purple sofa to wait and within 5 minutes we were called. It was very well organised - my drugs were ready and the sister administered them herself. They had discussed the difficulty of quantities of fluid that is usually added with the chemo and had decided to add the drugs by hand and use a small amount of fluid between drugs. It all went very smoothly and was finished within an hour. I now have to wait and see what happens. I have been given strong drugs for anti-sickness which is one of the main side effect of the drugs I am taking. I am OK so far so we will see. I am glad we are doing this and that I have restarted.

Thank you to the 2 ladies who took and collected us. It was lovely to spend time with you. We really appreciate your help.

I spent the afternoon with another lovely friend who chatted about craft things and inspired Chloe and I to do more patchwork. I am looking forward to another visit and to beginning sewing a patchwork piece myself - joy in each day.

I am feeling very tired now but glad this day is done. Thankful to be surrounded by such lovely friends and family and that the creator of the universe walks with me.

I managed to meet up with my friends last night. It was lovely to be in the middle of all their chatting and hearing their news. I miss all that.

Today is chemo day and although I am glad to be doing it I am apprehensive about the side effects. Last time it was OK but I did take steroids which I won't be taking this time and I was able to drink 3 litres of fluid - only 750ml now. Ho hum. I would appreciate your prayers that it goes OK. I have my lovely blue bucket on hand.

Good day. Interesting visit to the wig lady. She was lovely and very helpful. I tried on the first wig and laughed as I just didn't look like me - not sure at all who I was! I then tried a few styles and we found one which is sort of like mine. It then gets made in the correct colour and we go back soon to try it out. The final step is visiting a hairdresser and having it cut to suit me. I am so glad I took my friend as it was all rather strange. I did try on a wig no-one had ever ordered !

That looked ...............! We laughed a lot. Not sure the wig lady knew what to make of us.

Dialysis went well today and the time went quite quickly. I enjoyed chatting with my friend and then with Josh. I do seem to be getting more used to it. Hoping to meet up with my bible study group for a while this evening. Chemo tomorrow at 10.00.

Up bright and early today as I am off to see the wig lady. Not at all sure what to expect. I am taking a friend with me so I think we will laugh a lot! I am hoping to find one which makes me look like 'me' for those days when you don't want to be a patient. I hadn't realised how people stare when you wear a headscarf. It labels you as a cancer patient straight away. Most of the time I don't mind but occasionally you just want to be an anonymous person who people take no notice of.

Then I am spending the afternoon with Josh and dialysis before he goes back to Brighton this evening. I am also hoping to catch up with friends this evening for a bit if I can stay awake! I think my red blood cells are beginning to perk up as I am feeling less puffed at the simplest things.

Hopefully photos of wigs to come later!

Monday Morning. I feel I am cheating as I don't have that Monday feeling of returning to work after a good weekend. I feel for all the teachers having to go back for this long last week. I do hope it goes quickly.

I have the district nurse coming to clean my PIC line. Feels strange needing a district nurse - something old people need! Still very important to be able to use the PIC line for the chemo as my veins are rubbish. Poor Chloe also has my veins as she had to have a blood test last week and they had to use her hands as well.

I am looking forward to a non-dialysis day today and sunshine - good combination.

I am lying in bed listening to the bells and looking forward to the day ahead. Josh is coming home for a couple of days, Paul is on his way home from London and Kitty is here. Lots to look forward to and be grateful for. My personal maid (Kitty) is hoovering downstairs - thank you so much Kitty.

Best of all no dialysis!

I am so grateful that I can enjoy each day whatever happens - a gift from God I think as naturally I would be scared about all that is happening but I'm not. I am treasuring each day and thankful for my many friends and especially for my wonderful family. Life is good.

Dialysis all done - without mishap! Really glad to have 2 days off now. Kitty and I managed to chat for most of the time and we completed a crossword (we only had to cheat twice - not bad )I am looking forward to feeling full of beans tomorrow. Dialysis is getting better as I get used to it. My blood pressure is not dropping so much and I am not quite so cold. Hurrah!

I am all sorted for Wednesday - thank you.

What a beautiful morning I have woken to. Still glad for new days. Glad I am not sitting with Paul outside the Royal Albert Hall! He is 6th in the queue for tickets for tonight's prom - bit too chilly for me!

I am off to dialysis today with Kit. We will enjoy filling 4 hours with catching up I am sure. We can both talk for England!

We had a good evening last night with Joy and Matt and Kitty and Shaun, Ben and Tom and 2 geckos. Lots of laughing and chatting. It is beginning to feel end of termy! There were 3 teachers in the room. I wish I was able to go into school this week for all the end of term stuff. I am hoping to go to the end of term BBQ on Friday if I feel OK after chemo.

We are still looking for someone to take me for chemo on Wednesday if anyone is available. I need to be at hospital by 10.00 on Wednesday morning. I may have a lift back organised so it would just mean dropping me off. Chloe is coming too as she will be back from her adventures. Thank you.

So we have a plan, made in a corridor at Royal Berks Hospital where 3 consultants discussed! I am to have 3 doses of chemo 1 every 3 weeks beginning next Wednesday. We will then discuss 4 more chemos of a different drug. I am glad we are going to do chemo. I feel this is the best plan. I am hoping that it will be straight forward without too many side effects. I am going to have a drug to help support my white cell production which should make me less vulnerable to infection. So my body is all set to make more white cells and red cells. Yippee!

It all feels rather like a dream that soon I will wake from.

Paul is off to London for the weekend and Chloe to Cornwall. So the sisters are coming! Joy this afternoon and Kitty is coming to stay for the weekend. I am looking forward to lots of laughing with them. They haven't seen my chicken hair!

We are looking for someone who could take me for chemo on Wednesday and someone to pick me up. As yet we don't have any timings but may know later today. Paul has a business meeting. If you are able to help us that would be wonderful just give me a ring or email or text. Thank you

We may have a new plan! During dialysis today I spoke with the oncologist and he had been in touch with the renal team. The renal team have decided that they are happy for me to have chemo. I am not sure why they have changed their minds. We have been in touch with oncologist to make sure the rheumatologist is happy with this plan. If all is OK I will have chemo at the beginning of next week.

I feel peaceful about this decision - hopeful it is the best choice at this stage.

Dialysis went well today - no BP drops. Chloe and I spent the time making word searches and a quiz for HBC. The time went quite quickly.

Dialysis day again. And hopefully a plan for tamoxifen. I slept for the whole night for the first time since September. I feel much better for it. I have woken up actually not feeling tired. Hurrah! I have also stopped one of the BP drugs which i am sure was giving me side effects.

This weekend is going to be a bit different. Chloe is going away for the weekend to Cornwall. (hoping to have lovely sunshine) and Paul is going up to London for the weekend for the first night of the proms. My lovely sisters are coming to help me. Kitty is coming to stay for the weekend. I am really looking forward to spending time with her.

My hair appears to have stopped falling out. My family are calling me Tin-tin as I have a big quiff on the top of my head. I am going to be seeing the wig lady on Tuesday. I am quite looking forward to trying on wigs - not something I have ever done before. I am getting better at tying the scarves.

I am feeling quite distant from life as it appears to be going on around me. Hopefully the drug I have been given to increase my red blood cells will be working soon and I will start to be able to do more.

I hope you all have happy Thursdays. Remember to treasure each and every day as you never know what is around the corner. I have been thinking a lot about the importance of how we live each day - it is so easy to take everything we have forgranted until it is taken away. I am so glad that I can find so much to be joyful in, in every day.

I am glad to wake to a day of no dialysis. I am tired after yesterdays adventures. It was a long session at the hospital. But at least we have a plan and hopefully by the end of the week we will be getting on with it. So a peaceful day today.

Chloe has her hospital appointment today - I wish I was able to go with her.

It is also Josh's birthday. I don't feel old enough to have a 23 year old son! He is busy applying for jobs and sending out his CV. We are praying that he gets a job in Brighton where he will be based next year.

We have some visitors to our house - 2 geckos. They have come for their holidays. They are very beautiful. Hopefully I will post some pictures later. Ben is going to be looking after them. Help keep him busy over the summer. He finishes school on Friday so I am looking forward to spending some time with him.

We are back after a long day. Dialysis was OK - dropped my blood pressure a few times but putting my head down solved it.

We saw a lovely renal Dr who spent ages with us. She gave us a plan for reducing the blood pressure tablets which sounded very sensible and gave us control over them. She also started me on a drug which encourages the bone marrow to make more red blood cells. It will take about 3 weeks to be noticeable but I will then begin to feel much better as my blood levels are very low at the moment. I started this today. She patiently answered our questions and explained lots of things.

Following dialysis we saw the oncologist. He has decided that hormone treatment is the way to go but needs to confirm the dosage along side dialysis. I will take this as tablets daily (probably) and wait and see what effect it has. I may take it for 3-6 months and then have surgery.

I feel that there is a lot of waiting ahead of us. Waiting for drug to work, waiting for kidneys to recover, waiting to see if we can reduce BP tablets etc..... I am not good at waiting which many of you who know me will know. Maybe this is what I need to be learning. Patience !!!! However I continue to trust that God is in charge of all things and his timing is perfect.

Off to dialysis again today. Hoping all goes smoothly. Also hoping to see consultant to decide on the plan. I feel a bit in limbo until I have a plan.

I had a lovely non-dialysis day yesterday. I had coffee with a friend. It was lovely catching up with her news. She is my battling buddy. It is so helpful to have a friend also going through similar things. In the evening Chloe and I watched a film together which was good fun.

Everything feels a bit distant at the moment. I am aware that God is holding my hand and we walk this road together but without a plan I don't know where the road is leading. Mostly I continue to face each day as it comes but every now and then I glimpse towards the future - hoping there is a future. It is a real taste of trust. Thankfully mostly I live in the day. Looking for joy (the emotion not my sister) in each day! I miss my life both school and home and can't wait to be well enough to feel like I can take part in life again. I enjoy the glimpses that you all give me of life outside of our illness bubble. Hopefully as dialysis settles down and I reduce some of my tablets I will be able to do more.

All being well I will post a plan this evening after dialysis.

Good morning all. I am now sleeping for England I think. And even when I wake I am still sleepy!

I woke at 8.30 this morning - what a lazy bird! Hopefully this is helping my body recover. I am looking forward to today coffee with a friend and no dialysis. What more could a girl want? It is a good thing that talking doesn't puff me out!!!!

I am hoping to do a bit of tidying today as the house is such a mess. Or maybe I will direct the tidying! As with the ironing we are only doing essential stuff.

Hoping tomorrow I will have a plan. Dr Charlton (Oncologist) is coming to see me on Dialysis ward and hopefully will have discussed with renal team and made a plan. I am looking forward to getting on with it. I have lots of questions though - need to write a list.

I am peaceful about the plan though. Trusting that God has all things in his hand. However I would like to be better and able to get on with life. I miss being me!

I have managed to go to church this morning. It was so lovely to see everyone and be part of everything. I was reminded that all I need is God he is sufficient for me. I discovered that singing is tricky with low haemoglobin. I felt very faint when I sang - it must take more energy than you think it does. I have always taken so much forgranted.

We have come back from church with a lovely lunch made for us and courgettes from someone's allotment and a yummy gingerbread. Thank you all. We so appreciate everyone's care.

I am feeling very happy that I now have 2 days without dialysis. I can go at my own pace. We have recovered from yesterdays mishap.

Ok so we have had a bit of a mishap at dialysis. Chloe was trying to close the window behind me as I get so cold throughout dialysis. As she passed the dialysis machine she knocked the fluid and somehow it broke the machine. There was fluid gushing everywhere and the nurses rushing to take me off the machine. I then had to be moved and restarted on dialysis. They were lovely about it but it did cause a bit of a to-do and gave the nurses something to do in the gap between patients!

Following dialysis we went to the ward to have my PIC line flushed and cleaned. This meant that we didn't get back home until after 6. A long afternoon.

But now I am sitting in my warm nest on the sofa with 2 non dialysis days to come which is wonderful. I will try and make the most of them.

Another dialysis day - ho hum. Wish I could do dialysis sitting by a pool in the shade under a parasol. Do you think they would do it if I suggested it? Hoping it goes as well as it did last time. Slow and steady seems to suit me.

I am loving your emails and enjoy imagining you in your lives - all so varied. I am privileged to have so many friends living such different lives in so many different places. Especially as my life is so confined to here and the hospital. I enjoy my ride to the hospital - it is like a little outing! Maybe I will manage to get out a bit over the next 2 days when I don't have dialysis if I have the energy. I can still only mange little walks as my haemoglobin is still very low. I hope to see a renal Dr soon to discuss that and my blood pressure which seems very stable now. Hopefully I will be able to start cutting some of the tablets which will make me less foggy.

Well I hope you all have good weekends in the sunshine. I am thinking of you all with much love.

Hello everyone. I have woken up full of beans this morning. I slept for hours and hours which is great. Had a funny dream about another school trip. No idea why I keep dreaming about school trips! I love non- dialysis days as I can just go at my pace which is very slow but steady. Hoping to do a bit of tidying today - with a lot of help! I am seeing the GP this afternoon to sort out practical stuff like sick notes, forms and tablets. Paul and I sat this morning surrounded by tablets working how many I have of everything. It took ages to work it all out as I am on so many.

I continue to feel God's presence with me in all of this and am able to live one day at a time - most of the time. I am easily frustrated by my inability to do things but just have to let that go for the time being.

Thank you for your emails it is lovely to hear about your lives. I am missing 'life' and feeling like we are existing in an illness bubble.

Much better dialysis today. I got my head down quick and they took the fluid off once I was settled. This meant it was a much nicer experience all around. Chloe and I completed some quizzes and the time seemed to go quite quickly.

Just before going to dialysis the most beautiful bunch of flowers arrived. Thank you to everyone at school. They are so stunningly beautiful. I so appreciate all your care. I am still laughing from a visit yesterday. I can't tell you how much I miss you all. Hopefully next week I will manage a visit.

My hair is not falling out so fast now and I look more like a chick then a chicken. It is not an attractive look - glad I don't have to look at it!

If you would like to pray then I would appreciate prayer about the decision the Drs will make about the chemo. I am finding it hard to come to terms with the idea of not using chemo. I feel like it is second best and wish we could carry on. I understand their reluctance though. It would also be wonderful if my blood tests taken today could show some level of improvement of my kidneys.

My love to you all

Here we are again another new day. We seem to be whizzing through them! I think that is a good sign of being nicely busy. Although the 4 hours on dialysis seems to go very slowly. Maybe we will try watching a film on the laptop today. Not sure how successful that will be because of all the beeping of machines all around us.

I had a lovely parcel arrive from America yesterday full of lovely goodies. Thank you E, N and D it was a lovely surprise. We have now made a wall of cards at home and it is lovely to think of all of you thinking and praying for me. My little prayer army.

So its off for dialysis again today. I am hoping it goes as well as it did on Tuesday. Maybe I am adjusting to it. I hope so. Last time I was next to an Indian lady who spent most of her time muttering and moaning. The nurses can't understand her and she can't understand them. Quite tricky.

Good morning all. I have had a good night no bad dreams thankfully. I am sleeping so much better than I have done for the last 9 months. It is lovely going to sleep and knowing I will sleep.

I am looking forward to coffee with friends today and no dialysis. Yippee!!

My hair continues to fall out - much slower now so I continue to look like a chicken on a bad feather day. We are learning how to use head scarves and bandannas. A lovely friend gave me 2 turbans yesterday with butterflies on - just right for me. Thank you.

I love hearing about your lives so do email me with funny/ happy things that are happening to you.

Good evening here is my dialysis update! I had a much better time. As soon as my blood pressure started to go down I asked to have my head lower and my blood pressure then stabilised. This made the whole session much more pleasant and will mean I will go with more confidence next time.

I had a friend come with me to dialysis today to give Paul a break. We chatted away for the whole of the 4 hours as only women can!! Thank you Claire for your company.

We saw the oncology consultant who is still unsure of the best thing to do next. He is very reluctant for me to continue with chemo in case it caused the kidney failure. He is therefore suggesting that as the tumour is hormone receptive the treatment could be either a drug called tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitor. This could cause the tumour to shrink in the same way as chemo. He has gone away to discuss with the other consultants and will come back with a plan next Tuesday. I am glad I am not the person having to make this decision. I am also so glad that God knows the number of my days and he has a plan all of his own. Please pray that the Drs make this decision with wisdom and that it is the right decision for me. Thank you,

Good morning all. Had a yucky dream last night. Maybe due to tablets. I thought I had killed a policeman - had to get up in the end to realise it couldn't be true. Very strange. My fiction and reality had become confused. I was on a school trip to Windsor and stabbed a policeman! Not something I have ever considered!

I will be pleased when dialysis is over today. Hopefully it will be better than the last 2 sessions. My friend Claire is coming with me. Should be seeing oncology consultant so should have a plan by the end of the day. I love plans!

Lovely day today with friends hearing about their lives. Thank you all for visiting.

Thank you especially for the gooseberries which we made into crumble - yummy! So much better than hospital food. So glad the anti-sickness tablets are working.

Missing school loads and wishing I could be part of the end of term clear up. Hoping to come in soon . Much love to you all. xxx

Hi everyone. I had a peaceful day yesterday - so glad not to have to go to the hospital.
I enjoyed the tennis - Nadal was amazing. I am going to miss it now it is over.

I am looking forward to spending time with friends today. It is lovely to hear about your lives as we tend to feel we are living in a bubble of illness. My tablets make me feel spaced out which makes everything feel a bit hazy. It is quite an odd feeling.

Paul and I struggled today with my head scarf. It took about 3 goes to get it right and i still feel like a chicken!! He asked me to look up so he could check it forgetting that my head doesn't go up due to the Tess line and plasters. We both ended up laughing - the best medicine.

Hi everyone

Thank you for your comments it is good to know people are reading this.

Dialysis yesterday was yuck. My blood pressure dropped at the beginning and I felt awful. If you have a moment please pray that they can sort that out.

When I came home I was so tired I couldn't do anything except doze. I am looking forward to 2 days now without dialysis. Hopefully when I go on Tuesday I will see a Dr to sort out the medication I take for the high blood pressure as I think this is too much. I remain peaceful and appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Good morning everyone. The day started a bit yuckily by being sick. I must remember to take my anti-sickness tablets as soon as I wake. It is a beautiful day and I am grateful for each new day. I am off to dialysis again at lunchtime. It is hard to get my head around the changes in our lives that have happened so fast. It is taking its toll on all of us.

My hair is now nearly all out. I look very odd with funny tuffs all over the top. I will be glad when it has all gone. Beginning to think I would like a wig just to look 'normal' again. We take so much forgranted. On a positive note I won't have to wash it when it is gone. Bathing and washing are quite tricky as I am not allowed to get the PIC line or the Tes line wet. It is amazing how much you do without thinking and then I end up wet. Chloe comes with me when I have a bath and holds my arm to remind me not to put it into the water. What a lovely daughter!

I have had a lovely day today after a bit of a stroppy start. I am struggling with all I can't do and took it out on Paul and Chloe which was horrid. I think they have forgiven me.

I have had lots of lovely visitors all bringing their lives with them. It is such a privilege to be involved in other peoples lives. Thank you for your visits.

I am not looking forward to dialysis tomorrow. I am hoping it will be better than yesterday. Having to remind myself to live in today and not worry about tomorrow.

Another better night - so good not to be disturbed by the noise of the ward.

Yesterdays dialysis was yuck. I went in with low blood pressure and it dropped during dialysis so I ended up lying with my head very low for 2 hours. It was very busy in the dialysis unit and I felt very much like a 'patient' rather than a person. Hopefully it will be better on Saturday. On the plus side my new lines worked very well and meant it was much easier to move about during dialysis. There is now a lot of discussion about the tablets I am taking for the blood pressure which involved 3 phone conversations with nurses and drs last night. We now have a temporary plan until I see the Drs to discuss. In the mean time Chloe is practising her medicine on me with our home BP machine.

We are just coming to terms with the changes to my diet as a result of being on dialysis. I can only have 750ml of fluid in a day. This sounds ok until you add up all the fluid there is in food. Not at all sure how to measure the fluid in a tomato!!! I also have to be careful of the levels of phosphorous and potassium I eat. This leads to quite a change in my diet although they do encourage all things in moderation.

We keep chatting to my kidneys ( named Flopsy and Mospey) in the hope that they will remember what they are supposed to be doing. It is possible that they will spring into life at anytime.

I am looking more and more like a chicken with a 'bad feather day' as my hair falls out. Thinking it is nearly time for a visit to the hair dressers to have it shaved. I think today will be my first day in a head scarf as I have quite a few visitors booked in to see me. I am sure they don't mind what I look like but I would prefer to look less chicken like and more person like. I am really looking forward to a day with friends and no hospitals.

I am not sure where to start so I will start at the beginning and keep going til the end!!

I can't quite believe that it was 15th June when I went to the hospital expecting to stay a day and have a blood transfusion. I was admitted later that day for 4 units of blood. I had a lovely stay in Dunedin looked after by lovely staff.

The funniest moment at Dunedin was related to urine measuring. Any one of a delicate constitution should look away now. I have to measure in put and out put of fluids. The nurse asked me to wee into a container and she would measure it - 'just press the bell when you have done it'. Ok so deed done I pressed the bell. If the bell sounds and is not answered within a certain time an emergency bell sounds. OK so they didn't answer it quickly enough and the emergency bell went off. Before I know what is happening 5 nurses are running at full pelt into my room followed by a Dr calling 'I'm coming' and I am standing in the room holding my wee feeling very foolish!!! Lots of laughter later all was restored to normal.

The hardest time at Dunedin was waiting for the transport to take me to Royal Berks having been told that my kidneys were in crisis and I would probably need dialysis. At that time my blood pressure was through the roof and I was quite out of it.

Paul eventually took me to Royal Berks and we settled into a little side room. Chloe made me a beautiful wall of happiness of all your cards and butterflies all fluttering around. The butterflies are a symbol which we used when I was ill before. They remind me of freedom with God even when our earthly situation is so hard. I was so encouraged by my wall reminding me constantly of all your love and prayers. Chloe is going to replicate my wall at home now.

My stay at Royal Berks was tough but I was well cared for throughout my stay. I have had a huge team of Drs trying to figure out what has happened to my kidneys and why. I have had masses of tests and my blood has been tested for everything. The outcome of all the tests is still unsure but the 'working ' diagnosis is 'sclerederma crisis'. This means that the kidneys have been affected by the sclerederma which is part of the mixed connective tissue disease. However there is still a possibility that it is something called HUS which was caused by the chemotherapy. This makes it very hard for the Drs to decide how to proceed. We will be seeing the oncology consultant today hopefully. The good part of all this is that my kidneys can recover but it may take 3 -6 months to do so. Please pray about this as it would be wonderful to have working kidneys again.

I will be having dialysis at the Royal Berks 3 times a week for 4 hours. It is hard to get my head around this - me sitting still for 4 hours mmmmmmmmmmmm! The adjustment to our lives is huge and has an impact on us all. I have had a permanent line called a Tess fitted under my skin on my chest which has 2 little lines coming out of it to be used for dialysis. I also have a less permanent line fitted into my arm to be used for taking blood and for giving chemo. This is called a PIC line. So I am all set up and ready to go!

I was joined in my hospital room by a lovely lady I will call 'M' She brightened my days. She was 88 years old and very spirited. She slipped easily between reality and a happy world of confusion. One evening she decided that we had been shop lifting and the nurses were actually police officers. She suggested that we should run away before they got us. The image of her with her zimmer frame and me with all my tubing running anywhere really made me laugh. I will miss her morning wave and smile.

So here I sit with my huge bag of tablets working out what to take when and facing the future one day at a time. I continue to completely trust that God is in control and that there is a purpose in all of this. He remains in the centre of the storm holding my hand and calming the waves. He is my rock and my redeemer.